AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

It's a bad situation, I think this woman has secretly wanted your husband since time without beginning, for some reasons she didn't have him but she's definitely present to keep a strong hold on him. She is a manipulator with malignant intentions, all that she wants is to demolish your image to the point that he will think you are garbage and definitely choose someone that Jane will choose for him. It happens often with mother in laws when they don't accept losing control of a grown up person. This lady is controlling and evil, but unfortunately as others said he's the one who is responsible for allowing all of this disrespect for you.

When I read he went to a wedding where you are not invited I asked myself "who will ever choose to invite a friend but not her wife? What husband would accept to go?" A loyal loving husband would consider this invitation offensive and break with friends like these". Just this is not normal as a first impression.

But no, he doesn't. Somehow he needs a "friend" as an antagonist to his wife, his gain being feeling reassured by putting another woman as a competitor and both fighting for his attention.

I sincerely spot some personality disorders here, unfortunately you're not the one in question, but your husband is, and her friend too.

If you look at your past history he's done nothing but destroying your achievements, he must be deeply envious of you and your capacity.

I'm sorry to say this, I'd never dare putting my opinion in between a couple. But I think he's crossing the line with his behaviour and deeply trying to destroy you. I think he's jealous of you, and the dynamics with this friend is a great help to him.

Read something about narcissistic partners, they have always some so called "flying monkeys "as opponents to their victim, in order to keep full control on you and feel safe from his deep sense of inferiority.

I think you deserve someone who is proud of you , such a husband would cut contacts with a friend who is trying to undermine your role in the couple.

I'd speak to a counsellor expert in narcissism to better understand the dynamics.

I talk from experience, born and grown up in a narcissistic family. I really admire your sanity, recognizing it's all wrong and unreasonable is the first step to identify your options to safeguard yourself.

Open your eyes, something insane is going on here.

Who describes their degree as being ‘Oxbridge’? Is this real?

I ended a 12 year relationship for this very reason. I too was aghast!

People who want to be a little vague

not saying it’s true mind 🤷‍♀️

Jane is jealous of you. That much is clear. Your DH has let you down badly by confiding in the wrong person and not seeing how manipulative she is. Then to come back and tell you all about how Jane thinks you have BPD is so insulting.

You clearly have a lot to think about, including whether you want to remain in your marriage. But you sound like a bright woman and you’re still so young, you can easily start again if you need to.

I hate bitchy, jealous women. There’s just no need.

It's disgusting that your husband is still giving her the time of day 😔

@CFornot123 when I’ve read the last couple of post it sounds like he’s deflecting away from your concerns and making it about him. Gaslighting even. (I don’t really like that term but I think it fits here).

what has he said about what Jane said about diagnosis?!

Read something about narcissistic partners, they have always some so called "flying monkeys "as opponents to their victim, in order to keep full control on you and feel safe from his deep sense of inferiority

Actually this is a very good point. My ex used to do this. He’d say I was speaking <mutual friend> and they think you have issues and you need to get counselling (for example) I later found out that he would twist stories and add details that never happened when speaking to them. ‘Mutual friend’ saw through him in the end and they no longer speak after my ex tried to use the same tactics on them.

Yes, it's real and common parlance.

I read Mumsnet virtually every day but I don’t think I’ve ever read a post before that has incensed me so much. He meets her for dinner etc and goes to events with her where you’re not invited! How would he feel if it were you constantly meeting up with amother man?!

In order to address your 'sudden personality disorder' I would suggest you find the cheapest easyJet deal, very early flight out, very late flight home, (Amsterdam, Barcelona etc) leaving as soon as possible for at least two nights. It doesn't matter how hard he works, how much money he makes if he isn't fully invested in you and your children. Make it clear now that you can and will survive on your own.

It’s just so, so dysfunctional, OP! He undermines you, minimises your feelings, makes you feel bad about yourself and puts his (frankly, fucking weird) ‘friendship’ with Jane above your marriage in his priorities list. I can’t believe you have put up with it for so long (and given up your career to become a trailing spouse to a man who thinks so very little of you and doesn’t seem to care what you think or how you feel at all).

Jane sounds like an intolerable, racist bitch. I would’ve set her straight in no uncertain terms years ago.

But it’s your husband that’s the real problem here. He sounds absolutely awful, uncaring and disloyal.

It’s common parlance yes - but when you actually have a degree from Oxford or Cambs surely you just say that.

Don't think Jane is the only one meddling your husband has no respect for you or your marriag There is no way I'd be going to a wedding without my hubby especially one where we all know each other. Are you 100%sure your not invited? Or is it your manipulative husband telling you your not invited? Not sticking up for Jane but maybe Hhas said something to break your friendship up with Jane. Maybe he was jealous that you two were getting long esp6with having daughters the sametime. Something very wrong here.

Wow you have a husband issue . I would put my ducks in a row as that smells like m optional affair . If you can play your husband game and find a couples theraphy someone who will tell him his bff is out of order and he should know ho go out his wife first

I've read most, tho' not all, of the thread and all of your responses. My initial reaction was, as 'someone' before has said: "There are three of us in this marriage ....". And I think that's what you've got here.
As many others have said, seems like DH hasn't taken you seriously throughout your relationship/marriage. He's taken a superior position (maybe due to age difference) and you have supported him.
But/And he's also in thrall to "Jane" who, according to your reportage, is a racist and uses the "N word", excusing herself by saying "inverted commas".
To me it sounds like DH has been allowing Jane to diss and gaslight you from the off. Seems quite clear that DH is colluding with this.

Otherwise, he'd call it out. But he doesnt, does he? He doesn't stand by you.
You cannot continue to let this stand. DH has to make a choice - if you have the grace to allow him that. It's you, your marriage and the DC or its Jane.
You'll probalby need to get a v.g. couples therapist to work through this.
Which will be to give him a last chance. If he has the sense to take it.
Otherwise, you are a bright, smart, compassionate, empathetic woman in posession of highly respected qualifications.
It's properly time to envisage a different life for yourself.
Because unless he is willing to "straighten up and fly right", I really think you will have a much better life without him.
Good luck, OP. You deserve better than this prannet.

This nails it.
whilst Jane is deeply unpleasant and completely unprofessional the problem lies with your husband. You both have enough evidence of her malfeasance to cut her out of both your lives.

Abso-bloody-lutely….. how dare he speak about you at length to Jane….the cheeky, disloyal bastard …..and she can fuck off , shit stirrer extraordinaire !!!

Update - he’s spent all day messaging her. I kept seeing her name pop up on his phone (he was driving and his phone was connected to the car). So clearly what I said about their relationship hasn’t sunk in and no doubt they’ve spent all day talking about me

Are you able to clarify how your finances work and why you needed him to take the dog to the vet?

I happened to see a couple of the messages before he turned his screen off - he told her I’d said he was dismissive of me and her reply was “but you have reasons for that”. In what world is it ok for a husband to dismiss his wife and a person not involved in the marriage to tell him he justified in doing so “because he has reasons”.

You deserve more/better.

1. He clearly sees and treats you like a charity project. Cus what does he mean he's doing it all for you and the kids? You shelved your career to give him stability in his own career, the least he could do is what he's doing, yes, be appreciative of his efforts, but don't let him push the narrative of him suffering while you're enjoying. No! He's having a time of his life by doing what he enjoys, building credibility in his career, increased earning potentials, regular child free moments while you bear the mental, emotional, physical, psychological burden of providing the stability.
2. He doesn't see you as a wife, not a partner, just an intelligent maid, house manager & nanny.
3. And the lowest anyone can go is to pull the mental health card on anyone, especially a spouse.

OP, do not let this slide, fight it with everything in you, DO NOT ACCEPT THE NARRATIVE OR LET IT FLY, but fight it intelligently, I'll be looking at reporting the OW at her work place, be in control of your emotions around your husband, keep your medical reports confidential for now. If possible, talk to a marriage attorney or whatever and have this noted and dated asap, if you let their narrative fly, it will do more damage to you beyond marriage, it will affect your relationships, work, children. So quench it asap.

1. I hope you have been saving or investing, if your last job was 2024, you can still easily find something, because even if the marriage survives, you still need your own career, he has shown you he's not worthy of the sacrifice you've been putting in. Some men are truly worthy of this level of sacrifice, sadly yours is not one of them. Leaving you in the US to come and discuss his career options with her for 10 days tells you how he sees you, he doesn't think you're smart/useful enough for such conversations.
2. Get your sexual health screenings done ASAP. Yes, he and Jane are deeply in love/lsst with each other, and he probably have other women too.

God will be with you.

This is so unacceptable OP. At best it’s a total betrayal of marital privacy and at worst it’s an affair (even if just emotional). Do you have the resources to leave him? I worry you’re financially trapped. Living separately might be the wake up call he (or even you — to see what you deserve) actually needs. Please keep us updated.

Where does she work as a nurse? I'd call them up and say that despite not seeing nurse for a discussion or diagnosis, you had been diagnosed with X, Y, Z conditions by her and want to discuss next steps of your treatment with a doctor in charge... 😄