AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

You have three people in your marriage and you’re being phased out I fear. His dynamic with Jane is very unhealthy and his dismissal of it is what you need to listen to. He has chosen her over yourself at this point and you deserve much better. He has consistently dismissed you and your concerns and supported your friendship group to dismiss you. He isn’t on your team and he hasn’t got your back.

Woooooowwwzaaaaa!

Take some virtual hugs, take some virtual hugs.

This is really crazy and overwhelming.

Can you take a few days off home and go see your parents or friends? Spend some time with them, please choose those you can be vulnerable around, cry in their arms and be comforted.

From there, take a look at this thread once again, pick relevant advice and start acting from there.

You know where you stand in his life already.

Not at all, but you are very much in the minority here.

And I’m astounded you think the way the OP is being treated is ok!

Your suggestion of time apart seems to have gone over his head. Is that another example of him not hearing you?
I would ask him to leave and to have a good think about what he wants. He will go crying to her but should realise that his wife and children are far more important to him than his friendship with her. If he chooses her over his family then you are well rid.

‘You have reasons for that’ ?!?!?! @CFornot123 I’m furious on your behalf. If he genuinely has a reason for being emotionally distant he needs to tell you, not discuss it with someone else. Unless you’ve withheld some really significant information from what you’ve told us then there is no reason for this type behaviour. The only logical reason I can think of is that he’s hiding something from you that she knows about and you don’t. I’d be confronting him but possibly that’s not the best thing, I’m just so cross and outraged at how you’re being treated and how cavalier he’s being about keeping his marriage and family together by immediately going to talk to the person you told him you asked him not to discuss you with. It’s so disrespectful and shows he clearly didn’t listen to you at all.

Be careful with the mental health narrative. It would not be the first time a husband has tried to win custody by making out his wife/partner was “mad”. Might be worth a chat with your doctor saying your husbands friend has said you have bpd but you don’t think you do. However, you wanted a second opinion.

I just want to say about BPD: when I was with my ex, he convinced me I was mad and they mentioned BPD. I was having mood swings, being irrational etc. I fully believed him. It was only after I left and I spoke to a Councilor and they asked if the symptoms were still present (they weren’t), they said it sounds like I was just under a lot of stress due to the abuse . BPD doesn’t just stop when you get out of a situation.

People who went to Oxford or Cambridge

@SophiaRose91
Exactly what has been suggested here.
Firstly, your husband is the problem, he shouldn't really be discussing your personal health details with Jane, and he shouldn't be allowing Jane to make such remarks either.

Jane is meddling and being allowed to by your husband. Why is she interfering in your private matters. What a pathetic excuse from your husband for saying, he's doing it for you so that you can seek help.

If you need to seek help you have the correct channels to go and seek help from.

Your husband and Jane don't need to discuss you behind your back.

I would be very upset if I was not invited to a wedding and only my husband had been invited. You are couple so why on earth were you not invited as a couple?
If you were to question your husband about Jane, how would he respond, defensive or annoyed?
I think, like you mention, if your husband and Jane have a friendship then that friendship should steer away from discussing you. How come he has allowed Jane to have a discussion about you?
Why isn't he setting any boundaries?
I'm very sorry but unfortunately its just pathetic that your husband hasn't shown any loyalty towards you.
I wish you all the best, I have a feeling Jane's motives might be to come between you two and she maybe want to split you both up.

However, act wisely here.
I say this because I let my anger get the better of me in a similar situation and walked out of my marriage. My marriage had lots of other problems, my ex was the problem but I basically let the other party walk into my absent place.

Exactly my fear with the mental health narrative, OP shouldn't let it fly at all.

YOU. NEED. TO .SEE. A. LAWYER!

You're clearly a clever woman Op to have done what you have in the past but you have sacrificed too much for him and he in return has gaslit you, diminished all of your concerns and slagged you off to his friends.

Forget who TF his mate this she is, who the fuck does HE think he is?!!

He has ground you down to the point where you accept blatant disrespect and shunning from your own friend group and he STILL GOES to events you're not invited to?!

Fuck that and fuck him!

If you can afford to, I'd advise that you get that ADHD assessment privately as soon as you can, together with a general mental health screening because it REALLY sounds like he is trying to set you up, here.

Your life with him is not going to improve. You are not his priority.

Get. OUT!

@TwinklySquid
Yes this just reminds me about the abuse from my ex aswell.

You deserve more ❤️ Your partner should be your biggest cheer leader, he has totally betrayed you. I hope Jane gets her karma also.

She is coming between you and your marriage. Something is clearly amiss here. There are no boundaries in place between them. Where’s her partner?

Have you tried to ask him how he might feel if you were constantly talking about him and the intimate details of your relationship with your straight ‘best pal’ who was male who you had known for years?

Does he have an explanation as to why she hasn’t properly spoken to you in years and is downright rude but he seems to think that’s fine despite being your husband? How would he feel if that was the other way round and your male best pal ignored him?

Does he think this entitles her to make sweeping statements about you having serious mental health problems when she hardly knows you and is clearly going off whatever self centred bullshit he’s telling her?

I would be beyond furious. I’d want the answers to these questions and then I’d need time apart to properly evaluate your future.

Ask him if he thinks the NMC would be happy with his bestie, mental health nurse Jane diagnosing people she hasn't spoken to in 5 years with personality disorders? Or bringing them into disrepute with racist comments? I used to work in a mental health facility as a medical secretary and trust me, most of the mental health nurses, and psychologists were absolute fruit loops.
Sounds like Jane is a nasty, vindictive piece of work. She's also jealous of you. Tell your husband to pack his stuff and go stay with Jane. You'll never win. He's blind.

all she knows is what he’s told her @CFornot123 I’d be questioning him about this, he is out of order!

They really don’t give a stuff about you. You explained how you feel and they then discuss you with you in the car!!
Come on OP get serious about this - don’t explain anything anymore say it’s a simple choice Jane or you.
At least from his answer you will know where you stand.
How much more of this cr*p are you going to put if with??
It’s getting annoying now, you’ve had loads of advice, everyone is on your side and you’re still posting that they’re discussing you in your presence….. really??
How much worse does it need to get - you must be absolutely miserable and your daughter will pick up on this.

At the minimum this is incredibly disrespectful of you and his marriage vows. More likely this is an emotional affair.

OP. You need to pick your career up again and be thinking of an exit strategy. He does not have your back. This is not a partnership. You are setting yourself on fire for his dreams and his ambitions - but he is not even giving you basic courtesy.

It's absolutely not okay OP.

I’m trying to think of clever ways for you to ‘win’ (because she is clearly trying to break you and your husband) and cause him never to speak to her again.

But you know what, life’s too short. Tell him if he values Jane’s perspective over yours he can go live with her. Divorce him cooly, calmly, and with dignity.

She won’t leave her husband for him. He’ll be all on his own and realise how he’s fucked up. And then he’ll blame her. You’ll have disappeared into the sunset. You can do so So SO much better.

OP they are 100% having an affair. There is no way a woman not emotionally (and extremely likely sexually) involved with a man would speak like this. If he doesn’t cut off contact with her your marriage is over. It likely already is. Get your ducks in a row. I couldn’t forgive this behaviour. She’s a cunt.

Ooh I’m so angry on your behalf OP. Absolute disloyalty by your husband. I’d completely lose my shit with him. Sounds like you’re being far too reasonable.

I cannot believe he's been disloyal enough to discuss the conversation you had about your relationship with Jane. He's incapable of having a single thought without discussing it with her. He's an absolute shit.

Sorry to add my twopenny worth at this belated point but it seems clear to me that he is quite possibly fooking her whenever he can.
Whats so horrible is that theyve decided to take their guilt out on you by trying to claim you are the problem.
Lawyers deal with this better than doctors.

She is a CF but she isnt the problem..

Playing devil's advocate. Theyre just friends, you arent alleging an affair. She was never your friend, youre her mates wife. Its normal she would take his side.. but hes the one bringing her into the argument he picked... and for her to get to an armchair diagnosis of BPD whats he TOLD her about you?!?

Hes the one you have a bigger problem with