AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Yes put it all on Jane. He is so innocent and fault free 🙄

I’d focus on getting a job and back into the workforce. Don’t make yourself more vulnerable by being dependent on him.

Something here is very off - it’s v unusual not to be invited to a wedding as a spouse, especially if friends back at uni, and I’d also question how often your DH and Jane are hanging out with that whole hang as a pseudo couple.

This trial separation sounds bad news and I’d stop feeling sorry for your DH with his “no time for himself”, ignore Jane entirely and get your ducks in a row.

Since you’re looking for a career which you can pursue alongside children, may I suggest divorce law? It can be part time, you can do it for many years post retirement age, and it’s well remunerated per hour so you’d be able to support your girls if it came to it.

That might be enough to get rid of Jane (whether or not she goes off with your husband).

Your husband's got a cheek how can he say you don't have his back when you've moved 10 times in as many years following his fucking career all whilst giving up your own. You have raised his kids and uprooted them all for him and he goes and discusses you with his friend behind your back nodding and agreeing with her like you're some kind of nutter. He sounds more problematic than his obsessed friend. Sounds like they deserve each other

I don't think joint counseling is a good idea. I see elements of abuse here and joint therapy or marriage counseling is NOT recommended with abuse involved.

He's gaslighting her like crazy and trying to tell her she's got a personality disorder. He will use anything she says in therapy against her and tell it to racist Jane. That will make her situation worse.

I think you both disagree about reality. None of this whole long saga is at all usual. Particularly not inviting you to a mutual friends wedding when you're his wife. That is just bizarre. Personally I'd stop all the random feedback loops, call it a day and try to manage separation as amicably as possible.

Do you have anything written where he says racist Jane has diagnosed you with a PD?

Woah. Just read all your posts. Your H sounds like a self-involved man baby who always makes himself the priority without a second thought for the impact on you or his children. Jane is part of that. She probably holds a huge mirror up to ego all the time, giving him a massive positive association with her.

Jane sounds obsessed and manipulative. Planting highly damaging seeds of doubt about your mental health is an unforgivable thing to do. That your H ate up every word is even worse. I’d exit the pair of them.

And any appropriately qualified clinician would manage this situation with appropriate safeguarding.

It will be useful if the OP has anything like this - or any email exchanges with Jane herself where she has discussed her 'diagnosis' with the OP's H. Otherwise we just know that if the OP should choose to report the unprofessional conduct Jane will deny it all and disloyal H will back her up.

I think it is OK to ask who has accessed her medical records though? So in case Jane has accessed them there would be a log of that.

Oh fuck. You need to ditch your DH. My ex used to be like that, he would push back, treating my opinions with disrespect. I expect you have already stayed long enough to harm your confidence. Get out before it gets worse. Although I suggest biding your time - get a career path back before leaving.

Emotional affair
He decidedly does NOT have your back
Betrayal of trust talking about your marriage
They want you to lose it completely so they can say you have BPD, are neurotic, jealous etc
I rarely say LTB but on this occasion, I gently suggest partner therapy/marriage guidance or make the separation permanent
You can do better
You deserve better
Do not do the pick me dance with this twat chap

I couldn’t put up with this, sorry no guy is worth this torment. If he wants Jane, go be with her. Best friends…..more like emotional affair, bollocks they haven’t shagged!

I'm going to disagree. It is not the recommended course where I'm at. The potential for harm is high and the clinicians here would refer them to individual therapy if they thought abuse was involved. Fake diagnoses and massive gaslighting pretty much preclude any kinds of joint counseling.

There's no way to establish a therapeutic relationship when the info that OP gives in a supposed safe space she knows would be fed directly to a biased 3rd party who has overstepped professional and ethical standards. Her husband is not a reliable party here.

You deserve so much more. Divorce, start again and live a wonderful life without him. What a bellend.

I’ve read all of OP’s posts and gaslighting comes into my mind too. He responds to most of her points in a martyrish way. He needs to stop focussing on what Jane says.

So ,I'm married 30 plus years ..and we do not have opposite sex friendships.
No chance is my DH having lunch or coffee with any female other than me .
And same applies to me
It just doesn't work
So op do you have male friends you meet alone for coffee and lunch ..??
Because when I meet my friends I discuss sex and my relationship with my DH ,that's what friends do ..so it's not appropriate for your DH to be discussing your sex life with another woman..a very poisonous woman I may add...
The fact that your DH has taken her seriously is the most worrying thing here
What he should of done is shut that shit down immediately
In your shoes ,I know exactly what I would do ..
I'd of laughed and said get to fuck ..and that would of been either the end of them meeting for lunch ..or the end of my marriage..his choice

But a couples counselor may not. Its risky. Couples counseling focuses in the marriage, the relationship is the client.

Hmm, for me this marriage would be over, but not before I raised a complaint with Jane's professional body (without the husbands knowledge).

BPD is also not exactly an innocent suggestion to be chucking around. Obviously many people with BPD can raise happy, well adjusted kids, but in general it's a diagnosis that will significantly impact how professionals will view things like parenting capacity. Part of this is because some people with BPD struggle with chronically unstable relationships - including with their children- borderline psychotic experiences like heightened paranoia and multiple self-harm or suicide attempts.

It used to get called the dustbin diagnosis and people with BPD are still treated very badly in health and social care systems.

I don't think this should be viewed innocently at all and especially not in the context of faux concern for your mental wellbeing. It's not like she's suggesting you have mild anxiety or depression. There is a long and awful history of men claiming their wives are mentally ill, particularly to control them through their children. The fact your husband is even entertaining this is sinister and he is complicit.

Your husband and his affair partner friend also can't diagnose you with this - they're being absurd, but the suggestion of it could still be damaging.

Out of interest, did you outperform your husband at university?

@CFornot123 is very vulnerable in the USA. She moved from California where split of real estate etc is straightforward.

She's a corporate lawyer so knows diddly squat about divorce etc.

What state she's in is so important as an ordinary person which she now is. She doesn't have an employer with different legal specialities to advise her.

A friend moved twice. Rochester, NYC, New Hampshire. Had to reapply each time for a license to practice. Her UK university background did help get jobs but she still had to learn state laws .

Probably, that won't help her over there unfortunately. I worry she's in a state where women's rights are less.

Jane is not the issue here although OP is obsessed with blaming Jane.

@CFornot123 , you might want to read Why Does He Do That available as a free PDF online.