AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

@Lemonraider
Jane, is that you?

He's rich you mean? That's even more of a reason to get a divorce IMO.

Oh lord this is alot. The key thing is you need to set some boundaries with your husband. You already have set one which is no more following him for his career. Now you need to set more. And sorry but this wedding you are not invited to is suspect.

Good grief. You're only 31. There's plenty of time to start again with a man who actually likes you.

Your husband sounds horrible. He seems to have no respect for you or your opinions and is very happy to gaslight you into believing you are alternatively cold and unemotional, jealous or over reacting to to things like your dog needing veterinary treatment. In fact he was so desperate to prove how over emotional you were that he was willing to let your family pet suffer and potentially die just to prove a point, i.e. that he is always right and you are always wrong. Would he do the same thing if your child was ill, just because your opinion was of so little value to him?

I would have been incandescent with fury after his "meeting" with you - at the total betrayal of him discussing you and your perceived illness with Jane who sounds deranged frankly. How you could have any respect for a man who accepts a diagnosis from a nurse who hasn't even seen you for several years is a mystery. She obviously has delusions of grandeur far above her skill set.

In your shoes I would pack him a suitcase (as I'm guessing he is incapable of doing that for himself) and tell him you need time apart, in separate houses, for you to consider your future. Then look at getting childcare like a nanny and start reclaiming your career, because it's your time now. Don't make anymore sacrifices for him, he forgets to eat, his problem, he wants to go to the gym, he organises that for himself. Reclaim your gym visits, look at career options, go out with friends, do things for you and start thinking about how your life would be sans the horrid husband.

part of me would say lets go to counselling and sit infront of the councillor and say ‘my husband and his best mate who’s female think I have a personality disorder’ and see how that goes down!

She didn't say that at all. You are again rewriting the post. Why is that?

"Turns out he had a huge bite wound" So this is after the vet visit. No mention of her seeing a huge bite wound and her setting off to take her bitten dog to the vet. Just how the husband won't take the dog, whose "huge" bite wound she hasn't noticed either.

I think your husband is blinded by his loyalty to Jane and is putting her first. I also think you have kind of let him get away with it & should probably have cracked down on it early. Too late now really! It sounds like you have communication problems which will be difficult to resolve on your own as he doesn’t listen to you or respect your opinion. If you do want to save this marriage then I think relationship counselling is the only way forward…a third party mediator might make him see how his relationship with Jane crosses boundaries. I wouldn’t count on it though! At least you have plenty of personal resources to fall back on if you do split up. Good luck OP.

She only did that in the last two years after being together since university so please stop acting like money is the only thing she cares about.

OMG he's gaslighting you! His behavior isn't normal or acceptable. He clearly doesn't respect you at all (based on what you wrote about the dog). But if you say any of these things to him, he'll say you're hysterical and shouldn't be taking advice from strangers on the Internet. So what can you do?

I am getting v bad vibes re your husband. So, he’s best friends with a racist? That’s just the first of many red flags here.

The information you shared re the episode involving your dog also makes me think he is cruel, dismissive and arrogant.

And the fact that he thought his dipstick friend could diagnose you with a mental health condition tells me he is stupid and worryingly controlling.

What a lovely combo.

YUCK.

It's funny isn't it. When you have seen this manipulation in real life you are not as willing to join in the "burn the witch" and "destroy the husband", but people who are in full flow really don't want anyone to interfere with them enjoying their sanctimonious anger.

Your husband sounds abusive. In your position I would be spending a year gathering evidence then taking him for everything he's got. Might aswell be doing what he's going to start accusing you of anyway and get something from this awful relationship

Red flags from the very start where he allows a friend to use racist language around you. Out of order.
and this recent fiasco, looking like an emotional affair or an attempt from her to drive doubt into his mind. It is a DH problem.

I have read and caught up with all of your posts. I am starting to think some of this is classic married couple with young children not seeing or appreciating each other. But on the other hand your husband dismisses you alot and that is not good. Couples therapy could help you sort this. I wonder if Jane being a female is like his therapist but is obviously biased against you. So maybe a impartial couples therapist could help. Strangely from what you have said I don't think anything physical has happened between them but he has crossed a boundary by discussing you in so much depth and diagnosing you. And again the wedding invite is suspicious. Jane sounds toxic.

I don't know if you are willing to follow my advice. I am concerned about the fact that you weren't invited to the wedding. It must have been extremely hurtful and no doubt you were too embarrassed to look into it further. However, I would pluck up your courage and contact the bride. Explain exactly what has happened and ask for her observations. Too be pointedly not invited sounds bizarre. 1. Did the bride see your Husband and this woman as a couple? Did they say you wouldn't like to come? Are either, or both of them, saying things about your character behind your back? (Oh, she doesn't like social events or she drinks and behaves badly at functions. She (you) is jealous of this friend so can't therefore be invited. You have bad-mouthed the bride.) Or simply you can't attend due to childcare responsibilities. Some impartial insight would be helpful. Do you have any friends, siblings that can spread some light on this?

She made it sound like he didn’t give her a choice

Love this, you could even add “I wonder what her professional body would think of her actions?”

I’m basing it on your responses here and your opinions stated here. And yes, I am judging you. If you don’t like it, then maybe social media isn’t the place for you.

You didn’t “point out the rewrite”, you created a different narrative based largely, it seems, on projecting your own experience onto the OP. That doesn’t automatically make you right and everyone else fooled.

In regard to the dog, if it’s a breed with a fair bit of hair, a bite wound could be quite easy to miss. The point is that the OP wanted to take the dog to the vet and the husband refused, suggesting there might be financial control issues at play.

@Lemonraider

you seem to be taking this all very personally.

moat threads are written from one perspective and that’s what people respond to. if the OP is lying or exaggerating does it actually matter? What’s the worse that can happen - the OP asks for a divorce? That would be a win in your eyes for the DH

You are making huge leaps based on your personal experience and you’ve decided the OP is just like your accusers but you are accusing people of twisting the OPs words to suit the narrative - you are doing the same

We don’t know if the OP is being abused or if she has BPD or if her DH is trying his best or if any of this is actually true- it’s ultimately words on a screen and not worth getting so worked up about

You do realise moving house doesn’t have to be a different country or county each time right? She could have moved say from a flat, to a house, to a bigger house within the same town quite easily over the course of a few years while having a career at the same location that is in commuting distance of all her houses…

However, I would pluck up your courage and contact the bride. Explain exactly what has happened and ask for her observations. Too be pointedly not invited sounds bizarre. would get the OP nowhere. The friendship group would have closed ranks.

So you do believe that he decides to spend 10 days in Britain with the sole purpose of discussing his prospects and options with a mental health nurse? A mental health nurse is where corporate men usually go to find a new job to support their family when they are motivated to make sure they are financially secure!

There's a comma in the sentence written by OP. Two different clauses separated by a comma.

I've worked in HR for 30 years, I'm expected to find out both sides. This is why people hate HR too though isn't it? We don't unquestioningly believe the dramatic version presented first.

Anyway, you are all enjoying hating them both and I'm sure OP is now feeling vindicated after reading all the hatred and accusations.

@CFornot123 I gasped reading this. Jane is completely insidious. As others have said, she is in no way qualified to make a diagnosis. My sister has borderline personality disorder. She’s not functional and visibly looks unwell. It’s quite a diagnosis. Addiction issues. Uncontrollable explosive anger. You can’t sustain long term relationships. Delusions. Ironically in your DH describing you as “cold and unemotional” that’s about as far from BPD as it comes.

It sounds like you handled the conversation with your DH perfectly and it gives me hope you may be able to get through to him. He didn’t completely shut down on you. I would suggest marriage counselling rather than working on yourselves separately, whilst he passes Jane’s unqualified third hand marriage advice back to you as authority (!). Look into Jungian therapists - my friend’s marriage came back from the brink with this and they are both a lot happier. Jungian look beyond just communication and what might be driving behaviours based on your past etc. They certainly will get into Jane also and I can’t imagine that friendship will survive the sessions. They will also make short shrift of any notion you have BPD. I think just tabling the fact she even said it will tell them all they need to know.

My concern is that if you spend time apart you’re likely to drift further and Jane will get her claws in further. It seems like she’s been gunning for this for awhile

What a vile individual. It gives me the creeps she’s a mental health nurse behaving like this

Good luck xxx