AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

The absolute NECK on him to be texting back and forth with her after you spoke to him about this fucked up sutuation - he shouldn’t be poring over all of this with HER. He should be 100% concerned with YOU and his marriage.

Lawyer up. Make plans. This man does not have your best interests at heart,

How did that not cause a massive argument? Surely most women would go nuts in this situation. You’re having issues related to her and he’s gone running to her again!

This is how women used to get slung into asylums so the new couple could be left to their new life together. Your husband is a massive prick. Read the script and prepare for further bs. Hes supported her not speaking to you anymore because it suits his flow of information.

This. They will plot together to fuck you over. He is already preparing his way of not feeling guilty. The " crazy ex" script. This way they get to keep the social circle too. Dont keep quiet about this speak to close friends.
I think youve lost perspective on how bad this situation actually is.

And change ALL of your passwords on EVERYTHING. Do it IMMEDIATELY.

@CFornot123 Having read your post & updates, I’m sorry to say that your husband sounds truly awful. He’s selfish & dismissive & is now gaslighting you. He’s clearly having a weird, dysfunctional, emotional affair with this equally terrible woman. And yes, in line with your original post, who the F does she think she is?? I’m raging for you!! I’d say his response to your calm & clear expression of how you feel tells you all you need to know. Get out. Cut him loose. Do it sooner rather than later, before he manipulates things even further & hurts you even more. After all your sacrifices, he’s treating you like SHIT! He’s not worth the energy of fighting for. Let the stupid B have him.

You need to grow a back bone and stand up for yourself. You are too accepting. Your dh and this woman sound absolutely awful people and you are allowing them to air all this completely made up bullshit and you are literally doing nothing about it. How can you tolerate so much shit being talked about you by your own dh? Fucking hell. I am speechless. You need to find your 😡 rage. 😤

I suggested this earlier. It is likely the DH fathered Jane's child.

Forget Jane. You don’t know what was said between them, you only know what your ‘d’h reported back to you.

BPD is a common misdiagnosis for autistic and adhd women. The rejection sensitivity, impulsivity, meltdown, etc, can be viewed in this way through a medical lens, when the ND is misperceived and not understood. Jane could have made a casual comment along these lines that your h has interpreted and reported back as ‘Jane thinks you have BPD’. Alternatively, she may be completely out of line and making massively overstepping assumptions. Either way, your dh is the problem, as others have said

Sorry OP, he’s turned away from you and into her. He no longer sees you as his other half. You’re his target now. Someone he can bully and bitch about to the other person.

Id make plans to leave. The comments about him dismissing you show he holds contempt. And if he truly believes your behaviour is indicative of BPD then he must be horrified by it to think you’re genuinely mentally ill. I’d be preparing for my marriage to fail and I’d be telling everyone why.

I'm wondering why did he have to come to the UK to discuss things with Jane?
Why couldn't he have had a telephone conversation with her, if he absolutely had to talk to her, why come to her in person.

Also your husband making it so blatantly obvious by sending messages to Jane with you present in the car.
This appears like they both want to get a reaction from you and it seems like they're playing a game. ( not a very nice one ) then he can label you as paranoid.

Your husband should not even be involved in discussing you with Jane. His loyalty should be with you, but he's crossing a line where he's behaving like a selfish idiot.

The more of your updates I read, the more annoying his behaviour appears.
I think you should seek to regain your independence and successful career.
This will help to regain your confidence in yourself.

Please be wary about the health issues your husband and Jane are labelling you with.
They want you to think that, you are not diagnosed with anything until you speak to a health professional yourself.

I know this situation they are putting you in will be stressful for you in itself.

Your husband is not the loving husband you think he is. There are red flags all over about his behaviour towards you.
He has so conveniently an answer about everything. Like he works so hard for the sake of his family and he has your back.

What about this friendship with Jane, he's only thinking about himself.
Wishing you all the best in the future.

I'm wondering why did he have to come to the UK to discuss things with Jane?

Maybe to see the child he fathered with Jane.

I'm confused, does he have a child with Jane?
Or is that just a guess?

But whatever the reason he was desperate to see her.
He obviously needed comfort from her and not his wife.
I'm very sorry this is happening to you. @CFornot123

This is him not her .... I think you're focusing on the wrong issue..

I would be consulting a lawyer and getting my ducks in a row and sorting a divorce..
On no planet would my husband or anyone I know be getting 2nd medical diagnosis from someone who is a stranger (you haven't seen her for 5 yrs and you're only 31)..

Seriously this is madness.. have you heard about gaslighting?

Sort your career out later once you're free...

I’d be tempted to make an enquiry to her employer and/or the Nursing and Midwifery Council expressing concerns about 1) the inappropriate “diagnosis” and 2) the racism. Also wonder how her husband feels about the friendship. Maybe it’s time to drop him a note and arrange a lunch date next time you’re in the same place…

It's easy to blame her but if he has been coming to her with incessant "poor me" stories for years and embellishing the stories about your upset around his behaviours and the constant moving you have to do for his career she may really believe he is stuck in a marriage with an emotionally abusive woman. She wouldn't be the first to fall for the manipulation of a man who wants an affair partner (or a mother substitute). A man who comes crying with stories all of the time about the "mad wife" and being impossibly stuck because the "mad wife" will take away the DC or harm herself if he leaves can powerfully play into the rescuer tendencies of the woman who unwittingly has herself fallen into believing his story. Often women don't wake up to this dynamic until mid-life when they see it played out over and over. That said, if his stories did fit the BPD profile and she was genuinely worried, she should have directed him to find his own psychologist and not continue to be in this enmeshment with him.

You say you've moved back to be closer to family - your family or his?

That 7 years between you was a big gap at uni age. Mature student versus younger student.

You sound fearful to communicate with people - you never outright asked Jane what her problem is with you when she started ghosting you? You have not directly asked the old friends getting married why they have sent an invitation to your DH excluding you? How did that happen and how does DH think it in any way acceptable?

There have been so many threads over the years on relationships of capable women broken by these relationship dynamics. I hope you have moved back closer to your family and they will be supportive of you.

I'm going to hold your hand when I say this; but given everything you have shared it's clear your husband doesn't respect you and he never will.
He's clearly content with this other woman and they have a grand old time slagging you off. That's not ok. He's meant to be YOUR husband. He's meant to confide in YOU not this other woman.
If you truly love and respect yourself. Leave him. He's not going to leave Jane over you. Hard pill to swallow I know.
If also agree with other posts, find out where she is a nurse and lodge a formal complaint. This woman has no place to diagnose you and discuss your 'illness' with others without your consent or knowledge. She needs to be struck off or at least heavily disciplined.
I genuinely hope you see sense and leave. Good luck.

I have to say this OP, when I met my husband, about 20 yrs ago, he had a "Jane". She was banished by me, very early on in our relationship, because I could see exactly how interfering and manipulative she was and didn't want to be in any kind of emotional "throuple".

Can you cut her out now?

As with PPs, I’d get my ducks in a row, gather information, update CV. Contact friends and family to gain allies.

I’d play the game for now still and book counselling to embarrass your husband. It’ll
leave him either having to admit he’s devious or stupid.

I’d also contact Jane’s husband to ask how he feels about the situation. Your husband’s response after that will tell you everything you need to know.

When it comes to separation / divorce, is there consensus as to whether OP should go back to the workplace yet? Or should she hold off?

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

Not the point of the thread, but curious how this worked? If you're 31 and have moved 10 times in 10 years, following him around the world, you must not have had a whole lot of time to get your legal career going?

Sounds like gaslighting

So when I read “he lost his job in California, took the next flight out to the UK and spent 10 days in the UK, meeting with her to discuss his prospects and options, leaving me and my two children in the US alone with no answers” on top of her cutting contact with you after her daughter was born…

The next flight out?
Meeting with her to discuss his life options?
She dropped you after she had a baby, but is enmeshed with him?

OP, join the dots.

At best, they are each other’s safety net.
At worst, that’s his kid and he’s juggling two lives
At the very worst, all their friends know and that’s why you weren’t at the wedding.

BUT NONE OF THIS IS OK.

She clarified they moved around the country and she moved he job. Some moves may not have required moving jobs I guess

this is one of those threads where OP pops up intermittently to give an update but doesn’t really answer questions so not clear anyway

You are smart so I think you know this OP. There is a third wheeler in this marriage and it's not his best friend, it's you, you are the third wheeler and that's why he disappeared from California for 10 days to come get consolation from her. She is his no one priority and her opinion holds more water. Get back to your law career and kick a** OP. We are all rooting for you to get on the other side far from these two gaslighters

OP knew she was racist yet still tried to be friends with her and she chose her to be one of her bridesmaids.

If the racism was that big a deal why make all this effort with her?

What is cutting her out going to achieve? The DH is entangled with Jane. He is unlikely to let go of her.

The damage is already done. OP is best off leaving Jane and her DH to run off into the sunset together.