AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

I shouldn't get worked up? My main observation here is the hundreds of raging people vilifying two people!

Hey mental health worker here. 1. As a nurse, I doubt Jane is qualified to make a dx. At least not here in the States. 2. It is unethicalUNETHICAL-for Jane to make a dx even if she is trained to do so because she hasn't examined you AND she cant examine you because it is additionally unethical to have such a dual relationship.

I'm tempted here to say husband needs to choose Jane or you, but that is WAYYYY too sim0listic of me. You both need to go into marriage counseling, but I'd really reconsider whether there's room for 3 in this marriage.

I'm fcking furious on your behalf. She's not behaving in a professional manner...maybe something your board of counselling/nursing should know about?

"That would be a win in your eyes for the DH"

Look at you! Attributing to me anything you can invent to complain about me making up a narrative.

He is a complete idiot. Tell him so and tell him never to discuss you with any of his friends. She can stuff her diagnosis! Don't waste any more of your precious time worrying about them and stop placating him. You have your own life to live. If you want to retaliate give him a book about narcissistic disorder to pass onto her for her Bedtime Reading and enlightenment!

So when you show your emotions he says you are "over dramatic" and when you try to discuss things calmly he says you are "cold and unemotional".

Oh and if you don't like how he or Jane are treating you then you must have a mental health condition.

Can't win really!

I'm commenting exactly the same way as you are commenting.

I'm making observations exactly the way you are.

You are making it clear that only one perspective is acceptable. That's my actual point, sheep.

Hi OP! 👋

I haven't RTFT, just your replies and I must say none of this sounds good.
Your replies of how your husband treats you and dismisses you have made my blood boil tbh!!! 😠 😡 😤
⚠️ warning, this is a very very long post ⚠️

A few questions, before we address the facts:
You met at 18, he was 25 in University.
Was he your first serious boyfriend?
Did you move closer to your family, his family or both?
Does he not have a mother or sister to confide in?
As you were always younger than him, he may think the way he is treating you is normal, and I'm telling you IT'S NOT NORMAL.
You have been the giver, and he the taker.

Lets put aside the racist (female) best mate who seems to be his cheerleader and meddles in his affairs (possibly having an emotional affair here).

Let's get the proper facts in order:
Your 31. He's 38.
Been together 13 years.
You met in uni at 18, he was a mature student at 25.
You did a 3 year course?
You qualified (in Legal subject) at 21.
Then spent the next 10 years afterwards traipsing around the world with him for his career and not really seeing him as much as he worked long hours etc. That about right? 🤔

So let's get the red flags in a row, based on what you have written here. 🚩🚩🚩

So 5 years ago she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. She (Jane) is HIS pal, but He SHOULD have put YOU first and not tolerated this behaviour from her towards his wife. This is a red flag. 🚩

I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”. He dismissed your concerns and made excuses for his mates crappy behaviour. Another red flag. 🚩

But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls. Does HE put this much effort in for YOU and YOUR marriage? Or does he conveniently work long hours, so chooses to unwind and make more of an effort with his (female) pal? Red flag 🚩

I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years). You physically moved yourself and your children for HIM and HIS CAREER and HE quite happily LET YOU and your family do this sacrifice, as it was all about him. Red flag 🚩

He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him. You put up a BOUNDARY for you and you children and stopped physically moving everything around for him. This will be a massive factor later on. 👍

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t). He physically went without you and left you and your children, while he had fun with a pal. Were they each other's +1, or did Jane's partner attend as well? This is a red flag. 🚩

He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” He DISCUSSED you, instead of having a discussion WITH you. This is a massive red flag. 🚩

and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. HE and another woman DECIDED a decision about YOUR marriage. You didn't get a say in this, just HIS AND HER JOINT final opinion. This is also a massive red flag. 🚩

SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years. YOUR HUSBAND has been TALKING ABOUT YOU to someone else for 13 whole years (YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP) and thinks that is absolutely fine? Wow red flag 🚩

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it. And I have NO doubt, he will read it. This would be the final nail in the coffin for my marriage for me. Absolutely awful. 🚩 ⚰️

Every other person from the university friendship group was invited apart from me. Is that a fact? Did you see the invite? If not, then why not? Your husband should have stepped up here. 🚩 ❓️

I think he’s told me because he genuinely believes her and thinks by discussing it with me I’ll seek help and he’s doing it for me? Bollocks. He liked your old life of YOU traipsing around the world after him and now you are seeing the real him at home, full time, in full 4D iMax and he is a gas lighter. 🚩
After attempting to meet up with her 4/5 times where she cancelled the same day I decided to leave the ball in her court. My husband would never allow one of his pals to treat me this way. He should have nipped it in the bud, got a clear answer or backed you up. None of this weird flaky/ghosting crap. 🚩

H and I have a history of him not taking what I say seriously, accusing me of being over dramatic, or dismissing my interests. So he dismissed your opinion and does not value your input. I understand that you are younger than him, but was he always this way? This is not an equal partnership. 🚩 😬

Recently our dog was attacked and H refused to take him to the vets because I was over exaggerating and it took for our poor boy to be having a fit on the floor and for me to call another family member and have them speak to him (someone he respects) before he agreed to take him. So he doesn't respect you enough to listen to you? Even when it comes to your family pet being in pain? Wow. 🚩 🐕

actually I never saw the wedding invite. I just got told one day in November that “he’d been invited to the wedding and the invite was addressed just to him” so I wasn’t invited. Sounds dodgy and secretive. 🚩

I questioned him on his relationship with Jane (based on an incident last year where he lost his job in California, took the next flight out to the UK and spent 10 days in the UK, meeting with her to discuss his prospects and options, leaving me and my two children in the US alone with no answers). He abandoned you and your children in another country to go and spend days with someone else on the other side of the world, with no answers? Wow. 🚩✈️

“he could see where I was coming from but there was nothing going on between them and he will always love Jane as his best friend and perhaps I needed therapy to explore why I was clearly jealous of her” So you need to either ho get therapy if you object to this woman, or else put up and shut up? Is there no third option where he ACTUALLY PUTS YOU FIRST? 🚩

Tbf I did flourish in this environment (interestingly he was working insane hours so we rarely saw him). It’s since moving back where he WFH with new job so we can live closer to family and I see him every day that the cracks have appeared a little deeper. Again this sounds like he liked your old life of YOU traipsing around the world after him and barely seeing him. But now you are seeing the REAL HIM at home, full time, in full 4D iMax and he is a selfish shit. 🚩 💩

He said I was coming across as cold and unemotional. As opposed to your usual 'dramatic self' OP? You cannot win here with DH. 🚩
He also said he felt broken because everything he does is for me and our children and it sounds like I have a lot of built up resentment towards him when he’s been trying his best. Sounds like projection to me. He sounds resentful as now he cannot swan off for his job anymore and cannot portray the high-flyer status that he used to have. 🚩
He said he never takes any time for himself (which is true) and feels guilty when he does because his life is work, plus me and the girls. The cheeky bastard managed to find 10 WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT YOU, while he flitted off to the UK, leaving you and your girls. 🚩
He regularly stays in London with his friend (male this time) who meets him after work and they go out for drinks. But again, this isn’t time for himself. Ah so it's all 'work' then, not unwinding and having drinks and fun after work. Got it. 🚩
I recognized he wasn’t happy/not taking time for himself so I moved my gym sessions from 6am (I used to get up at 5am to go to the gym before he went to work) to allow him to go. Wow you not only moved around the world to suit his job, but you are changing your entire day to accommodate him and he doesn't appreciate it? 🚩
and I physically booked and put the times in his calendar for his PT sessions to ensure he’d go. But apparently that’s just normal. Do you wipe his arse after the toilet as well? Jeez this man is beyond entitled and unappreciative. 🚩

BLOODY HELL 🤢
I'm sorry OP but the problem isn't a Jane problem, or even a THEM problem.
YOU HAVE A HUSBAND PROBLEM. 💯

There are more red flags in this relationship, than a communist parade in Moscow! 🚩🚩🚩

It sounds likes he either like the attention and enabling behaviour from Jane - at best.
Or he is having an emotional affair- at worst.
Or even worse... a full blown affair. 😕

Your discomfort in his relationship with Jane is completely valid, as he is receiving ego boosts outside the marriage that rightfully belong within it.

I don't know if I could stay in a marriage like this. He is a selfish little shit, who is taking the piss and is twisting everything to make you out to be the bad guy.

Going forward I would:

• Avoid any direct confrontation with Jane as this will make you appear 'jealous of her'.
• Assign responsibility of Jane to your husband, as he must set and enforce appropriate boundaries with Jane.
• Express your feelings using I statements.
• Set Clear Boundaries: (Limit the amount of texting, phone calls, or one-on-one hangouts that take away from your time together). * Enforce privacy and ensure no topics (especially intimate marital or emotional issues) are exclusively reserved for her. *Halt public behaviors - like prioritizing her needs over yours in social settings.

Furthermore:

• If your husband is dismissive or defensive of his friendship, it points to a deeper issue in the relationship 🚩 * Focus on your own needs: whether that is rebuilding the connection with your husband and clearly state what you need to feel valued and loved, or walking away.
• If he refuses to acknowledge or correct the behavior, tell him he can either seek professional help (therapy and or marriage counselling) or you will leave.

@CFornot123 I hope you are okay. You deserve better than this. 💐

Again, that is just a take that you have made up and you are asking us to defend a straw man.

A less inflammatory way to describe the situation might be that instead of taking a few days to sit with his wife and discuss their future (and whether it would continue to be in the US or in the UK), he immediately took off to the UK where he began discussing these important matters with an old friend first (quite possibly among doing other things and talking to other people). The point from the OP’s perspective is that she wasn’t prioritised at all in that situation, when a wife might quite reasonably expect to be.

You’vr dramatized this into a version where the OP is vilifying innocents. If you read the OP’s posts, you have to start stretching credibility quite a lot to put OP in the villain role, or making up versions that aren’t on the page.

I’d say goodbye to the pair of them, he’s not your husband his Jane’s puppet
escape asap…

"(quite possibly among doing other things and talking to other people)"

Aka trying to find a job. Comedy gold.

I have one question and one muse and one minor scold:

What does it say about your husband that he would be in a friendship with a woman like her?

I’m in California - it’s a shame we couldn’t have had a friendship while you were here. I bet we would’ve gotten along like gangbusters and firecrackers.

Remember that you are smart and strong and that nobody can gaslight you into believing you’re crazy. Stay the smart and beautiful way you’ve always been and never let anyone talk you into believing that you’re anything less than what you are.
I’m sending you love from faraway ❤️

You are massively missing the point. Yes, he was looking for a job too, but what the OP objects to is that he was discussing all this with Jane before discussing it with her. She was, as she said, left in the dark.

There's a good chance Jane said nothing at all about BPD. It could all be coming from the husband who's pretending Jane's 'expertise' suggested it. He's made sure Jane has no direct contact with the OP anymore. I wonder what gems he dropped to Jane to make that happen?

She has made her ‘diagnosis’ based on what she has been told. Perception is reality! Your husband hasn’t been very loyal. Walk away!
He has continuously proved to you that he doesn’t choose you.
No wonder you’re upset. it’s a horrible situation.

I would be so furious at their patronising attitude and would never put up with more of it from him. He' tried to make out you have some mental health problem when most wives would have shown him the door. Let him run to mummy Jane while you get on with your own life. Idiot.

As a mature older lady,
your husband is having an affair with her, I’ve seen this behaviour many times over the years and the truth always comes out in the end. I really do hope that I am wrong .

I absolutely love this idea.
And @CFornot123 on the title page, make sure to write ”Love and kisses, Linda” (or whatever your real first name is).
Alas, it’s doubtful your husband would ever deliver it, so wrap it in beautiful wrapping paper and then either mail it or have it delivered to her!
But be forewarned - it’ll be a declaration of war.
And we here are your army.

She said "with no answers".

She picked the words she wanted to use. So much manipulation here.

Anyway I'm sure the witch hunt will burn through the night, adorned with red flags.

Just an extra bit from my experience with ex
I know that he lied to a couple sellor he went to see and fr.those lies he reported back to me. That counsellor said I was basically horrible,.selfish, whatever, had he told the truth , well I guess a counsellor can't tell their client that they are horrible but they would have had a very different view of what really happened. I know he did similar with someone we knew who has a background as a psychologist, who reported to him apparently how selfish I am.
I know he lied about what the doc said to him one time when he went with his mental.health.
Towards the end he sought out people to talk ro, to reassure himself.that he was wholly right and I was wholly wrong, only my supposed wrongs. Never his actual behaviour, which honestly was spiralling out of control .
I agree that he shouldn't be spending all this time with Jane, he is almost certainly having some sort.of affair with her

She is not your concern - he is.
I would ask him how he finds it ok to be discussing you and intimate details of your personality and marriage with another woman?
You are an Oxbridge lawyer - you know how to ask questions.
The important thing here is to get to the bottom of what he is feeling about communication in your marriage. If he doesn’t see it as mighty inappropriate to be communicating with her and not you, it is he who has problem, not you.
Does he also not see how she is undermining you here by taking on the role of his emotional confidant? Doesn’t it concern him that he talks to her not you?

There’s a lot to unpack but how on earth did it come to him unpacking it with her and not you?

I’m not sure what you mean by that but it seems like you are reading waaay beyond what the OP has actually written to make it mean something obscurely sinister.

I’m starting to think there may be good grounding for people in your life to have found you difficult.

so now I’m confused because I explained to him he’d broken my trust in talking to Jane and I needed some time away from him to figure out if that trust could be rebuilt.

This is all wrong @CFornot123 .
HE has broken your trust by discussing your personal business in detail with a third party and then repeating her very unprofessional and unwarranted "diagnosis" to you instead of telling her to butt out. And now HE needs to work out how HE can regain YOUR trust.

Having read all your posts @CFornot123 I agree with other posters that your husband's behaviour towards you is not right and is not normal. He's treating you like a subordinate or a child, not a partner.

Only you can work out what you are willing to do about it.

The first thing your husband needs to do is step away from his too close relationship with Jane. She knows way too much about your marriage and is too influential. Neither of you married her: you married each other. I know your husband will think you’re being unreasonable if you ask him to do this. But if you both want your marriage, you have to clear space and focus on each other. If you do have mental health challenges, a diagnosis by a person who never sees you, is not qualified to diagnose and has someone else’s best interests at heart, is not appropriate.

Good grief! You are angry with the wrong person. I would be absolutely LIVID if my husband was discussing me with someone else in that way. I'd also be furious that he chooses to spend so much of his limited free time with them instead of you. I think he lies to you (the wedding invitation) and gaslights you too. It is intolerable to carry on like this - what a waste of your life! Do you love him? He doesn't love you. If you really want to stay married (why, though??) then I would be insisting on marriage counselling and if refuses then I would lawyer up and divorce him. Life is too short to spend it shackled to someone who has zero respect or care for you.

You are hideous.