AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Did your DH actually lose his job or was he summoned back to the UK by the woman he is having an affair with ?

Oh, Diana. Can't you see there are three of you in the marriage?

I wouldn't take him. Your legitimising his theory that the wife iss unhinged. I'd really keep my cards close to my chest now. He'll be reporting back every behaviour to the bitch in the UK. Assume there is no privacy in this marriage now.

This bitch has to go…she is clearly on the hunt

I'd be reporting her to both her employer, and the NMC.

Then I'd be hiring a SHL and divorcing him.

He has no respect for you, you'd be happier without him and meddling Jane in your life.

Yes, sorry I was being partly tongue-in-cheek and wondering how ridiculous and embarrassed the DH would feel if he actually had to tell the GP that he thinks his wife has BPD because his OW nursey friend who hasn't seen OP for years has just diagnosed it.

Actually, cancel that, given his previous behaviour he probably won't be embarrassed at all 😡

There is so much here that is so absolutely shocking, the MH stuff, the wedding, casual use of racial slurs..WHAT!..I'm flabbergasted. OP you need to STOP being so accommodating and find your anger.
But you also need to be clever because I also wonder if the MH stuff is her making her move. I don't know whats going on with these two but it is dysfunctional beyond belief. Have friends of the opposite sex by all means but for it to not destroy marriages there needs to be clear boundaries and these two have had zero boundaries for years.

Is your DH a little bit racist too?

I'm Asian and have found some men (and women) stereotype Asian women as 'obedient' and not likely to 'cause a fuss'. It looks like both your husband and Jane see you as transgressive and not 'staying in your box' when you have given an opinion contrary to his, which is why you have been labelled as having a MH disorder. I mean this kindly, but giving up your career to follow him may have strengthened their view that you should just be a support to your DH.

I would honestly decide what I want from life, and would chase it, leaving him, Jane and their stupid labels behind (that's after I confront him about being a covert racist!)

Wow. What a pair.

I hope you know a good divorce lawyer.

Please don't put up with this abuse.

I mean, using it in general might be stupid but isn't racist. So are they racist or not? Calling a black person it as a derogatory term is racist, or using it as any kind of insult/spur towards them is. Using the word as a normal word is a bit dumb, but not racist.

But Jane’s not a rapper is she? No she’s a racist. You & H have two bi-racial children and he thinks this is ok? He is gaslighting you now and has been doing so for many years.

Get a plan in place & get HIM out of there. Hold it together so he can’t accuse you of being dramatic. That is just playing into his hands.

I would do all this - and take it to a solicitor as evidence for the divorce.! It's not who the fuck does she think she is, it's who the fuck do THEY think THEY are.
My ex- husband was like this in some ways, was over friendly to other women and gave more weight to some of their opinions than mine a lot of the time. Note, he is now my ex.....

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Unless you have left out some very important info I can’t fathom how he could think you have BPD if you definitely don’t and he has read about the symptoms. My boyfriend has ADHD and his brother has BPD and in my experience they are very different. Is your husband very emotionally avoidant? The only way I can see this happening without some kind of motive is that he is unemotional and rigid so cannot understand someone more emotional and possibly a bit more impulsive and so thinks you must need serious intervention

Is Jane a rapper ?

Are you for real? It’s 100% known a racist slur, back from slavery days. If rappers use it as reclamation of language that’s up to them, but unless she is doing karaoke to Juice by Lizzo, it’s a hard no.

can you give an example of when it isn’t racist please

You don't use the N word in a casual way. You shouldn't be using the N word at all I say that as a white British woman - just as Jane is!

I think who the fuck does your husband think he is

What do you mean by in general and as a normal word?? Like saying “Hey N-word” as a greeting between two white people?

@CFornot123 this is a difficult situation - be very thoughtful and careful how you respond.

How f-ing dare Jane meddle in your marriage?! Because she sees you as easy to manipulate. She wants your husband on a string whenever she needs him. You - and your children - are in her way. You have already let her sideline you. I understand life with young kids as a trailing spouse is hard. Time to wake up and take action.

in your shoes I would

1. Go back to work full time asap as an absolute priority- you need to be in a position of strength because you cannot rely on your husband to look after you right now And organise full time quality childcare that you can rely on so you don’t need to worry about it whatever happens at home
2. Do go to your GP - not because I believe you have BPD but because your husband is being abusive in suggesting this based on what his ‘friend’ who has barely seen you in 4 years. Get it on record. But also then breezily ‘reassure’ your husband ‘I consulted a doctor and I’m perfectly healthy… what a relief for everyone’
3. quietly get your ducks in a row - understand where all the family assets and paperwork is.
4. find a therapist/counsellor to help you work out what you want - do you want to save your marriage? personally I could not tolerate being the third wheel in my own marriage but you need to decide what works for you.

All of this is to get you strong - Jane and your husband can only undermine you like this because you are weak.

Then - and only then - act on what you want.

I get where you’re coming from. If you get too upset, Jane will use that as proof you have BPD. She’ll twist everything.

Your DH shouldn’t be this involved with Jane. That’s his fault, but she’s clearly a total cow to try to get between you like this and whisper poison in your husband’s ear. Can you not move far away from her? Do you have other mutual friends who could have a quiet word with your DH, warning him about Jane?

Keep totally calm, however upset you feel because, unfair as it is, any upset will be used against you. Speak quietly and calmly. Frankly, I’d be tempted to do similar to the two-faced so and so myself. Spread something about her - in a totally ‘sympathetic way, of course, and pay the cow back. You wouldn’t have a DH problem if it wasn’t for her. She’s clearly jealous and resentful of you. You need to think of strategies to push her out and you need to keep all your wits about. She’s a snake. You should have asked to see the wedding invitation. Don’t miss something like that again.

As for your DH flying back for 10 days so he could hear Jane’s ‘wisdom’, that’s outrageous and pathetic. She’s got him wrapped round her finger.

They're in the USA because he wanted to be there.

I don't know if separation, divorce would be through American courts or UK. He'll go for the one that gives him the most leverage. Building a case for an unhinged spouse for instance. Which country does that fly better in?

I'd be hiding the children passports that's for sure.

*Is your DH a little bit racist too?

I'm Asian and have found some men (and women) stereotype Asian women as 'obedient' and not likely to 'cause a fuss'. It looks like both your husband and Jane see you as transgressive and not 'staying in your box' when you have given an opinion contrary to his*
Yes I was thinking this too. Some White men, especially older with young wives think Asian women are perfect submissive ' wifey' material who they can treat like shit because they think they will be subservient' and know their place. 'Jane' is not rapping presumably so when is she casually dropping the 'N' word? I would be very concerned about her abilities as a mental health nurse.

He's betraying you every time he discusses you with someone who has an agenda.
I don't think it's an affair necessarily - she might just dislike "sharing" him with another woman. But she'd clearly love for you to split up.

I am sorry to say but your gaslighting, abusive shit of a husband is getting worse each time you post.

Please look back at what you have said here and see you need to leave him. There is absolutely no way on gods earth my DH would be leaving me for 10 days to go and see his female friend.’ I hate to say it but are you sure he isn’t seeing her?

I am a mental health nurse of many years (not practicing now) and whilst I may offer advice or signposting to friends who ask for it - it is totally unprofessional and unacceptable to be providing ‘diagnoses’ to people unless they are:

• a nurse consultant
• an advanced practitioner or
• they are a non medical prescriber

clearly as nurses on wards etc. they are part of that assessment process and are part of the solution but no one should be diagnosing anyone without a full face to face consultation and the required training/ consent to make that decision.

If she is a UK nurse you can raise any concerns you have about her conduct to the NMC. Please feel free to ask your H is she has any of the above qualifications I have mentioned.

Equally in my Trust (and in a-lot of Trusts) we don’t use BPD anymore it’s more common to use EUPD. I would therefore question how up to date she is…. again feel free to let your twat of a H know this….

No man would ever summon me and ‘book me in his diary’ please go back to work and leave him, you will feel so much better, what a nasty, disgusting man he is!!