AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

This with bells on - perhaps it’s time he made a choice you or Jane…..
You really can’t live the rest of your life like this!!
Although I also think Jane is enjoying having so much power over YOUR marriage!!

On the basis of this post alone I’d abandon attempting to understand your husband and focus on extracting as much money as possible from him in the divorce. What an asshole, he deserves to be alone with his bitchy friend.

Why did your husband need to be spoken to by another family member about getting the dog to the vet? Would you not have had access to money to pay for it?

Well, your dh really likes to keep his options open, doesn't he?

Loving partners and dads don't act like this. You deserve to be someone's first choice.

It just gets worse. I'm speechless

You’re 31, have a degree from Oxbridge, had a high-flying legal career (now abandoned) but also have managed to move 10 times in 10 years? So beginning at 21, when your career would not have even started? And added a child to the mix? OK.

Sorry Op but I’d be so disappointed in my DH if he maintained a friendship with a woman is so vile towards me - from the start racist language? And then ignoring you and just the whole vibe is off. I’m not saying there’s any affair or anything, she just seems like awful f’n person and your DH seems to prototise their friendship over your marriage

I am livid on your behalf.

However you react he (they) will turn it back on you. So I personally would go along the lines of.. I'm not even going to entertain this because of hers and your actions till now.
Yes he need to hear some home truths but weather or not he will actually hear them is another thing.

Good luck whatever direction yoh take this in. But I would really consider if I would want to with this man.

They're both utter cunts.

I agree with you and all the other pp that none of this is acceptable. However, from how you've described your (D)H, I can't see that there will be any way that you can reasonably set out your stall and have him honestly listen to your concerns, much less act on them. You're intelligent and already have made a decision to move closer to family and are looking forward to restarting your career. If I were you, I'd be telling him to put time in his diary for a meeting with you where you inform him that you've made an appointment, but not with your GP, but with a marriage counsellor for the two of you to attend. He can join you and engage with that or not -- his decision. At the same time, but without actually telling him yet, get yourself a decent divorce solicitor and start surreptitiously putting things in place. If by some miracle, he does participate in the marriage counselling and things radically change for you, then no problem, you can put the divorce stuff aside. But you probably already anticipate how he's likely respond. Good luck to you.

nooooo op!! Your husband sounds awful :( your poor dog

and as for this weddjf where you were the only one not invited - why did you DH not question this? He shouldn’t have gone

You will always come second in this set up. Put yourself first and leave him and her to their nonsense. Life is way too short and you deserve better. Move on.

Jane's trying to fuck with your marriage.

As a mental health nurse, she knows what an overstep it is to tell your husband that she's diagnosed you with a personality disorder and on the basis of comments by your husband? That's not diagnostic criteria. Has she been into your health care records? You might want to find out exactly who has accessed those.

She's racist. He's made a racist woman his close friend for many years so I would bet he's racist too.

I would try marriage counseling but it sounds like she wants to be the primary relationship in his life and he's ok with that.

She said “corporate legal role” not “high flying career” and yeah, entirely possible to do 10 moves in 10 years following a travelling spouse. Some periods might have settled for a couple of years, others might involve moving into temporary accommodation on first arrival then finding another place a few months later. If they are a travelling family they likely moved into fully furnished places.

She's vile and disrespectful and undermining. Worse though is your DH who continually puts her before you.

Time to review your options, revive your career and then lay it out. Her or you. Or simply walk away from the bastard pair of them.

Jane sounds like a racist bully, and your
D(ickhead) Husband is a spineless Twat!

Hi op this is awful of them both to discuss you behind your back. Are you sure your dh didn’t stop you going the wedding he could be bad mouthing you to all and sundry or he’s shagging jane and the others know. First off ask friend if you have done anything to upset them as your dh didn’t have a plus 1 like the others. 2 they are gaslighting you. Your dh has more respect for jane than you. I would be finding some job and tell dh he has to be more considerate to his kids you can’t be the one always responsible you have given him your 10 years now it’s your turn get the job you want get a childminder or nanny but keep your eyes wide open on these 2. Also tell him you’re not seeing a gp if you had any mental health issues you would know. He’s being a snake op. Jane is a total bitch.

Sorry but my response to the initial request to meet like a fucking business associate would have been 'No, that doesn't work for my diary ' 😡
I agree that she is out of line, she's also a cunt, but the main problem is your husband and he is the one whom you should be questioning who the fuck he thinks he is.

So agree.

You should not discuss anything else with him as it will be just repeated to 'Jane'.

He has just revealed (but surely deep down you already knew) that his priorities lie with her and not you.

So as people often state here, get your ducks in a row and start divorce proceedings. Don't think about putting up with everything for the sake of the children. Otherwise you will be that woman left high and dry financially after the children become self supporting adults.

Make the most of his high paying job now and get the maintenance you dserve after following him around the world and sacrificing your own career. And for what? Just so that he can constantly talk about you with 'her' behind your back. And then gallingly, let you know he is doing it?

You deserve better OP. Time to act like it!

A mental health nurse shouldn't and probably wouldn't be making this kind of armchair diagnosis.

Your priority should now be your career.

I think it's odd that you tolerated Jane for as long as you did. And odd that your DH has time to maintain the friendship.

Your husband is the bigger issue he should be discussing you with you not Jane. He’s clearly playing down why Jane backed off.

i think Jane is a bit of a red herring here, you have a DH problem. Your husband obviously has some issues with you/your relationship and has been telling her everything over the years. That’s probably why she started to ghost you. How awkward to be socialising with someone you’ve been hearing so much personal information about! I’d have done the same.

Id print out BPD symptoms and sit down calmly and respectfully with your husband and ask him to go through it and explain how they match with your behaviours. Make him give specific examples. Maybe you are displaying behaviours of BPD that you aren’t fully aware of, we can’t possibly know as your post is of course only from your point of view.

Just awful OP.

It's totally ridiculous that she has diagnosed you especially as she hasn't seen you for 5 years. I would want to 'invite' DH for a meeting and ask him exactly what he has been discussing with Jane. It sounds weird and toxic for this to be going on within a marriage. What does Jane's DH think of the relationship she has with your DH?

I would give myself plenty of time to write down specific points and let DH how all of this is making you feel. You and your DC should be his priority not Jane or anyone else for that matter. I'd also suggest you get back to using your qualifications OP and get a job. You sound vulnerable at the moment as you're not working. You have given up so much for him and he needs a reminder of that too!

She's a nurse, so has no place diagnosing anyone and even if she were the best qualified psychiatrist who ever lived, her relationship with you and your H would preclude her doing so.

I've had male friends all my life, but purely because of her behaviour I'd be saying it was me or Jane and meaning it.

Can't agree with this enough.

Your husband has treated you with disrespect since Day 1. His primary relationship is with Jane, not you.

You've a legal background, start putting it to use. Assemble financial documentation, find yourself a shit-hot divorce lawyer and start the ball rolling on that divorce.

I would normally advise deep conversations before drastic action, but in your particular case I think they would not only be futile but detrimental - he WILL repeat everything you say to Jane and together they will use it against you.

You have sacrificed a great deal for this man, again and again. He has repaid you with disrespect and betrayal. You deserve better.