AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

It is time for himself as well as work. He's getting child free time and socializing after work. He seems to have his own definitions of things like me time and racism. I'm bringing up racism because I feel it is playing a big role here. As a mixed race woman, I'm going to say there is no acceptable use of the n word by white people. And bestie Jane is a mental health nurse who knows better than to use racist language but does it anyway. Your husband finds her overt racism acceptable and is fine with it and makes excuses for her racism.

I raised the point about how he’s not my back and broken my trust. His response was “give him examples of how I have his back”.

He's turning it back on you and that's DARVO. Next time, tell him you'll talk about his point after you discuss your point. Don't let him deflect. Then you can discuss dropping your career for him and moving 10 times.

had a conversation with him last night where I expressed how I was feeling (thanks to the confidence from the support here) in a calm way without getting emotional. He said I was coming across as cold and unemotional.

He's tone policing you and I would bet he's done it before. He's been trying to get you to overreact to play into this unethical and unprofessional "diagnosis" crap from his racist bestie. You were calm and he didn't like that. That doesn't play into his fake you have a personality disorder ploy.

He said he never takes any time for himself (which is true) and feels guilty when he does because his life is work, plus me and the girls.

So was going to the UK to stay with his bestie and leaving you and the kids in Cali not time for him? Does he feel guilty about that? Is socializing after work on his many trips not for him? Does he feel guilty about that? Was going to the wedding without you not time for him? Does he feel guilty about that?

Wake up.

Your husband is playing you and feeding you complete bullshit. He gaslights you like there's a gas shortage coming. It sounds like he's likely poisoning the well with your former friends group. His primary life relationship seems more like it's with Jane. You're the compliant wife.

All his complaining about you is isolating you.

What a previous poster said about him seeing himself as a good guy rings true. His self awareness is zero. And he's got Jane to validate that view of himself.

I think a plan to separate would be a good idea.

Same. Cheeky pair of fuckers.

This is a really bad situation for you OP and it feels like they are both gaslighting you. Please get some control back, go back to work.

Jane sounds dreadful and clearly has immense influence over your husband. I agree with you that he has broken your trust. Jane has a boundary problem. Your husband sounds like an arsehole. It sounds like he drags you down.
You deserve to be in a relationship and environment where you flourish and are respected. Kick start your career. Think about what matters to YOU and what YOU want and make a plan around that. If your husband is part of that plan be clear on your expectations of him.
Jane sounds toxic and way too invested, your husband is very influenced by Jane. Decide what’s acceptable to you.
When have you had his back?….turning your question to him back on you to deflect…classic. I would imagine it was when you gave up your career to support his and followed him around the work. What an ungrateful, self centred waste of your time and energy.
Im furious on your behalf. What kind of husband arranges ‘diary time’ with his wife to tell her his best friend, who disengaged with his wife 4 years ago, thinks she has BPD and needs help.
Live the life YOU want and deserve.

Gaslighting at its finest imo

You were invited to the wedding. He just didn't want you there.

He lost his job, and rather than talk to OP = his wife! = he dumped his children on his wife , hopped on an international flight and disappeared for 10 days to see Jane and try to figure out his future? WTF have I just read???

I'd tell him to get to fuck.

She would have been unless the bride and groom knew that DH and Jane were a couple.

Invites sent to Jane and Mr Jane, and OP and DH. Jane replies it will just be her cos childcare, DH replies just him because OP will need to be with their DD.
DH and Jane attend together.

DH is away a lot. Hotel stays....
Oh but they're just old friends...

Absolutely this.

He's a gaslighting arsehole. You are a million times better than he is. He is trying to undermine you and ruin your self-confidence so that you stop questioning his behaviour and his relationship with his racist 'friend'. His loyalities seem to lie with her rather than with his own wife and children.

Honestly, you are obviously an extremely intelligent woman and you would be much better off without him.

Jane is problematic but not the problem, your husband allows a racist woman to speak derogatory about his Asian wife, runs to Jane with life problems, allows Jane to diagnose his wife. Goes to weddings with Jane leaving wife at home. Your husband has two life partners only one of which he respects. Having a good friend is totally fine, treating them with more respect than your partner is not

BPD is hysteria by another name....

She will say you have hysteria and then if you get distressed about anything it can be labelled as 'you're mental, see how you are reacting'....

tell him PBD does not exist.

I’m not sure I trust someone who dated and 18 year old when he was 25 tbh, never mind Jane.

Grim a complete power imbalance.

Jane has a personality disorder.. the disorder being Massive Cunty Twat disorder. Your husband also might have it. At this point I think there would be an ultimatum of her or me.

Tbh I don't get why you made such an effort for Jane Op.

Did your husband ask you to?

she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend).

This to me is ridiculous.

Whose idea was it?

No reason she couldn't have been an usher.

You seem to have gone to extreme lengths & I wonder why?

An awful lot of people on here have MCT disorder we need to trademark it.
I cannot imagine sitting with a male friend discussing his wife in this way.
I do have a really good male friend of many years and his wife is someone I really admire and I’m really lucky when they met that she was fine with us being friends.
I got to be the witness at their wedding.
We have very strict boundaries which we don’t actually need as we are like siblings.
But if I ever sensed his wife was unhappy in any way it would end the friendship.
I think the DH here is worse than Jane. He is a nasty bully.

You are obviously a very intelligent woman. If I was you then I’d throw myself back into work part time to have some space to think! You appear to have given up so much and it’s doesn’t really sound like you’re getting much in return for that sacrifice. Honestly, your husband doesn’t sound the best kind of person. He’s happy to be friends with a woman that openly uses racist language and brushes it off as acceptable. For some reason you seem to have just shrugged that off even though you don’t actually find it acceptable. You deserve more respect than that! You are early thirties, get back out there. You can be that strong powerful woman that you are, and if you forget about your husband along the way, is that really a bad thing?

Your husband sounds awful. Jane is racist. Seems like they’ve been gaging an affair for years to me. Don’t be passive. This is your life.

You have a husband problem. You also shot yourself in the foot atrempting to people please a racist. You work in law...why would you not report a racist!? Why would you lower your standards to pleaee them!?

You've also allowed your husband to get away with far too much. Hubby should have kicked her to the gutter, the moment she uttered her first racist word. Why is your husband choosing her feelings over yours!? This screams of an affair, or she's manipulating him and he's spineless.

Also, you are not her patient. What she has done is unethical and against GDPR. Please report her to the medical board before she has chance to do this to someone else. I am a student Psychologist - We actually have to sign an ethics form to not diagnose anyone if they are not a patient!! She's technically breaking work guidance and procedure, especially ethics law. Please do take some legal action on this and serve her up a massive dose of Karma.

Get rid of the husband. Do not waste anymore life or energy on him. I would have marched him straight out of the door if I thought he and his female friend were gaslighting me into thinking I'm mentally unwell.

Wow, you sound like you are really enjoying putting the boot into the OP. What is it about insulting a woman in a pretty obviously abusive relationship that makes you feel good?

Outrageous all round. The husband is appalling , how can he strut off to a wedding where you should have been the plus one. He has no respect for you. He has some sort of preference to be in this other woman’s life get your ducks in a row without him noticing. Salary info, pensions. Everything. Is he even nice to you??

I would not trust your dh as far as I could throw him, or his racist friend.

Not at all. Calling someone "a mug" isn't about putting the boot into them: it's expressing frustration that they're accepting treatment they shouldn't have to accept.

The criticism is directed at the situation and at the husband's behaviour, not at her worth as a person. Sometimes people become so used to being dismissed and taken for granted that they stop seeing how one-sided things have become.

If she is in an abusive relationship, that makes it even more important for someone to say, "This isn't normal, and you don't have to keep accepting it." That's very different from blaming her for being in that situation.

You don't have to agree with the wording, but encouraging someone to recognise their own value isn't the same as putting the boot into them.

Leave your DH and Jane to run off into the sunset together.

Your husband believes an overtly racist woman who has violated ethical and professional standards to "diagnose" you with a personality disorder.

Do you see the huge problem there? He doesn't get that any of that is a problem. He accepts it as true. He respects a racist woman giving you, an Asian woman, a diagnosis that has no basis in anything other than his words and her bias.

And it's not any diagnosis, of course it's a personality disorder that's really stigmatized.

There's so much wrong there.

he lost his job in California, took the next flight out to the UK and spent 10 days in the UK, meeting with her to discuss his prospects and options, leaving me and my two children in the US alone

This is the core of the issue.
When he needs emotional support, advice, a discussion, he turns to her. Even flying across the Atlantic to see her.
He doesn't turn to you - the one who should be his life partner, best friend, primary support person, and his equal.

This proves that, to him, you are NOT his life partner, best friend, or equal.
You are the mother of his children: you are a housemaid and nanny (and a convenient shag?), but you are not his equal or partner, or his friend.

Only you can decide if you are happy with this kind of marriage.