AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

I do think Jane is part of the issue. She's not exactly an entirely innocent bystander. She's the one that floated the BPD idea, using her status as a mental health nurse to try to lend it credibility. So fucking sinister.

But agree the husband is the main culprit.

We are definitely coming from different clinical perspectives.
Rather than labelling with the available information from this forum (or brief referral form) any assessment would hope to formulate whether this is a therapeutically unsafe situation vs one where 2 academically successful individuals have become overwhelmed within their situation and need guidance in their interactions with an objective, structured (and evidence based view point). Yes individual therapy would be great but OP might find this challenging after being accused of MH issues, and I doubt the DH would see he had anything to change at present. Though hopefully I’m wrong.

With the implied financial situation this private support could be available from people with further clinical expertise too, ie not just couples counsellors e.g. members of the BABCP, BPS and ACP, but most importantly registered with the HCPC. Hence the knowledge base to appropriately safeguard.

We have no idea if any of it is actually Jane. The problem is the husband.

I'd say the opposite @WildLeader , though I know easier said than done. They need a permanent break apart. He has absolutely no respect for you OP and what he is allowing her to get away with saying is beyond forgiveness. Not to mention how he seems to have managed to twist the conversation you had with him last night into you having to defend yourself and changing course from the topic at hand ... Jane, don't waste anymore of your life on someone who does not respect you.

But check what rights you as a woman have in the state you reside in.

@CFornot123 is not in the UK!!

Thank you for saying what was in my mind. He needs to fuck right off and she needs to fuck off even further. If he mentioned her name in my hearing after this, I likely wouldn't be responsible for my actions. Jane wants the husband, I think and gaslighting has commenced.

He didn't sacrifice everything for his family, he pursued a high octane career of his own volition, which has now slowed down inevitably giving his ego a considerable knock. Jetting around for business is what many men thrive on with.
Since leaving California, he's had a chance to look around and decided he's ready for a mid-life crisis.

Yes she is - she saying the OP they’ve moved back to be near family and for school. And later says he lost his job in the states

Time apart will give the DH more time to get jiggy with Jane.

I don’t agree. It seems it’s more of a brother/sister type relationship- which actually makes it more of a permanent relationship tbf

Hence divorce . . .

100% appreciate your thoughts on this, I can see why you would say that.

there is an element tho of blokes being oblivious to how women talk and what is meant.

i can’t see from @CFornot123 ‘s posts that she’s actually laid this out for the H

and this is what direction I’m coming from. This bloke is being emotionally neglectful of his wife and oblivious to her feelings

that’s why I’m suggesting some time to get face to face and have the space and time to properly communicate with each other.

at least to lay the last cards out before telling him that unless things change radically and he begins to see what he’s doing, what effect it’s having on her and how the marriage is currently at death’s door because of it.

THEN, naturally, if he doesn’t have an epiphany and realise how he’s treating his Dw, that he’ll lose his family etc etc if he doesn’t step up, then absolutely then its time to split.

If I were you, I'd leave. You are wasting your education to support a man-child. You'll never get this time back, and when you figure out why the hell you stayed, it'll be too late.

The DH is not invested in the marriage. If OP leaves then he can set up with Jane at last.

There are three of you in this marriage.

I would absolutely not marry someone with a female best friend of 25 years. Leave them to the cool wives…. Also she’s fucking racist?? I’m white and I wouldn’t marry someone whose best mate was a racist? Do you think she’s just not racist to Asians?? She probably is and your husband is okay with it.

But no if I was in your shoes and my DH turned around and said him and his little gf had been discussing me at length I’d be in a jail cell. Fucking cheek of it. YNBU.

Mumsnet are wonderful and I can’t tell you anything more about how many degrees of wrong this is than they have. However, if this woman is still a practicing mental health nurse she needs report to the NMC and whatever trust she works for if it’s NHS. It’s a huge breach of ethics, and a downright disgrace. She is weaponising her knowledge about BPD to try to control and manipulate you, and shut you down so you stop asking questions. Equally as important she is a racist.

To try and diagnose a friend or family member especially based on hearsay is abuse of her position and she needs to be disciplined. They are both gaslighting you. Get your ducks in a row, report this woman and file for divorce. You’re too young to waste any more time on this excuse of a man and his affair partner.

Apologies @CFornot123 I thought you were still in the states because he flies to London for meetings.

Talk about there being three people in your marriage!

Every single little thing he’s done is unacceptable. You are his wife. You are supposed to come before anyone else, no matter how much he loves them, or how long he’s known them. You have put your own professional life on hold to support him in his career and raise your children and the disloyalty he has shown you in return is jaw dropping.

If Jane doesn’t like you, then fair enough. I can’t imagine you’d want to be friends with a rude racist with delusions of professional psychiatric qualifications either. But he is also acting like he doesn’t like you very much and while she’s busy affirming that his disloyalty isn’t down to him at all, it’s all down to you and he is faultless, he’s able to ignore his failings.

There’s no way a marriage can survive in these circumstances. He has to take a significant step back from Jane. He has to refuse to discuss anything to do with you. He has to put you before her (and, let’s be honest, before him every now and again would be nice). If he’s not willing to do that, then you’re flogging a dead horse.

OP, I think you want to work on this with him, the issue that must be addressed is Jane, as that is where his disloyalty is active. He has discussed private aspects of your marriage with Jane, left you for TEN DAYS to come up with a plan for YOUR future... with Jane! Has allowed Jane to treat you in a staggeringly shi%%y way, has attempted to impute a diagnosis of BPD on you based on Jane's uninformed opinion, has attempted to team up with Jane to bully you within your own marriage. Has refused to put boundaries around your marital privacy, with Jane, has accused you of being jealous of Jane when he is actually betraying your privacy with her, and so on.

I don't see how you have a viable marriage going forward unless he stops seeing Jane. In fact, even if he stops seeing her (he won't, by the way), I don't see how you have a viable marriage. He just has absolutely no respect for you. His high-flying career that he is claiming was all done out of love for you, that is not a credible sign of love. He made you give up your career and your financial independence to be financially dependent on him when his primary loyalty is to another woman.

How do you know you’re definitely not invited to the wedding? Is it more likely your DH has told them you can’t make it so he can go with Jane alone ? Maybe you’re being played here.

Is it possible he will try to use a BPD ‘diagnosis’ to try to get the children in a future divorce? He sounds very controlling and she sounds incredibly nasty. If I were you @CFornot123 I would not trust either of them.

Absolutely spot on.

Your H sounds awful.

Sadly you ignored red flags about him before and after marriage and put yourself in a vulnerable financial position by not working and being a trailing spouse. You’re probably stuck in the country where you had DC when you divorce.

Would let him do whatever he wants re Jane, refuse to relocate for him again, get a job, secretly get legal advice.

I would bet that you WERE invited to the wedding, but your H chose to go with Jane.
Did her husband go? I don't think he did...

You really do have a massive DH problem, it's not new, and it's not just Jane.

He doesn't take what you say seriously, so let your dog suffer until someone he resoesaid it should go to the vet?!

He spends the weekend with Jane, sharing god knows what confidences with her, and now they've both decided you've got BPD?!

He got fired, and instead of returning to his family and discussing the situation with you, his first action is to fly to the UK for 10 days and discuss options with Jane?!

Fuck that shit.

I would be filing for divorce, get a shit hot solicitor, get a good financial settlement including a pension share, and decent CMS.

And leave him and Jane to it.

💐