AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

I think there are some real red flags in your dhs behaviour with gaslighting and love bombing. A massive one is where you questioned his behaviour with Jane and he turned it round that you needed therapy for jealousy issues. You do not sound jealous your dh has a friendship with a woman for years who he communicates with and runs to. You should come as a couple to events but between dh and Jane they have shut you out. I’m also wondering if moving you far away from friends and family was planned on his part? You seem to have accepted his answers to a point. I think it is time to start standing up to him op. You do not have to accept his behaviour. Personally I would be really angry that he discussed your possible diagnosis with someone who does not know or care about you who apparently chose to walk away from you. Where was his protection of you in that? I would get therapy personally to unpick the confusion around your relationship.

The fact that this woman uses the N word ironically? So does she use it in work to address patients? No.
And by the way the only person who can diagnose BPD is a psychiatrist and you would have to be their patient to do that.
No disrespect to MH nurses I have met some great ones, but I know one who is dysfunctional, nasty and abuses alcohol. Just because someone does this job doesn’t make them a decent person.
This friendship is appalling and being left out of the wedding even more so.
I could not breathe in this marriage. Come on OP you are a bright woman, still young with many more years to go.
You don’t really know anything but this man, but it’s not right.
And Jane can fuck right off.

Gosh im so sorry. I could never be with someone who clearly prioritised another woman over me.
Even in the early days I would have been out of there. I have no idea how or why you have put up with this third person in your marriage but surely you can see where your husbands priorities are, and where yours have been throughout your marriage and his are clearly lacking.

I think you know deep down you are done? You and his family should be his priority but he has increasingly shown you that she is......for whatever odd reason.....what a wierd dynamic they have 👀

Your husband is still choosing to be friends with her even though she's rascist when you are Asian and have mixed race DC. Definitely an emotional affair it's like she's grooming him.

This all sounds terrible. He sounds emotionally manipulative and abusive (attempting to convince you you have a personality disorder is a classic abuser move - I am sure many of the women on this thread will have experienced or, as have I).

His relationship with Jane breaks all boundaries, as does his persistence in the friendships with the uni friends who have so cruelly cut you off.

Forgive me - you do seem somewhat detached from it all, and I am wondering if this is a coping method you have had to develop due to years of his abuse? Or whether you are starting to shut off from him, as preparative work in the process of separation (perhaps subconsciously).

Don't be confused Op.
He' still a shit.

Everything he does is for himself-and Jane!

If anyone has a personality disorder it would be this so called friend of your husband. Your main problem in all this is your husband who is prepared to listen to her malicious attempts to "diagnose" you. As I am sure you know, she is gaslighting you and tying to destroy your marriage and enjoying doing what she is doing.

Oh, and I forgot Jane's "ironic" use of a vile racist slur. What the fuck does she think gives her the right to do this? And why do people (like your husband)!tolerate it?

I sadly live in a part of the UK that is becoming quite well known for racist views, and even here, no white person could go around using the N word with impunity (unless you their own personal cabal of racist associates). Is your husband a racist too? Or just a racist "ally"?

Where is your self-esteem in all of this?

Working hard doesn't give someone a free pass to betray your confidence.
You told him you felt emotionally neglected and unsupported. Instead of focusing on the fact that he'd crossed a huge boundary, the conversation ended with you feeling sorry for him because he feels broken. That isn't where the focus should have been.

Just wanted add to my previous post in order to provide some perspective. My DH has two female friends from childhood/ school. In both cases they considered my DH their best friend when I met him. They were from different social circles to each other. When we were first together one made it very clear to me how ‘special’ their friendship was. The other would actively not invite me to big social events my DH was invited to.

Do you know what happened…their friendships with my DH suffered because of it. No falling out, no drama and they’re still friends today. But my DH didn’t want to go to things I hadn’t been invited to. And he clearly didn’t put the same emphasis on the ‘special’ relationship as it would have been inappropriate so it became a friendship where we only see her maybe once a year. And I’m always invited if I want to be.

Unfortunately, @CFornot123, I agree with PP that your "heart-to-heart" with your (D)H hasn't really resolved anything, but has brought to light more of how he is not intending to change his behaviours. You really really need to get your skates on and start putting in motion an action plan that will benefit you and your DDs before things get done "to" you. (And I wouldn't put it past Jane to have a plan already in place for your husband to execute.)

First, start talking at least with a divorce lawyer to see what your options are and what protections you might need to put in place to ensure that he can't misuse "mental health" as a leverage to take the children from you.

Second, drop your request that both you and your husband "have some time apart (whilst still living together and parenting the children) to both work on" yourselves. That is definitely NOT what either you or he needs. If you want to try to heal this (imo unresolvable) fracture in your relationship, then insist that you go to marriage counselling together. And if he agrees to that, while in it, insist that you be able to discuss the destructive role that Jane has had throughout your marriage. I suspect either he will not agree to it in the first place, or will try to limit what can be discussed, or will not engage properly with the process. But if it works, then go from there to decide what your next steps should be.

Third, while all this is going on, get your "ducks in a row". Figure out what you need to restart your career. Find out how, if you end up out of this toxic relationship, you can support yourself and your children. Think about where would be best for you to be living close to support for you.

I, like all the other MN women here, wish you well. Do not fall for his faux "concern" for you, when it is clear he really has very little concern for anyone other than himself and perhaps Jane.

This!
I'm speechless OP.
Jane needs to keep her beak out of your marriage...not that it's going to last much longer...

He's annoyed that you didn't scream at him and prove her point. He's then manipulated the conversation away from her. I'll ask again, why did he lose his job?

So basically DH has told Jane for years what a nutter you are and vented everything to her. She then took a step back from you when she had a baby as she didn’t want craziness around her child. Jane has heard a load of shit from your DH and then also fuelled by the fact that she wants to be the main woman in his life romantic or not and ‘gives advice’ to control your DH and to keep you in your box

A lot of things are going through my mind right now, I’m not sure which feels most important
Stop following your husband around whilst ignoring your own career
Are you sure you want him still to be your husband?
Have you any idea how Jane’s husband feels about all of this?
Ask your husband what he has been saying about you
A diagnosis of BPD would be made by a psychiatrist not a nurse

Unless Jane is a black rapper that is bullshit

I’m struggling to understand the context in which she is using the N word tbh

Honestly, it’s time to put your law degree to work. Get your ducks in a row. Divorce the POS. He has put her on a pedestal and has placed more value in her opinion than yours. You’re not going to win this one.

He does 'take time for himself' albeit that most of it seems to be spent with Jane. 10 days in the UK to see her? Insane!

Jane, the MH nurse who needs to be reported to her professional regulatory body for diagnosing someone from a distance that she hasn't seen in years and hence meddling in their marriage. She is using her professional position for personal gain here. It's highly unethical.

Have you mentioned to your H how extremely unprofessional Jane is being OP? And how really you should report it to stop her from destroying other people's lives in the same way.

My take is that Jane wants your H for herself. She's jealous of you and undermining you at every turn.

Of course your H has willingly walked into her trap, and is an unfeeling cockwomble towards the mother of his children.

If he does want to repair the marriage and genuinely loves you then the first thing he needs to do is reduce time with Jane to a very low level. She has shown she is not your friend

@CFornot123 this with bells on.

Honestly, I don’t care. I hope the people involved read this and see for themselves

OP, you’re still centring his feelings. You tell him he’s broken, you feel guilty. You tell him you’re emotionally neglected, you end up reassuring him. You tell him he betrayed your trust, and somehow you’re left wondering whether you’re being unfair.
Read your own post back. You’ve followed him around the world, given up your career, moved ten times, accepted Jane treating you badly because she mattered to him, and now you’re considering whether you’re overreacting because he let her diagnose you with a personality disorder.
At what point do your needs become as important as everyone else’s?
He may genuinely be trying his best, but trying your best doesn’t mean your partner has to accept being emotionally neglected or having private marital issues discussed with someone who dislikes them.
Stop feeling guilty for asking for space. For once, you’re putting yourself first, and that doesn’t make you selfish.

I think you’re finally beginning to realise that your emotional needs matter. Have you considered therapy?

PS get back to work asap.

I'm late to the party but Jane sounds like a cunt.

Agree with this and also would add in that poorly understood trauma symptoms can also lead to women being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (or emotional unstable personality disorder as it is now known).

Also, no one should diagnose anyone unless they are a professionally qualified to do so and have gone through the assessment process.