AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Can you broach the subject of couples therapy? Sounds like you would benefit from professional help

OP your conversatiosn with your (ick) husband are playing chess with a pigeon.

It sounds to me like you’ve been Wendied out of your friendship group by Jane and now she’s Wendying you out of your marriage. She’s driving a wedge between you and your husband and if you keep going with taking time apart whilst co-parenting I think k your marriage may be over. Have you thought about what divorce might look like financially for you?

I've read all of your posts @CFornot123 but not other posters.

Before commenting on her and your H there are some things that seem very odd.

What strikes me is that you allowed a level of friendship with this woman to end without any questions. She was your bridesmaid. She stopped talking to you for no reason. She ignored you at functions. Yet you never asked why? Isn't that odd?

Also, although you say you are Oxford grad you have been very dependent on your H and met at 18- you've not had much experience of relationships.

It comes over as if this woman is far more than a friend. Some couples tend to 'leave' their opposite sex friends when they marry. They might keep up some level of contact but not the amount he is.

She's the other woman.

You need to decide if you want to carry on like this or divorce.

He is kind of doing what I call ‘band wagonning’ - you say something and instead of listening and responding, he counters with something YOU are doing or not doing. No wonder you are confused. The more I hear about this, the more it sounds like he has cooled towards you and was discussing it with Jane and she was just responding to what he was saying (when of course she was only hearing one side). I’m not condoning their ‘friendship’ as such - it sounds a bit much to me - but it’s beginning to sound like he’s quite a way ‘out’ of your relationship (regardless of her). You are following him, bending to him, fitting round him and it’s never enough. I think you need to focus on what you want (it doesn’t sound like you are getting what you need or want) but your voice is being lost/you are being worn down @CFornot123

What a wanker.
Did anything happen untoward between them when she stopped talking to you.
The bi polar accusation is pretty nasty vindictive bitch.
H should be insisting you are a + one.
How unpleasant.
Animal neglect cos he doesnt believe you. Wow.

You are a lawyer, you draw up the papers- if DH values Jane's opinion so much he should be free to spend more time with her.
Take him to the clkeaners, start now.

Although that would usually work from what the OP has said about him people like this use the therapy sessions to gaslight and manipulate more. Sadly it happened to myself. They are very good at masking to the outside world and OP sounds like I was at her stage where I am looking at myself and what I can do and being as flexible and accommodating as I can because I think it must be me as I had been made to feel like it was at the time. It took separation and being around 'normal' relationships to help me see that actually, apart from usual human flaws, there is nothing wrong with me in a relationship. Watching him in other relationships, where the same things happened just on a faster cycle, it was him who was incapable of forming and maintaining a romantic relationship.
I would probably suggest the OP had individual therapy first and then see how she feels in time.

That’s quite the parade of red flags you have there.
I’m really sorry, but I agree with the view that you have a DH problem. He’s killing you with a thousand cuts of disrespect. He very clearly doesn’t value you at all.

This sounds really stressful. Once BPD (which is now EUPD) is mentioned, it undermines everything you do and say so it's the perfect manipulation tactic. It's a bit worrying if someone like that can be working as a mental health nurse.

I have experience of BPD (boyfriend and mum) and there's absolutely no sign of it in your posts. But you already know that!

Honestly I think you need a divorce. Why on earth are you still with him? You have every chance of a happy fulfilled life- don’t waste it being miserable because it’s what you think you ‘should’ do. Be free.

I strongly suspect once you are free from him you will be amazed at the things you put up with, the gaslighting and emotional abuse. Leave. Leave. Leave.
Take a leap.

Absolutely.

All this he’s ‘doing it all for you’ is bullshit. Did you ask him to move all round the world to earn more money? Did you ever say he needs to put more into his work and that you demand he be the sole breadwinner? I’m absolutely guessing no. In fact he has made it more difficult for you to work by taking you to the States for two years - I wonder why that was (not)…

He wants you to be off balance. He chooses to put you in situations where you doubt yourself: not being included in social events; being third wheel to his best friend; keeping the home fires burning while he travels around, staying in nice hotels and hanging out with his mates. Meanwhile he makes you feel guilty by saying how hard it all is for him and how you’re not giving him enough attention (poor lamb).

He’s set him his life exactly the way he wants to without really giving you a say and he’s a master manipulator by constantly making you feel guilty or making you feel you should be trying harder because of your ‘coldness’ and ‘mh conditions’. It’s all just gaslighting you. You’re constantly questioning yourself, your judgement, your own reality. The fact that someone like you who is obviously very bright and competent doubts herself so much shows what a number he has done on you.

I seriously suggest you get some therapy. Not to receive a diagnosis but to rediscover your confidence and find some trust in your own judgement. It is probably a good idea for you to regain some financial independence by going back to work. I hope he doesn’t keep all the finances. I fear he does as he sounds very controlling. Not in the classic way of stopping you doing things directly but in a calculating, undermining way where you control your own behaviour in order to avoid upsetting him.

Jane is a red herring. He probably manipulates her too. Although she sounds vile whatever.

What does her husband think about it all I wonder..
And what if it was the other way round and it was you having this kind of relationship with another man.?

The more you post, the worse he sounds

Which makes me wonder what else you have been putting up with that you have been told is “normal”

He’s got some brass neck!

He would not last 6 months with me because I would destroy him with all this BS he spouts.

Well why doesn’t he stay home and let you go back to work if he’s finding it all too much. No one is forcing him to stay in a job that is too much pressure ( despite him sounding like he actually loves his job)

We all have free will, if it means taking a job with a slightly lesser pay but you keep your sanity and health intact then you do that, but to basically say he’s going through all this career hell for YOU, we would be in separate rooms by now awaiting the divorce.

I’m astounded at her use of the N word! I’ve known a few virulent racists in the past, they never used it!
Is Jane working in the NHS as a MH nurse? Those are not words to win friends, they are words to get her sacked.

Totally. She is young and can still get her career on track, and enjoy life still. I hope she doesn’t waste anymore of her prime years with this guy!

Will it be harder having to go back to work with 2 young children? Yes, but she can do it and it won’t be difficult forever.

Get your career back. Start doing things for yourself, not change your whole life so it fits around his. He’s not grateful hence not worth your sacrifices

You have his back by not betraying him and telling a friend all about the problems you are having. You speak with him. Having his back means being faithful and following him around the world in his dream career while you give up on yours. That is having his back OP. He is trying to make you feel guilty with all this shit he is spouting and trying to be clever about.

He doesn't have your back - anyone can pop to the shops and buy gifts (or get his secretary or office minion to purchase them?) but only true faithful spouses keep private things private and talk to each other when things are tricky not spend 10 days with their female friend.

OP can you put your professional head on here - you are a lawyer. Take your emotions out of the situation! You must be good at arguing a case and knowing what is fact and what is bullshit. Call him out.

So for most of your post I was ready for YABU. It’s a long-standing friendship and whilst it would be good if she made an effort with you, she’s his friend so I’d let them get on with it.

Personally I also wouldn’t have an issue with him talking through worries and issues with her, I do that too with my friends. I don’t think it’s relevant that she’s a woman except maybe more open and willing to have those kind of chats.

Where it gets completely out of order is her suggesting you have a serious mental illness based on what he has told her. This is so wrong and so outside of her fucking lane to comment on. I actually think it makes it worse that she’s a mental health nurse as she should have the knowledge and experience to know you can’t throw shit out like that with little evidence.
I agree with the PP who identified similarities between ADHD and some PDs but she should know this too.

Finally, your husband coming back, reporting what she said and asking for a fucking meeting is outrageous.

He could have taken on board her words and advice and suggested you two have a conversation about where things are and what the future looks like.
No way would I go back to my husband and say ‘Laura thinks you’re cold’ or ‘Vicky thinks you don’t do enough in the house’. What a dick.

I do agree you need to get your career on track and make sure you’re earning and in a good financial position because this could be imploding fast.

My dd went to oxbridge and had considerable problems caused by a female boss who seemed to be jealous and resentful of her oxbridge background. This boss undermined and belittled her in front of her peers and began to insinuate she had a personality disorder, done in a jokey but unpleasant way. I think the root cause of it was the boss was highly competitive and wanted to be perceived as having a higher status in the team and was naturally a bully. My dd was always very lowkey about her academic background but her other colleagues joshed with her harmlessly about it. Her boss was aggrieved, once stating 'I worked for one of the big 4 consultancies, thats better than going to Oxbridge'
I imagine Jane is resentful that your academic background has enabled you to marry her friend and has formed a lasting grievance. Shes probably thinking, if she had gone to oxbridge, things would have turned out differently

So he really doesn’t see how what he has done/doing is a problem now you have told him. WOW! Is he an only child or something that was raised by parents that spoiled him to the point he thinks the world revolves around him as to why he is like this?!?

Then he said you should give him examples of how you have had his back?!?! I don’t think he understands how this works.. if nothing has happened to him that requires you to have his back then you won’t need to, in HIS case one example is the wedding, he could have shown solidarity and had your back by not going ( although I suspect you were actually invited he just didn’t tell you)

You don’t even need to say anymore to him,you need to call time on this marriage and just leave him, please just leave.

I can guarantee he is running back to Jane with all this slagging you off and she’s advising him with her BS which will just make matters worse.

Do you have family that can help you with the girls when you go back to work or better still that you can move in with..

How can he simultaneously hold down a job requiring travel but also be so incapable he can't take the 2 mins it needs to book his own gym sessions. You're not his servant, you're his wife.

This would be fine if there was some mutuality in the care and love you are showing him via your actions. But there isn't, is there? It sounds as if he's done everything possible to isolate you and now is attempting to gaslight you and control you more using Jane as his authority, I'm guessing you do 100% of the childcare of HIS children. How much time does he spend with the kids?

I would be tempted to call Jane at work and ask if she really diagnosed you based on what your H said about you without having ever met you in the last 4 years. And whether she thought this was ethical.

You don't actually know why she dropped you. It could quite as easily be your H making up stories about you that paint you in a bad light - he may have said that you said horrid things about her and that YOU didn't want to be friends because he didn't want the two of you talking. It might be worth having a conversation with Jane to put her right on a few points, I highly doubt your H has told her the truth. Two women dancing to his tune, he's having a fine time of it.