AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

It is not smart to let racist Jane be one of your bridesmaids.

It's not only highly unusual, but extremely fortunate for the OP, that with 10 moves in 10 years there was a law firm willing to hire her in every place? Or, I guess, 9 moves in 8 years, as I gather she did not work while in California. I can't think of many (any) firms that would have that many offices to transfer between unless you were deliberately choosing locations where there were already offices, and even then, they wouldn't be remotely keen on that. At the very least most of those moves would have been international.

I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying

So did you quit your legal career to follow him around the world, or did you keep your career by transferring (or finding new jobs?) numerous times up to the point of the California move?

As a lawyer, who did quit my job following an international move with my family, I'm finding this a bit confusing. And if you throw in a couple maternity leaves, or just one, even more so.

"what is cutting her out going to achieve?"

I could think of a few things.

The DH doesn't want to cut her out so OP cutting her out isn't going to make any difference. Jane cut OP out years ago anyway.

Oh do wake up. I mean get the DH to cut her out. Its about time he got his priorities straight.

Wake up and write properly then.

I don't. But you need help with basic writing apparently.

He’s answered that question though. Clearly and frequently over years.

Repeating it twice doesn't make your attempt at insulting me any more dazzling darling.

She’s trying to end your marriage for whatever reason and it looks like she’s succeeding. I think your DH is too far gone - otherwise he’d have spent the day consoling and reassuring you instead of messaging her.

I think you need to cut him loose and rebuild your life without him.

Try waking up darling.

Oh and one last thing - this will soon all become about money for him. Get ready for a long fight if you want to get what you deserve - it will all become about him affording the lifestyle that he secretly wants - without being married to you and paying for the kids. If there’s only one thing you do today, it’s to move money out and into your own.

Regardless of whether he is having an affair with this woman, your 'D'H has betrayed you utterly, to the extent that it is not safe for you to depend on him for your future or that of your DC.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all, but if this situation continues it will make you ill. Please reach out to trusted family & friends for support, I think you will also need legal advice. I don't think you should consult your H to let him know you are seeking out support. He has already broken your trust by discussing you with 'racist Jane', so you should feel no obligation to let him know what you are thinking, planning or doing. I think you should amass any evidence that is helpful to you (financial records, evidence of racist Jane's misconduct and H's betrayal) before letting him know you are onto him.

You have already had lots of advice here.....I will not add to it any further as I don't want you to feel overwhelmed while you are going through this. But I will just say, please please prioritise your own long term interests now & do what you need to do to secure your future.

Reading through all your messages, i would honestly be thinking he was having an affair with this woman, and trying to gaslight you/pave the way into you later thinking it was all your fault. I was in a similar scenario years ago when i was dating someone like your dh and he was volunteering with a woman, they spent lots of time together (more than he did with me), lots of in-jokes with her, he laughingly denied they were a couple, they were just friends and she was about 10 years older thanhim, but told me laughingly that other people assumed they were a couple. After he finished with me (!!) telling me we had nothing in common after 2 years, low and behold i found out from a mutual friend immediately that she was pregnant and they were getting married. Believe me, trust your gut here, this man has zero respect for you, and she is loving this! Do you know her dh? Would she like it if you were to share such things with him about her? I would be done here, you are far too good for this.

I’ve read your updates. Please arrange some couple therapy. You might stay together, you might breakup, but either way you’ll probably co-parent better and understand each other better as a result

This is beyond couples therapy.

It wouldn’t surprise me if you weren’t invited to the mutual friend’s wedding because the whole group think you are separated / divorced.

Either that or your DH lied about you not being invited so he could have uninterrupted time with Jane. I’d be interested to know firstly if she’s still married and secondly what her husband thinks about her enmeshment with your DH (and was he at the wedding?).

Op, I admire your tenacity for tolerating this 'friendship' with another woman for so long. Jane has no right to interfere with your marriage & you have every right to be upset with the situation. All couples have their own boundaries There are some who feel free to have close friendships with the opposite sex under the umbrella of not being the controlling or jealous types also if there is no trust then there is no marriage. In my opinion it's nothing to do with any of those reasons and everything to do with respect & boundaries in which your DH is offering neither. I would go as far as to say if this was my situation & after everything you have shared it would be ultimatum time. The ultimatum would be either she goes or I go. There is no room for three in a marriage. I wish you all the best & hope your DH eventually gets the message. You deserve better.

Op, I admire your tenacity for tolerating this 'friendship' with another woman for so long.

Why would you admire OP who complains about Jane being racist then tries to be friends with her and she also chooses Jane as a bridesmaid at her own wedding?

More likely the friend told OP's DH that he'd have more fun if OP wasn't there, so he purposely hid the invite from her. He's completely in this woman's thrall.

OP I don't necessarily think your DH is having an affair with Jane but their friendship is is detrimental to your marriage.

Your DH values her opinion over yours, discusses important issues with her rather than with you and talks about you behind your back. It's incredibly disloyal and disrespectful. It's as if nothing in your marriage is private. It would also be a problem if Jane was a man and he was prioritising a male friendship.

This absolutely should be reported to the NMC. If it were as simple as people denying things and being let off the hook, investigations would never happen. If she’s comfortable doing this with the OP, you can almost guarantee she’s done it before.
OP needs to start gathering evidence of paper trails and documenting everything.

If I were you OP next time you’re away from him put all your feelings into a message or an email. List all the things you’re unhappy about in your marriage. Make sure you mention how she has crossed boundaries into your marriage, how you’re upset about all the times she has given him unsolicited and inaccurate advice regarding you having BPD when she doesn’t know you. List specific things she has said and when. His hot-headed arrogance will see it as you attacking her and will respond in her defence. Let his disloyalty to you provide you with the rope to hang her with. This way there is written evidence of you reporting her before her and your husband can collude and attempt to accuse you of having false mental health issues against you.

She did that because he's been depicting you as a bunny boiler, and him the poor downtrodden patsy you've lured into your evil snare.

She was still unprofessional to give a drive-through diagnosis on your mental health when she has barely communicated with you for 4 years and is only hearing a (very) one-sided version of events. But at least you know now how the lands lies. That's if you believe him when he describes how the conversation went, of course (I wouldn't).

You also weren't invited to a mutual friend's wedding so it's possible Jane isn't the person whose ear your husband has been bending.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you were invited to the wedding and he just said you weren’t