AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

I think they’re gaslighting you. Trying to make you believe that you are the one who has a problem. They both sound narcissistic and this is a ‘them’ problem and not a ‘you’ problem. How are you going to handle this op? You need to be very strong, clear and firm. They have both crossed boundaries and neither have supported you or got your back. If your marriage has any future your husband’s alliance should be solely with you or you will always be looking over your shoulder wondering what is being said about you..
There are some women who always interfere in ‘friends’ relationships. Also your husband doesn’t sound v wise or have you on a pedestal of who he wants to be married to. I struggle to understand how he is as successful in his job as you describe when you have followed him round the world respectfully, been raising your children together and he treats you like this. Be clear in what you want and need and what is best for your children (and pets!)

Your dh is quite the consummate gaslighter.
You have given up a career for your dh.
You've given up friends snd extended family.
You have watched him pursue a friendship with a female that persists in undermining you to your dh and been gracious and understanding.
You have finally decided enough is enough and now it's you who is cold and unemotional.

There is nothing wrong with you op.
Your dh however has played you for a fool and now realises he may have pushed too much and is back tracking.

If you want to stay with him then Jane has got to go.
That should be your primary condition and a very strict boundary.

And get yourself a career sorted ASAP.
You're an intelligent woman.

Are they also turning the lights down and telling you it's all in your head when you ask why it's so dark in the room?

Husband thinks way more of Jane than he does of you. I'd suggest he's probably in love with her, or in limerence.

I'm not sure what you're up for, i mean would you divorce him? Because I think he should stop seeing Jane because she's a toxic influence. However I am 100% sure that he won't stop seeing her.

Therefore the toxicity remains. The only option for me, is divorce. What do you think @CFornot123?

He’s still playing you - nothing will change until Jane is out of the picture. That would be my first non-negotiable.
Toughen up and realise the dire situation you and your daughter are in, then start making moves to get a better life.

What does he mean he never takes any time for himself???
What about all those calls and meetings with Jane? Dinners even ??
Who are they for then?
Work ?
Or will he twist it to say they are for you and the family so the pair of them can gossip about you and purportedly diagnose you in an undermining way.
This whole thing sounds like the original film
Gaslight.
Have you seen it. It's a good film.
And now you are feeling guilty for poor husband...this is a well known tactic by abusers to confuse partners.
Cycle of abuse.
Sowing confusion.
Doubting yourself.
Trying to be fair you get tangled up in their false narrative.
I can't explain it properly.
But recognise it.
Others will explain better.
Don't be dragged down OP.
Use your brilliant brain and organising ability to cut your way through and out of this labyrinth.

@CFornot123 Read your update; the gaslighting continues. He is NOT doing everything for you and the girls. If that was true he wouldn't spend so much time with Jane bitching about you. He wouldn't accept going to marriages without you. He wouldn't have flown to the UK for 10 days spending time with Jane after having lost his job- he would have spent time with YOU- his wife.

It sounds like Jane is his wife and you are the mistress. Spending time apart comes in handy for him: time with Jane. You don't have separate issues to work on- it's your marriage that's broken. I am pretty convaincu that he's in a romantic relationship with Jane. The best you can do is getting your ducks in a row and start divorce proceedings if, ofcourse, he doesn't acknowledge that Jane is the problem here- cuts her out of his life and goes to marriage counselling with you. Somehow I don't think that's going to happen.

Gently @CFornot123 this is bullshit.

1. You express concerns and he attacks you as cold … but you know that if you were emotional he would say it’s proof of a personality disorder
2. ’everything he does is for you and the children’?! Like leaving you for a week to hang out with Jane? Like going to social events with Jane and not you? Like discussing your marriage with Jane? How is that for you? How does that help your kids? It’s gaslighting 101.
3. He clearly does take time for himself - time with Jane and not you, his actual wife. Time to socialise with another woman and discuss his wife’s apparent shortcomings

This update is worse than what you’ve said before because his abusive manipulation is so clear. And you are falling for it.

Do not buy into his narrative. He is not the victim in this.

He has disrespected you, your children and your marriage. And he’s trying to pretend you are at fault. Read up on DARVO / the abuser’s playbook.

I’m so sorry. He’s a shit. I think this may be the end of the road. 💐

Good point. Or maybe it was a transport problem. Does she drive? Own a car? If not that's probably something else to sort out before leaving the creep.

Read your update, he’s a manipulating Twat. Don’t fall for his/her crap anymore. The fact he left you on your own for 10 days for Jane, is unbelievable. If my Husband did that, he would not need a return flight.

Having read your update it's actually even worse than your OP. Rather than 'express how you are feeling' you need to state how he is making you feel. Some conversations are between a husband and wife. It's ok to have a little moan now and again to your friends about your partner but not to the depths he has gone to with Jane.

He is so manipulative. I don't understand why on earth he went to a wedding for which you didn't even get an invite?! This really spells out what he thinks of you and the utter lack of disrespect.

Don't fall for the bullshit. Get angry.

You are still young. Get your career back on track asap. Many people work and look after kids. Part of you has lost confidence to fall for this crap.

Jane is a red herring here. Think about it this is how you want to live. He is an emotionally abusive piece of shit.

Read your OP back like they are written by your daughter. What would you tell her?

Hmmm.

so when he buggered off for 10 days to see Jane to discuss his work options or whatever and left you with the kids, that was for your benefit? 🤔

Putting aside the stuff going on with you and him, what’s his excuse for overstepping with Jane and the Jane situation in general? He’s not giving her up by the sounds of it so you need to figure out if you can tolerate her in your life.. if you can’t then the conversation about feeling pushed out etc is pointless because Jane will always be a problem in your relationship

“Everything he does is for you and the children”

Except it’s really not… Going to weddings when you weren’t invited? Spending loads of time with Jane talking about problems in your marriage ands problems he has with you?

I think marriage counselling is a must, and cutting out Jane is a must. This is on him, everything YOU have done is for him and the children! Giving up your job? Following him halfway round the world? You’ve given up a lot more than he has.

THIS!!! 100%

Gosh, I think if the shoe was on the other foot he would have hit the roof like years ago. Most people at 38 barley have time to see their close family when they have 2 young children a high paying job (added stress) and multiple house moves let alone a friend they have lunch, brunch, dinner and video calls with. I couldn't imagine being married to someone and having kids with someone who made this much space for his "childhood friend" no matter what sex theyr were, over me and my children. Then to have the audacity to discuss you??? Absolutely not. Sorry but this is more than crossing a line. I would not be tolerating this whatsoever.

OP this thread is ridiculously outing. I've only read your opening post and I know more about you than the people next door.

Maybe she was invited to the wedding. OP said she did not see the invitation.

The super gaslighter could have just said it was only him so he could have a day away partying without the wife and kids.. yet this is the same man saying his life basically revolves around his wife and daughters yet happy to bugger off to a wedding that his wife is allegedly not invited to.

This man is something else…

Well I mean he's discussing her with his mates so I think that's worse than her doing so to complete strangers on an anonymous site.

1. you are being gaslighted
2. Im a qualified MH nurse I cant diagnose any MH disorder and could only arrange a person to see a psychiatrist
3. Is this woman called Camilla by any chance?
4. Leave him, he doesn't respect you in any way

This op....

I weny through a break up recently of 5 years, i knew frim day kne if we brije up that "friend" would instigate it. I was right
The reason? I lost both parenrs.within 2 years of eachother to cancer and didmt go back to normal quick enough and "was still gvieving"... a year after my mum died and 2 after my dad died.

Blindsided, got forced out of my home. This firend even wrote letrers for ex to send to me.

Im in a much better place just over a year on. I wish id stuck up for myself more though.

This person will always be a huge influence
I learnt this the hard way.

Why so snarky and mean?

So many things are wrong with your situation. He doesn’t seem to appreciate you or what you have given up so he could follow his dreams.

You were clearly invited to that wedding. I’ve never been to a wedding where the spouse is not invited. The fact you knew the groom too would mean unless it was a small intimate wedding where they had apologised for not inviting you, you were definitely invited. You didn’t go because Jane has a problem with you. If they are not having an affair then at the very least she is extremely possessive of him and crosses boundaries that affect your relationship.

You have put up with enough. You clearly don’t have BPD just by the fact you didn’t kick off when he dropped that bombshell! You can control your emotions. The fact you have emotions and feel a bit lost, should be something he is helping you with not complaining to Jane who he knows doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

If I was you I would be retraining to become a divorce lawyer so you could represent yourself. You are clearly capable and intelligent but those people are toxic. Nothing in your post suggests you feel a strong connection to your husband. I think you would flourish without him and her.

Quote '' There are three people in this marriage - so it's a bit crowded''

I'd go fucking mental at this and the friendship would be over or I would be gone. Why you've put up with this for so long I don't know, it's so disrespectful it's off the scale.