AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Actually you were just suggesting that she was in her marriage for money.

Examples of how you have his back?! @CFornot123

2 immediate examples…

1. i moved to a different continent and gave up my career so you could follow your dreams
2. I looked after your children while you spent 10 days with Jane

he’s a scoundrel- ditch him and the dog will clear

Most likely yes. What are his good points that override all his negative points again?

WT actual fuck. There’s 3 of you in this marriage and always has been! Ditch the husband. He’s not all yours anyway

Those are normal actions and not really having his back. Having someone's back means: emotionally, trust, honouring them, financially supporting them, loving them etc. However, he doesn't deserve to have you cover his back.

What I am confused by, is that you say you have a degree in law and yet you're easily led by poor excuses to justify racism, you believe every word he says, you let him get away with murder...and you continue to stay with him.

If this was a client who came to you, or even your own daughters - What would you tell them? Because you need to tell yourself the same thing.

He has gaslit, emotionally manipulated and blackmailed you for so very long. You have just gone with the flow.

You said it yourself - You were happy with just the girls when he was working away. You don't need him. You are a -lawyer- with a fantastic education/career. Stop enabling his behaviour, stop selling yourself short. I think this marriage appears to be over. Nobody can force you to leave, but it looks like he's putting the motions in place to leave you for his besty. He didn't need to fly over to the UK when he lost his job...he could have just emailed her. Who does that!? Who abandons their family in a time when you should all be pulling together.

Do the Lawyer thing and take him to the cleaners before he does it to you. Don't be naive!!

But whether the OP does or doesn't have mental illness is a red herring.

Lots of us do. Are you saying a person's mental illness excuses all awful behaviour by their partner?

If OP had a diagnosis it wouldn't make DHs terrible behaviour suddenly ok. Its not like they are just not getting on, or not as close as they used to be etc.

From what she's said he is being abusive and uncaring towards her while prioritising a relationship with another woman, disrespecting her, then blaming her for all his failings and expecting OP to sacrifice her career and follow him round the world. OPs mental health is not the issue here.

There are some very odd behaviours here and I would suggest marriage guidance would be the best way to resolve them. I agree that your husband is your problem but it begs the question why he is so committed to this friendship? If the friend were male, would he be taking so much notice of them and would a male friend interfere in such a destructive and intimate way.

I mean she is a friend to the husband, not OP

Sorry what?? Jane isn’t the problem here but your arsehole husband. Why are women always blaming other women for the actions of their feeble, faithless husbands?!

Jane doesn’t like you and doesn’t owe you anything. Your husband, on the other hand, took vows to love and support you forsaking all others and he’s not doing his bit. So communicate with him, make clear what your expectations are and if he can’t or won’t meet them then kick. him. out. Life is too short for this.

That’s insane! Why is your husband so involved with this woman? You’ve majorly prioritised his needs over yours and he’s prioritised her needs over yours in turn.
You should’ve def been invited to that wedding too. Do you know Jane’s husband? I wonder what he makes of it all.

Whatever you do get your own career back on track right now

You can work everything else out later but you need to get your own earning potential back in place

If he cannot hear you then you are going to resent him... so look after yourself and your kids first for a change.

Circling back to the dog - why didn’t you take him to the vet? Is he financially controlling?

there seems to be a lot more going on and perhaps it might be worth speaking to woman’s aid

Also, when you say you have moved back to be near family- please tell me it’s your family!

I’m struggling to believe this. He lost his job and fled to be with Jane for 10 days and you didn’t divorce him. Her use of the N word. Friendship dealbreaker.

Centre yourself and your needs.

Once you do that you'll realise separation and divorce is the way to fulfilment.

And she moved 10 times because of his BIG job and BIG salary.

OP, just wondering what it would actually take for you to get mad? It's quite clear that your husband is more emotionally invested with this woman than you yet you are so calm and rational. As for racial language, I've never heard anyone using that word in normal conversation. It's completely unacceptable. I would have demanded to seen the wedding invitation. How often is an invite sent to one half of a married couple? I'd also be considering a written complaint to Janes employers, she's overstepped any professional boundaries. I think that you need to get your career back on track, you're an educated person, the writing is on the wall.

I don't know why you feel the need to capitalise BIG like that. It makes you look like the money obsessed one.

So when you tried to discuss with him that you felt he did not have your back and broke your trust, rather than asking you to explain your reasoning for this in a genuine effort to understand your point of view and try to repair the damage (as a basically healthy and respectful partner would do) he immediately moved instead to divert the discussion onto you and put you on the defensive, demanding that you give examples of when you have had his back. Despite the fact that he would undoubtedly be already aware you do this without your having to 'prove' it.

As there are myriad examples to choose from of your prioritising him (as you have done and do so all the time) when put on the defensive like this all you can do in the moment is come up is a couple of occasions which he can then dismiss as 'normal', and which seem laughable only if removed from the context of your constantly having his back.

I will say one good thing about him: he is a highly skilled gaslighter. Oh and he is a loyal partner: to 'racist Jane'.

@CFornot123 it’s great you have (1) started to make sense of the situation on this thread, and (2) been able to talk to your DH about the situation.

Now the conversation has started I suggest you may benefit from an objective viewpoint in real life (not just here, and definitely not the OW). Would he agree to some couples’ counselling sessions? An objective perspective may help guide understanding/ make sense of each other’s situation, especially when he’s has OWs voice in his ear. Sessions can usually be F2F (better), or online (make sure they’re HCPC registered as a minimum, and Prof reg is good too).

I'd cut that bitch of a friend off it sounds like she's "diagnosing" you to make you sound unstable and crazy if you ever did question their relationship being more than just a best friends one. She's going to be telling your husband soon enough that you're crazy enough to cut him off from all of his friends and he's going to believe it because apparently she's the expert.

Either he's deluded or gaslighting you - either way counselling will sort it out one way or the other. Be interesting to see if he would agree to it.

I will have to remember that about CAPITALS 😂

It sounds as though neither of you are happy with your relationship, or your lifestyle or work situation.
Something will have to give - can he change jobs to something less onerous? No point him "doing all this for the family" if you're all miserable and disrupted and you can't work and because of him.

He doesn't appreciate you following him round and putting him and his career first. Is that because he doesn't want the career but feels pressure to earn and do well, or because he has a bad attitude and takes you for granted.

That said, there is no point making lots of changes if Jane as a separate problem and if their relationship is going to undermine it all. I think you need to gauge that first.