AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Focus on getting back on the career ladder asap.

Why did he lose his job?

Your friendship group as a whole seems very cliquey and immature.

@CFornot123 I've known two mental health nurses. One a family member who had mental health issues never dealt with. The other mad as a box of frogs (her words). But someone the police could rely on. Neither would have diagnosed a friend's wife in a conversation.

I think this woman has zero self awareness and is very unprofessional. God help her patients.

Is there any possible way you could get a look at the invite? Or find out who it was addressed to?

Your husband is a sneaky bastard. He might have lied about the invitation and a lot more.

That’s outrageous of her and him. I’d let him know that I am hurt and disgusted that they have discussed me at such length and that she, someone who is not a psychiatrist or doctor, feels able to diagnose someone they haven’t met in five years.

Id ask him if he wants a divorce and if this is all a part of laying down a pattern of accusations of ill mental health to make me seem crazy. Because that’s what I see here… a man trying to convince you you’re unstable. Why? Does he want to remove the kids and himself from you?

OP, kindly - you have been massively gaslit. Your husband has a very inappropriate relationship with this woman, it crosses all kinds of boundaries. Not because she is a woman, but because he spends too much time with her and you are excluded. Also, two of them discussing you like you are a sick child - and her suggesting you need to get diagnosed - wtf? No friend should behave in this way. I would go as far as suggest she is very unprofessional and should be reported.

My advice would be:

1. Distance yourself from all this shit. Put a firm stop to any discussion mentioning her, say "I dont care, she's your friend, not mine, leave me out of it". Put a stop to any "intervention" by saying "I dont deal with gossip".
2. Get back to your job PRONTO. Whatever the cost. Re-establish your career and earnings.
3. Be prepared to say "me or her". Stop being "wise", "modern" or "polite". This woman is ruining your marriage, and your husband is happy for her to do this.
4. I'm sorry but I suspect they are shagging.

Totally agree with this comment!
I think you’re a bit too passive where Jane is concerned… toughen up and push back against her horrible behaviour. I’d give DH something to think about too… a few choice words about loyalty wouldn’t go amiss.

Can you not see that your real issue is the specimen you married?

Wake up.

Oh come on. Even if he isn't sleeping with her (he probably is), your relationship with your DH is not sustainable. You are still young and deserve much better than he is giving. If you want to try to make it work with him (personally I wouldn't) then don't bother arguing about/discussing Jane with him. Give him a stark ultimatum, her or you, and make him decide quickly. No arguments about whether he is or is not sleeping with her, that's irrelevant. She is a malevalent force in your marriage, and your DH should be willing to give up the 'friendship' for the sake of saving his marriage. If he isn't willing, then you know what you need to do.

There are 3 things are going on here and it's worth pulling them apart.

First, the "diagnosis." No diagnostician can diagnose a personality disorder in a person they've never assessed. It isn't a clinical opinion, it's an insult with a lanyard on. A GP wouldn’t take a 3rd hand label seriously either. If you ever do see your GP, go on your own terms, by yourself, about how you're actually doing in this inappropriate situation.

Second, as a clinician my concern is if she leaned on her nurse status to push this. If so you can raise a concern with the NMC (nmc.org.uk/concerns-nurses-midwives). Realistically it lives or dies on evidence, so screenshot anything in writing. But don't let "should I report her" distract you from the conversation you actually need to have at home.

Finally, your husband. A woman who has dodged meeting you for four years, while going out with your husband regularly without you, has handed him a diagnosis of his own wife, and instead of telling her where to go, he's pressured you into psychiatric assessment.
Why is her word about you worth more to him than yours? What exactly has he been telling her about you for four years to make her this confident? Why is he showing her opinion more respect than you?

For what it's worth, from your description, your behaviour is not the issue here 💐

I’d also suggest you could complain about her behaviour to the NMC or her NHS trust as it may be seen as professional misconduct (giving a diagnostic opinion without assesment and sharing it with someone)

This. I bet OP was invited but ‘D’H chose instead to take Jane as his plus one.

She probably stopped communicating with after hearing your husband moan about you for years, she thinks you’re an awful person/someone not to bother with based on whatever he’s been telling her.
You don’t actually have a ‘them’ problem you have a husband problem… like many on here.
Hes been disloyal throughout your marriage and his information has made someone think you have significant mental health problems. That’s not forgivable really, I’m not sure I would get past it especially after you’ve given up everything to move around after him.

Sounds like they are both trying to gaslight you, disgusting pair of twats.

The situation with your poor dog is unforgivable, I couldn’t be with a partner who did that.

@CFornot123 , yes actually I never saw the wedding invite. I just got told one day in November that “he’d been invited to the wedding and the invite was addressed just to him” so I wasn’t invited.
My ex had one of those. He was telling me that I had mental problems.
He took someone else to the wedding. The OW.

Have you spoken to any one from the friendship group recently?

Lots of high achievers have parents who couldn’t give two shits how their kids feel about anything. It’s not at all uncommon for them to end up in unhealthy relationships where they allow their feelings to be trampled on.

Yes she has surely overstepped her professional boundary by quite a margin.

but actually she’s a red herring. Get your career back on track and get a divorce. He’s ruining you

While you're at it, if your DH is so concerned about your health, ask him to come to an appointment with you so he can explain to the GP the new, remote diagnosis and how it came about. That should be interesting.

I don't believe you weren't on that invite.

I also think perhaps there's something dodgy about the 'losing' his job & immediately going to her in the UK.

Over the last couple of years this is at least the third thread / set of circumstances that I have seen like this, where there is kind of dynamic with a third wheel.

I would also re-ignite your career, it's only been 2 years.

If I was you, I would get my career re-established pdq and get your ducks in a row as far finances are concerned. Also setting boundaries as far as this friend is concerned and give him an ultimatum as far as contact is concerned. Think you’ve been way too laid back. And I would be finding out about that wedding invitation. All sounds a bit suspect.
Think you need to have some very sharp words…and that whole ‘n ‘ word thing is not ok. Even my Nigerian friends reckon the whole rapper thing is just an excuse to use the word.

OP, really sorry, but you need to forget the Jane issue. You husband is a bit of a cunt. That’s the main problem. Get your career back, lawyer up, he’s a dismissive prick who doesn’t respect you.

the fact that you became the trailing spouse is so disempowering. Ditch him and get in with your life.

I’m rarely speechless (corporate lawyer too @CFornot123 ) but this has done it. The disrespect is astonishing, as is the fact he seems to expect to to accept being the second tier relationship behind this women. I also honestly cannot believe you have accepted this though, the running away leaving you in the US with the kids shows how little he thinks of you, and you are clearly a clever cookie. He does not value you, and frankly I think you should divorce and take him for everything you can

I’d also report her unprofessional conduct to her employer and the governing body, and check with her employer she hasn’t been snooping, but I’m also a vindictive bitch, so that may not be for you.

PS- also don’t believe you weren’t on the wedding invitation!

Sorry to say this OP but you are being a gullible fool to put up with this abusive treatment from both of them but especially your husband.
You’re obviously intelligent, capable and successful in your professional life so why on earth are you putting up with this deplorable situation - think of your daughter too, what is this teaching her??
He's got to choose who is most important in his life - if it’s you then Jane needs to go from EVERY part of his life including messaging etc but if it’s not you then you need to leave this despicable man.
They are both gaslighting you and you are allowing them to do so - GET A GRIP OF YOUR LIFE FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER!

My DH & I have a very simple pact. We do not discuss our relationship with others.
Your DH is being completely disrespectful to your marriage by discussing any issues, with this friend, whilst not mentioning anything to you (and she is making hay on the back of this).
The friend sounds like a complete bitch & you are well rid of her from your circle of friends. The uni friend’s wedding is odd. There is no way my DH would go to any wedding without me. If I was not I invited then he would simply decline the invite. This might need further investigation.
Ultimately I think the only solution is to arrange couples therapy (if you are minded to save the marriage).
Good luck. Sadly it seems there are 3 people in your marriage & it won’t be easy to resolve.

Great advice.

Make it ice cold crystal clear to him that Jane is out if he wants to stay married.

Although personally I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t take me seriously and neglected our pets. What an absolute cunt to leave your dog to suffer.