AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

He relocated to USA. Gets fired. Did his employer there expect a higher standard, was he over promoted. He will be smarting from that. Somehow he maybe twisted the whole thing into being her fault. Who knows. He's very self pitying from @CFornot123 posts. What a man child.

This is a brilliant post and I agree with every word of it, especially this:

"Report the witch to her regulatory board, find out how to request who has looked at your medical record without your consent. She wanted to diagnose you & blow up your world so you need to repay the favour! Let’s see if she likes to be on the receiving end. Don’t forget how she is a racist either. A person like that should be nowhere near anyone vulnerable.
Plus if you can find screenshots of her telling him you have BPD you have the evidence to show just how spiteful and unprofessional she really is. She does not get to come in and walk away unscathed. Every action has a consequence and she needs to learn hers."

OP, if there is going to be any hope for your marriage, you are going to HAVE to blow up relations between you and Jane. Don't worry about pussyfooting around her. I think she needs to know that you hate her for all she's done and that she is not welcome in your presence, ever again. Your husband is simply going to have to choose.

She has helped blow up not only your life, but the lives of two children. A condition of your marriage, going forward, is that this woman is out of both your lives, forever. And if your husband had any bloody sense, he would see that "Jane" does not have his best interests at heart. She wants to pull apart his marriage and family. She wants to destroy the lives of two children and expose him to the absolute shit-show that is divorce. Divorce reverberates through the rest of your life. And this is what she wants for her friend and his children? A true friend would have told him to communicate with his wife the minute he started whining about you to her - I bet this is how it all started, years ago when she stopped speaking to him.

I would absolutely report her to her NHS trust, both for her "diagnosis" and for the racism. I agree with going through his phone. Would be amazing if there are racist things in there from her.

Yes, you have a DH problem, but I would also be going scorched earth on this woman. If your DH does choose you and his marriage and children, and if you decide you want to rebuild from your end, a complete lack of contact with Jane must be a condition, going forward. Forever. This is not because you're jealous or because she's a woman, it's because she has a track record of social aggression towards you and because she is a serious threat to your children, marriage, peace, and stability. I would be saying exactly the same if it was a man doing this. You need to be very clear that she is someone you cannot abide and that you don't want to hear her name spoken ever again, let alone see her. Yes, I realise there's a "group". Well, groups can be very claustrophobic. Perhaps it's about time you and your husband found some new couple friends.

Or, you could email everyone and tell them exactly what a little rat Jane has been, and that she cared nothing for blowing up children's lives. And let them choose. At least they will know they can't invite you two and her to the same things. You can still see your friends, but you will need to make clear that you cannot abide Jane's presence.

All this is assuming that you even want to give him another chance. God, I'm so angry with both of them on your behalf! WHY are there so many men who cannot see how blessed they are to have a wife and children? Many men deserve neither, imo.

This is spot on . She’s a witch. My observation is that there is a cohort of health care professionals who choose this psych because of their own issues and how they relate.

I really think you have been foolish to give up your career to follow your husband . You will be in trouble when the marriage breaks down.
This should be the number 1 priority in your marriage at the moment - however inconvenient the childcare is , do it . It may even be that DH career needs to take a back seat for a couple of years in order for you to BOTH have careers in the longer term. There is only so long you can be out of work before you lose current skills / experience.

Are you for real? This is the most insane situation I’ve ever heard of .
your married in print only,your husband obviously thinks more of this woman than you, Get them both out of your life immediately, or your mental health certainly does need some assistance… ridiculous

He lost his job and flew to the UK to discuss it with Jane?! I'm sorry OP, that alone would be a deal-breaker for me.

Your marriage is not working and for whatever reason your 'd'h is putting this other woman centre of everything.

Get a job and get rid of him. And be relieved when Jane is also then out of your life.

I’m really sorry to read all of this, you must be feeling so sick now. Most pp are right though - you need to divorce him and do it well. I worry that the mental health line is him building up the case for why he wants to divorce you. Jane is not innocent but there will be an element of him feeding her the narrative and as his friend, she will be supporting him, hence the pseudo diagnoses. I think ultimately you have been fast tracked into divorce - well it’s fast for you, but his behaviour indicates he’s been thinking about it for a long time. However he’s trying to blame you for the split and building the mentally unwell narrative as the reason. Which in turn could ironically make you unwell as it’s a type of abuse he is doing. There are mixed opinions here on whether you should pursue and debunk the mental health line as backing yourself in the divorce argument. I personally think you should go to your gp - book 2 appointments and have a good chat. See what they say. They may diagnose something else. This will at thr very leeast help validate your own thoughts on this narrative - you do need to be strong in that. Also, blowing Jane’s career is tempting but keep that one in the back pocket for now as it might just push them more together and justify their argument. Get the evidence though if you can. Good luck. Get angry and fight for yourself and thr kids. Start building your own support group. His will end up supporting him not you so you need to find your tribe asap. And remember, you didnt get into oxbridge on nothing!! There is a very powerful and successful you in there - find her!

You need to smarten up sharpish @CFornot123 or these people will obliterate your life and that of your children.
Stop hand-wringing and toughen up.

I'm very pleased to hear you were lucky to find a reputable one. Someone I know had a diagnosis of adhd and autism on the same day,( at university) I have known this young person from the age of two and have spent ab awful lot of time in ger company and I very much doubt they have either

Absolutely do as suggested here OP.

Any evidence you can get of Jane 'diagnosing you'.

I'd be leaving this horrid toxic man, he and Jane deserve each other as they are both vile.

You are worth SO much more! Find your fire, channel it to divorce him and report her for unprofessional conduct.

You will be so much happier without being gaslit and treated this way.

You are being manipulated. And his behaviour with Jane is completely unacceptable. She sounds really horrible, there’s no excuse for her using abusive racist language “casually” like a “rapper”. Your DH has no respect for you, spending all day discussing you with his “friend” who comes up with malicious diagnoses of your mental health. In fact your DH sounds rather pathetic and full of self-pity. My diagnosis would be to end this fiasco of a marriage, however difficult, because in the long term you will be so much better off without all this BS. And then he can spend all day and night texting Jane to his heart’s content.

@CFornot123 Well i would now make plans to leave.
In the meantime tell your dh that just as he needs a female outside perspective on your marriage perhaps you should have a male one and you will now be reaching out to x ( Any male friend you can think of from uni) and describing in detail the minutiae of your marriage.

Then watch the hypocrisy as your a**hole of a dh is outraged.
What's sauce for the goose ....

He’s justifying his own behaviour by blaming you..it’s your fault he has to do what he does. And it’s your fault he feels like he does. And he’s still ‘confiding’ in her and putting her above you..and that’s your fault too. He is playing the victim. Classic.

You do need to leave. Or he does. He really is not able to be what he should be to you. He is on the narcissist spectrum somewhere and won’t change. In my opinion and I’m not qualified except by experience but his behaviours are typical. But labels don’t really matter. It just a quick way to define a problem. The real point is he won’t change, makes you unhappy and then acts like the victim while it’s all your fault. It’s all about him.

Do you really want to waste your life feeling like you do ?

My God I would not tolerate this for TWO SECONDS.

Awful, awful. What are you going to do, OP?

OP is Oxbridge educated.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married

But she still thought it was a good effort to make a LOT of effort with a RACIST and even had the RACIST as a bridesmaid!

But OP made a lot of effort with Jane despite her being a racist and even let racist Jane be one of her bridesmaids.

The racism didn't matter to her then but now she is making it a big part of her post.

Its quite clear anything you say is passed on. Stop trying.

Your marriage make you unhappy. Its not for him to decide what constitues unteasonable behaviour. Its what is unreasonable to you.

I would ask him to pop on an email janes diagnosis, and her quailifactions as your doctor would like to see it. This is your proof to anyone. You dont need it to divorce him, but you might if he starts to make stuff up and get custody.

You were invited to the wedding. Phone them up and say how disappinted you were. Better still bump into them and say so. Tell them all about jane.

Fuck me, you are very passive and comoletely controlled by this man. Do you have your own bank account and can spend as you wish? Is that why you cant engage with a divorce lawyer?

What do your parents think?

'diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years'

What on earth has he been telling her that has led her to think you sound like someone with BPD? Do you have a volatile relationship with him, mood swings or major dramas? Because that must be what she's hearing!? I would be furious if someone tried to 'diagnose' my partner... why wasn't he telling her she had massively overstepped??

'don’t communicate in our marriage enough'

Perhaps he needs to prioritise talking to you about the relationship and not Jane?! Does he meet you for lunch / coffee just to chat and check in with each other?

Sounds like DP problem

This. 100% this.
The circumstances around the ending of your meet-ups with Jane, are not suggestive of BPD. If you had to (over) analyse it, it suggests Jane has the problem.

sounds like you have invested a huge amount in supporting your husband’s career and you are understandably trying to figure out what’s what.

boundaries are critical in BPS and the only person who needs boundaries is Jane. She should not be criticising the communication in your relationship and then stepping over boundaries and diagnosing you. That’s unprofessional. She should have encouraged your husband to talk to you and make sense with you about what is going on at the moment.

im sorry this is going on for you. I would just say, gently communicate with your husband and put some boundaries in place so that he agrees he will talk to someone else - not Jane - if he needs to talk to someone else.

Are you in the UK now and neither of you has a passport from another country? If for example DH is a US citizen would take a PP’s advice about the DCs’ passports and legal advice.

Wouldn’t spend much time/energy thinking about Jane and wouldn’t do anything as regards her. Your relationship is with your H. His treatment of you is the problem, including but not only in his inappropriate relationship with Jane, and he seems to be gaslighting you.

From what you’ve posted there seems little hope he’ll ‘see the light’ and change - you’d be better off secretly planning to end the marriage.

I find it interesting Jane cut ties just after her baby was born, which is odd timing as it would have been COVID era where friends with similar aged children were literal lifelines.

Does the child look like DH by any chance? What does her husband think of this close friendship she has with yours?

It sounds to me like there might be some coercive control domestic abuse going on, it might be worth speaking to local domestic abuse support services to make sure you are safe and supported if anything escalated.

Jane is out of line but the real issue here is your husband.

Your husband is a massive dick. So dis respectful towards you, hope you find the strength to leave xx

You need to get your own career back and stop focusing so much on your husband and Jane. He is not worth the effort you have put in and he's being abusive towards you. Counselling with abusers is not recommended. I'd encourage you to see a therapist on your own to help rebuild your sense of self worth. Once you do this you'll be ready to divorce him. He may then remember why he married you but honestly find someone better.

I do think you need to very calmly and rationally, in writing, text her yourself to say that her and her husband attempting to "diagnose" you with BPD behind your back is unethical, unpleasant, untrue and abusive. That you do not show symptoms of BPD, they do not have access to your medical history or the qualifications to do this. You have functioned for years in a highly qualified career, giving it up only to support your husband, you have raised the children pretty much independently in a foreign country while it suited your husband and you have maintained many stable long term interpersonal relationships in your life. I think you need to state that their motives appear highly questionable and your husband is violating the marriage by armchair diagnosing you with a friend, and she is violating her professional standards.

Outrageous that they're just continuing this, I think you need to be very clear in writing personally.

From what you've described in your subsequent posts, I'd be worried personally that they're now dissecting every time you are emotional (or not) as evidence of your "BPD".

I wouldn't be surprised if he and Jane spread a story that because of your mental health issues you weren't able to attend the wedding. You really don't know what was said.

@CFornot123 are you in regular contact with the old friends who attended the wedding. WhatsApp, phone calls, visits etc or has everyone gone very quiet.