AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Personally I'd be finding a job and telling h and just Jane to fuck off, he clearly has no respect for you to dissguss this

That's not appropriate really. If she was a decent friend she'd make an effort to befriend you.

That's what most people know when they have close friends of the opposite sex, it's really beneficial to also befriend their partner. If you don't then EA will be looking more likely. Like it looks kinda shifty.

As for racism, it's disgusting and frankly I wouldn't want to be married to someone who wants to friends with a racist of either sex.

Totally disagree. She’d just be pandering to his narrative and he will only argue with her from a totally unqualified lens.

All she should say is “Thanks for your thoughts. I’ll keep them in mind when discussing my ADHD diagnosis pathway with my doctor.”

Only a fool would think either he or Jane have any ability to diagnose his wife and he’s gone about it in a way that shows a total lack of genuine care or concern for her. That’s what the OP needs to keep front and centre in her mind, not engaging with his blaming narrative.

To be honest I’d continue to leave the career on hold and prioritise a divorce with a financial settlement based on present position.

Never mind Jane-your husband is an absolute shit.

She's racist & he still wants her as his bestie?

So you also weren’t invited to a mutual friends wedding? I would say it’s your DH talking about you to others. That is just ridiculous. There definitely is a huge emotional connection between your DH & Jane. But your DH is the only one who owes you loyalty & respect. Doesn’t seem like he’s doing either.

I couldn’t decide which way to vote, sorry! A part of me thinks yabu for tolerating this for so long. How can you be ok with your husband staying friends with someone who treats you with such disdain (and openly racist) It would completely change my perception of him. Why is he repeatedly putting her above you?

I hope you have good friends of your own you can turn to. I have a feeling there is something brewing, if they haven’t crossed that line already.

And as for her 'diagnosing' you with BPD - I'd be considering reporting her to her professional body - the Nursing and Midwifery Council IIRC. It is extremely unprofessional behaviour on her part.

I've just seen that Pessismistis has posted what I was going to say....are you sure you weren't invited to the wedding? Based on everything you've outlined, it wouldn't surprise me if your "D"H declined on your behalf.

It does rather sound like a narrative is being written behind your back....

Oh my god!

This sounds like the beginning of a thriller novel where she rage baits you, makes you lose it. You end up splitting up, and he ends up getting custody of the kids because they've made you look like the crazy one but it was all planned by Jane all along.

This kind of emotional betrayal would be divorce for me but you don’t seem as livid as I would be. So I hope you can work through it.

OP I'm going to be honest with you, your husband sounds abusive. Refusing to get help for a suffering animal, having to be begged by someone he actually respects because he thinks his wife is mentally ill or is trying to make her believe she is. What a cunt. Who knows what she's been saying, but I wouldn't be shocked to find out that it's your husband who has spread whatever rumours that have seen you excluded from the friendship group. Because how can his own wife be excluded from your mutual friend group and he doesn't kick up a fuss and tell them all to fuck off? Your husband is the problem here, Jane is irrelevant. She may or may not be scheming, but your husband is the one fucking you over.

yes actually I never saw the wedding invite. I just got told one day in November that “he’d been invited to the wedding and the invite was addressed just to him” so I wasn’t invited.

about two months ago I questioned him on his relationship with Jane (based on an incident last year where he lost his job in California, took the next flight out to the UK and spent 10 days in the UK, meeting with her to discuss his prospects and options, leaving me and my two children in the US alone with no answers).

the response was “he could see where I was coming from but there was nothing going on between them and he will always love Jane as his best friend and perhaps I needed therapy to explore why I was clearly jealous of her”

Your husband is a disloyal prick.

I am fuming for you OP oh my fucking god. Who does she actually think she is.

The bigger problem of course is your DH. He is out here quite clearly negatively venting about you to her which makes her feel special in a way, like he's choosing her to turn to and not you. I can't imagine her husband bitches about her to his female best mate. So that's one thing.

Trying to insinuate that you have mental health problems, and advising your husband to "gently tell you to see a GP" would have me proving her assumptions correct because wtf. What the fuck. The utter audacity of saying something so condescending, that she knows is not true, when (probably she and) your DH knows she's the problem having referred to her as "a bit flaky". The fact he also said this to excuse her treating you poorly. Just shocking really.

They've ultimately teamed up against you tbh. Idk why people in these 'friendships' don't just marry eachother in the first place since they almost always go on to have emotional affairs spanning across decades. I believe friendships between men and women can work, but only if they have a mutual respect for the other's partner (if they have one). If not then they HAVE to choose their spouse, who they chose to commit their life to, or else it isn't really a marriage is it.

If this were me OP, I would be giving him the ultimatum of it's me or her. Because how long will this carry on if not and where will it end. She sounds absolutely fucking awful and your husband doesn't sound much better to be honest.

Why do you not want to be diagnosed with BPD but do want to be diagnosed with ADHD?

Not read all the replies, just up to your last reply, but a couple of things are bothering me!

If she's making racist remarks about you, then she is also making racist remarks about his children, who, I presume, are half-Asian. Why is he okay with that??

Why is a nurse trying to diagnose you?? She's a healthcare worker, not a medical professional.

But maybe she isn't getting all of her information on your medical Hx from your husband alone. You need to find out if she has been accessing your medical records.

You also need to get your ducks in order. Just in case. And maybe for your mental health.

Good luck OP.

You must be tying yourself in knots trying to believe any of this is not grounds for divorce. Decide where YOU want to live. Go and live there for 6 months ans divorce him. Or decide where you’ll get the best divorce outcome and go there and divorce him. Seriously. No way back ever from this.

I don’t know how you would go about this, but I would be looking at getting something in writing about the current situation. Perhaps specialist legal advice?

it all sounds very manipulative and worrying, you need to consider covering your back in any way you can

Are you sure there is nothing else to their relationship? If your husband had a male best friend would you be pissed off if he lost his job and left you in another country? It doesn't sound like he's ever had your back, and you have willingly thrown everything you have away for someone who does not respect you. Did you just leave Oxford with a Law Degree and trail round after him for 10 years?

Is your name Diana and the super old friend called Camilla?

Seriously, I’d be looking to leave tbh. Having a moan to an old friend about your partner is quite normal. Agreeing with their suggestion that your partner has a mental illness and relaying that info back is not okay at all. He clearly has no boundaries at all.

Your husband is being abusive and Jane is being complicit in this. As pp say there’s 3 people in this marriage. I’d have a talk with DH and tell him if Jane isn’t out of your lives for good (this is the only solution I can see) then you’ll have no other option but to think about a separation.

My stepdad and mum had an issue with one of my stepdad’s female friends who used to live near their house and they all had a good friendship. Then it got to the stage where she was obviously making conversations about my stepdad and herself as friends (they never dated). My mum was annoyed about this enough to ask my stepdad not to see her again. They then relocated abroad for her husband’s career and then when they returned moved to the other end of the country. They may have seen each other once since then but certainly no more than that.

Can I ask if you’ve had ADHD symptoms all your life or just since being in a relationship with a man who drags you from pillar to post, leaves you to manage the house and kids alone, hides things, gaslights you and straight up tells you you have mental health issues?

How dare he!?

He goes behind your back and has a lengthy conversation with a female friend about your marriage and between them they cook up a diagnosis for you. It is beyond belief!

Bad enough that he is sharing personal details with someone else, but to medicalise any problems HE might have with your relationship is outrageous!

I cannot imagine how you are being so patient - if it had been me I would have told him to hop on his bike and head for the horizon.

He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. - what the actual!!!!????

I think you know what to do ...... your law degree might come in handy here.

This whole thing is a series of red flags - your DH doesn’t have your back, plain and simple.

Slightly confused about the timeline - did you guys get together straight out of uni? When did you have a career, if you were moving after him? That’ll just be my poor reading comprehension at this time of night though!

One good thing - when you have your ADHD assessment with the psychiatrist, that qualified and knowledgeable professional should put to bed any doubts as to your mental health. I can tell you from personal experience that it is a gruelling and nerve-wracking experience but the relief that you get when you hear that your issues are based on duff neurochemistry, not a personality disorder or mental health condition…it’s overwhelming. That your so-called loving husband would weaponise the fear that every ADHD-er has is pretty unforgivable.

Good luck sacking the pair of them off and sorry you’re going through this, OP.