AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

You have his back because you have put up with a torrent of shit and still travelled all around the world and gave up your own career to raise his children!!

You have his back. He is a sneaky bastard and likely showing adhd symptoms himself so how dare he throw stones at you.

I’m sorry, OP, you lost me at he lost his job and immediately flew back to be with Jane and left you and your children who had followed him to the other side of the world for his career all alone in a foreign country. That would have been the end for me. You have sacrificed so much as a trailing spouse and he has treated you like domestic staff.

Also what the hell does he mean he has no time for himself? What time does he think other working parents have?! 😂 Dh and I both have time for hobbies and seeing friends and solo travel, but that’s because we have made career choices that allow us to both be present and engaged parents. One or both of us is always home at 3pm every day. We rarely work away or work long hours. We’ve prioritised quality time and quality of life. If he had done the same and not buggered your career, he too would be home to do the school run and to go for an afternoon run and be able to take time for a solo holiday. That was a conscious choice on his part.

What on earth have I just read?!
You’ve given up your career for him. You’ve traipsed around the world for him and you’ve tolerated this ‘friendship’ with Jane when a lot of people wouldn’t have.
He’s slating you behind your back, he ran off to the UK to see Jane when he lost his job, he didn’t even show you the other friend’s wedding invite and he dismisses your opinion on things.
Genuine question - why on earth are you still with this twat?

Also agree you were invited to the wedding and your H told you that you weren't to isolate you from his friends and also then he could paint you as unreasonable to them for not going. It's looking more and more to me this is all about control of you.

Confirm this by talking directly to Jane. If confirmed, get your ducks in a row and get out.

That will do for starters.

I'm very suspicious of why Jane's ignored OP. I think it's almost certainly because of things the H has told her. I suspect both women are being manipulated.

Did you previously have a relationship with Jane's DH? I wonder what he thinks about it all.

"SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD)."

Just a further observation; Jane has intruded into your relationship for a long time. She has an investment here. Think: what purpose might it therefore serve to suggest a borderline personality disorder? It would alienate your DH further. It may undermine your parenting role should you separate.

How soon is your ADHD assessment..? If you can, get it brought forward. Ensure it is an assessment by a recognised governing body, NHS, professional, (not all assessors are 'equal'). Protect yourself.

And, if he then keeps pursuing the BPD angle, report Jane to her governing body.

Why are you such a mug? Got swayed by his BIG job and BIG salary?

He betrayed your trust, let another woman analyse your mental health, dismissed everything you've done for him as "just normal", then somehow managed to leave you feeling guilty for bringing it up.

You gave up your career for his. You've moved multiple times for his job. You organise his life, make sure he eats, rearrange your own schedule so he can go to the gym, and still end up having to prove that you've "had his back."
At what point does he have yours?

You don't sound like a wife. You sound like his PA, chef, life coach and emotional support, while he turns to another woman to discuss his marriage.

Please find some self-respect. Stop bending over backwards for someone who takes everything you do for granted and then questions your loyalty.

If he genuinely cannot see why discussing you with Jane and coming home with a psychiatric label attached to your name is unacceptable, then I'd be seriously questioning whether this marriage is worth saving.

Stop being such a mug. Time to leave this specimen and find someone who actually values what you bring instead of treating it as the bare minimum.

And get back to work.

OP; you lost me as soon as you said she was casually racist. My husband would never retain a friendship with a racist, especially one who was potentially racist towards me. He is as bad as she is, you need to leave him. They can have each other, he will get a shock when he realises she doesn’t actually want him, she just wants him single for her benefit.

They’re both utter bastards. Run.

I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years

She has put up with the crap for his paying role 💶

Also, he does do stuff for himself. He builds his career whisky yours folds, he goes to coffee with racists and he goes to the gym which is only possible because you quit.

Seriously @CFornot123, you need to escape this prick and his racist friend.

She is too busy blaming Jane instead of seeing that the real issue is with the weasel she unfortunately married.

He is racist himself if he doesn't speak up.

With your latest updates it is apparent that your H is continuing in the same vein as here in not taking you seriously, arguing back at you when you try to present your case and disregarding/disrespecting you. I think this incident with the dog is appalling actually, and very revealing of the cruelty and callousness that your H is capable of.

The fact that you felt the need to make a point in this post about being right all along and your H being wrong, indicates that you are probably battling all the time to defend your position and be heard. No wonder you can't see the wood for the trees in this relationship.

That your H is friends with racist 'Jane' is further revealing of his character. Btw as a white person the N-word has never crossed my lips or those of any other white person I associate with; if anyone ever uttered it they could expect to be dropped like a stone by the rest of us. I am not stealth boasting; just making the point that the behaviour of your H, in staying friends with a racist, is not normal. Explain how having an overt racist as your best friend whilst having an Asian spouse, is not egregiously insulting to said spouse. Yet you merely describe Jane mildly as 'not my kind of person' and still made an effort with her for as long as you could, purely for your H's sake. And still your H has the audacity to demand that you articulate the occasions when you have had his back?!

'Jane' is a red herring; the only thing you should consider with her is whether she has committed professional misconduct in 'diagnosing' you and if so, whether you report her. Your focus should be to work out whether your marriage is salvageable, but I suggest that even if you decide to try to save it, you should look into what your legal and financial situation should be in the event of divorce.

Absolutely agree. He is a waste of time.

Holy shit !! I can scarcely believe what I've read!! He flew to the UK for TEN DAYS to discuss his options with HER !! That for a start would have had me changing the locks before his return. But all the rest of it with him discussing you behind your back is absolutely unacceptable. In the EXTREME!! Oh dear OP..... you don't have a marriage. You're a character in a very badly written soap opera. I can't believe you've put up with this for so long. But please don't let this continue. You're a very intelligent and capable woman. Leave them to get on with their unhealthy "friendship" and put yourself first for once. This isn't going to get any better....EVER !!!!!

She worked up until 2 years ago and gave up work because they moved to the states.

that doesn’t suggest to me she just wants to stay at home and live off his money

Oh one other thing @CFornot123,
find out where she works and report her for misconduct. She has misdiagnosed you and discussed your mental health with another person under the guise of her job. That is unacceptable. She should be penalised for this. Oh and report the racism too.

Oh hell no. Wtf did I just read? She's white, she doesn't get to ever use this word at all. I doubt her Trust would be okay with it, as a MH nurse.

More to the point, I'm concerned that you accept your husband's explanations about things. Where's your boundaries? At what point do you say: this is not okay and I do not wish to tolerate this?

I wouldn't want to be around or be friends with someone who used racist language. I also wouldn't want to be with a partner or husband who had friends who used racist language either. I would seriously question my relationship with someone who was okay with being around people who use this language. How is HE okay with this? Let alone you feeling you have to tolerate it. How would you feel if she used racist language against Asians that would directly encompass you and your children?

I say this with kindness and not criticism - I have sat on courses in groups of women who all realise the following:

Your lack of boundaries is part of the problem. Figure out what your values are and what your boundaries are and stick to them. A therapist can help you with this. Only you can decide something is not right for you and it is 100% okay for you to decide that you have different boundaries to your husband.

I would not advise going to relationship counselling or therapy with him as he sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. He is playing you off against each other. You will always be in a lose-lose situation with him as this is how people like him work. They will twist and manipulate everything you say so that you come away completely baffled wondering how the conversation took that turn. You will never resolve anything with him - you will always be in the wrong. I would suggest that you seek your own therapist, solely to help you navigate this situation.

During your time away from him, get yourself on YouTube and watching Dr Ramani videos. Educate yourself. I also recommend the podcast or videos by Women of Impact.

Fucking hell, that would've been the end of the marriage for me! Your husband is a manipulative, disloyal arse and Jayne's a shit stirrer. See a solicitor asap, start job hunting, and leave the pair of them to each other.

Why on earth were you not invited to their mutual friend’s wedding is what I want to know? And he just went merrily along without saying ‘sorry, why is my wife not included on the invite?’

You didn't tell him how you've put your career on the back burner to follow him around on each move? You have left out all the major life altering accomodations you make for him. You really need to take a big step back OP and take a good hard look at what you have become. He actually thinks you haven't done anything for him, but Jane has always been there for him.

He needs a very stern word that this is all entirely inappropriate, abusive even, and needs shutting down now.

Surely if she us a mental health nurse she knows she can't be diagnosing her friend's spouses behind their backs and meddling in marriages?

You must be so, so angry.

Hi op glad you had the chat but him going out to work for his family is bullshit he would have to work even if he was single. The work trips give him freedom of a night why don’t you book something away and let him do your job. Also get a job he can’t stop you and I think you have given him plenty of support over time. Moving around constantly is support. This will be discussed with jane no doubt about it. But reach out to the others and meet up especially the people who recently got married.

I agree with this ^. He will wear you down. You’ll never feel like you explain yourself properly. It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who gaslights, minimises and deflects.

many posters here are suggesting counselling. I would say it will only work if he’s willing to understand that deflection/minimising etc are harmful to communication and that to grow together he’s going to have to start actively listening, reflecting, questioning his own behaviours and showing a certain level of vulnerability. If he’s not able to do this, counselling could set OP into more of a tailspin of self doubt, if the counsellor is not extremely good at what they do.