AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Ok look. He needs to decide, you are her.

He either cuts you or her off for good. Nothing less.

I hope he picks her because you deserve better than these crumbs. You know that.

Bin him. Take him for everything. He’s absolutely fucking her. It probably started when she started ghosting you. Definitely contact someone from the friendship group.

Was it an over-nighter?

Oh OP, this has made me quite sad. You’re a bright, intelligent, resilient, strong, caring woman and mother who has been treated appallingly.

Quite apart from having betrayed your trust by divulging god knows what to Jane, your husband somehow thinks it’s acceptable to inform you, in a very perfunctory way, that the two of THEM have discussed and decided that you need help. It doesn’t even sound like this is coming from a place of kindness and concern. It seems horribly demeaning and like one of those turn of the century husbands who thought their wives were hysterical or needed putting away in an institution.

From your further updates, it sounds like your husband is fond of telling you that you exaggerate and will easily minimise your concerns, to the point of even putting your dog in danger. Having lived with a man like this (he’s now my ex-husband), I can tell you this will never get better. This incapacity he has of respecting your needs, opinion, fears, concerns etc will eat away at your self esteem and make you incredibly frustrated in the long term. You’ll start questioning yourself every day. And the more you try contorting yourself to make him see your point of view, the more frustrated and sad you’ll get and the more of your precious life energy you’ll be wasting. It’s futile and no way to live.

you are still young. You have a whole life to live. Don’t spend it sacrificing more of your time, energy and career to facilitate the life of a man who hasn’t shown you respect and kindness.

you haven’t randomly listed a set of concerns on Mumsnet. You’re following your intuition. You know this isn’t right. Wishing you a lot more happiness ahead OP. 💐

One of my best friends is a man. I would NEVER interfere in his relationship! I'd give unbiased advice if asked for it and that's all. She's very inappropriate.

She's a nurse not a psychiatrist. She's not even qualified to be diagnosing you .

I may be being completely ignorant here, but isn’t BPD outside of the scope of run of the mill mental health?

In which case, apart from being wholly unprofessional, she’s possibly not in a professional position to comment?

If Jane had half a brain cell, she'd know that a long of women wrongly diagnosed with BPD actually have ADHD. And that one side of a story is meaningless.

But problematic as she is, as you know, you have a 'D'H problem.

Sorry op but she means more to him than you. Why would he accept her being racist she is basically being rude to you all. The fact he flew to see her tells me there is something going on. He’s never in your corner op why? Because he should be he should be calling her out and dropping her as a friend for this racism. No decent friend would be so disrespectful about someones partner and then carry on meeting up. Start to look at his phone.

Wow. You'd think Jane is his wife! This got red flags all over it and I would say the same if Jane had been a Jason. He's gaslighting you into believing that their relationship is normal- it isn't !

I'd have dumped the DH after the dog incident honestly. In fact we'd have been on the ropes the first time Jane showed her racism.

You seem to be quite passive in your relationship OP. I don't mean to be hurtful, but you were quite young when you got together with him, and I think you've been putting up with a lot that makes you uncomfortable in order to not rock the boat?

As everyone else has said, now you need to prepare for the next stage of your life. You can plainly see that your H has been hugely disrespectful to you, in discussing you with his "friend".

You can try to sit him down and calmly tell him that you have had enough of Jane's interfering and his disloyalty and judge from his reaction whether he acknowledges he has made a huge mistake; however I fear he will go on the defensive which really is your answer isn't it.

FWIW I'm more than twice your age, and I know that my husband has never been disrespectful enough to discuss me or any mental health issues I might have with anyone, except perhaps his best friend who would give him unconditional support without being unpleasant, mean or nasty about me!

Wishing you strength OP for whatever happens next.

I only had to read to here: She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language to conclude that your husband should’ve started giving her a very wide berth. Especially if the racist language is directed towards your race.

I’d bet any money that Jane is jealous of you.

If you husband also believes that you have a personality disorder, I’d be filing for divorce.

(I work in mental health and some mental health nurses are the most awful, completely wrong for the job bullies!)

I'm outraged for you. Please have my first ever LTB.

It sounds like he has zero respect for you and if I were you, I would have zero respect for him. Anyone that thinks it's acceptable to treat you this way has serious, serious issues. Please realise you deserve so much better and so do your children.

You have a H problem. She may have overstepped but why has she felt comfortable saying that to your DH, what has he being saying for her to come to this conclusion, why would he even listen to what she has to say about his wife who he should know inside out but friend doesn't know, why has he approached this as if he and she are a couple coming to a joint conclusion about you and why is he scheduling time to discuss? There are so many things there that your H has done wrong, he sounds like an absolute arse. It sounds like he has been feeding her some nasty stories about you.

This might be helpful

womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

There is a section about what to include in a safety packing list which may help you to get your ducks in a row

Do you think its possible that your husband has been badmouthing you to Jane for years, that Jane has long supported her best friend through a difficult marriage? (In her mind). Perhaps husband approached her with the idea of BPD, so Jane agreed this may be possible. Approach this with an open mind, he may be manipulating you and Jane.

Op - you know the answer and it is playing into your insecurities that you even think there may be debate!

He is being grossly unfair and disrespectful to you and your children. He’s manipulating you and/or allowing himself to be manipulated. Either way - he’s the problem.
Your mental health, marriage, behaviour, mood is not and never would be a topic for discussion and certainly not a topic for prescription! I’d honestly be looking up professional conduct authorities pertaining to her work, and I’d be getting ducks in a row.

Yikes, OP. This sounds like an absolute nightmare. A real psychiatrist would know that you can’t diagnose someone you know personally, and you certainly can’t diagnose your patient’s spouse who you have no contact with (even if, or especially if, you used to know them personally).

The fact she thinks it’s ok to say this is evidence that what she’s actually interested in is meddling in your relationship. And your H seems to be most interested in this too. He’s not supportive of you in general and now he’s actually trying to gaslight you that there is any validity in the diagnosis of BPD that his friend has made in your absence.

He ran off to see his friend for 10 days to talk about losing his job and left you with the DCs? I would be fuming!! OMG I am furious on your behalf! You don't need therapy because you were pissed off about that. Any normal human would be. What was wrong with a phone call?

OP this is not a normal relationship. He is seriously trying to justify his relationship with her by making you feel like you are doing everything wrong and are going mad. I'm really sorry to say but I would be amazed if there is nothing intimate going on between them. And it really does sound like a Coleen Hoover novel or a Harlan Coben bloody mini series!

you married a man who is best friends with a racist? Hasn’t that stuck in the craw all these years?

I'd tell her to f off and I'd tell him to tell her to f off as well. And, if he refused to tell her to f off, I'd tell him to f off also. Put simply.

That was my thought as well. It sounds like he doesn't respect you (because you "follow him around" and do not have a career, would be my guess, nevermind that you doing so has made his career possible).

Obviously it's hard to tell, but if he were my friend, I would have invited his wife to the wedding unless I knew that he'd rather be there without her.

Is she a career coach? Does she have expertise in his field? Why would her advice take precedence over yours?

He's treating you terribly. Yes he might be manipulating Jane as well as you but that's for Jane to sort out.
He's either prioritising Jane as his rock or he's lying about you to garner support.

I don't know where you go from here with such a disloyal husband. He's going to undermine you over and over again until you get out.

It gets worse!
So his prospects, that have a huge impact on the life of you and your DC, require a flight to another country to discuss with Jane? That's not something he thinks should be discussed and a joint decision with you, his wife? But you're the problem and need therapy.
It sounds like there could be gaslighting going on, topped off nicely with a meeting arranged to explain that you have a personality disorder.

Agree with this about mental health nurse not meaning much.

many people choose their careers for the right reason, but there’s a significant amount who enjoy their role because it gives power over other people.

bullying is rife in the nursing sector.

You have a DH problem and that problem is that you've put up with his disrespectful behaviour for far too long! While I think it's unacceptable for Jane to be 'diagnosing' you, I presume her evaluation of you is based on what your DH is telling her about you! He's the problem. You need to leave the bastard 😒