AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Yep. I rarely see anyone admit to having one, but autism/ADHD is socially acceptable. No one is trying to get diagnosed with BPD however.

Fuck the fuck off. BPD is chronically over diagnosed in neurodivergent women who do not have a diagnosis. Very few people actually have personality disorders, it is just misdiagnosis and morons saying everyone is a narcissist

And then you get this response lol.

I don't mean to be rude OP but why on earth have you put up with all of this insanity for so long? I say this to try to help you see sense, I'm sure you know this is not acceptable. You need to start standing up for yourself and tell him that he can't behave like he has been in spending all of this time with a person that makes you feel so uncomfortable. He needs to call her out on her use of racist language. I would ask him to significantly cut back contact. TBH though I agree with others that this is at minimum and emotional affair. I'm not sure i could get over it.

Did you ask DH what he thought about 'friend' suddenly dropping you?

LTB. Seriously.

Yes, she is white British, uses the N word in a very casual way.

I have to ask, are all these friends white? Because it sounds like there's racism going on along with everything else.

I could not continue to be married to a man who allows his “best friend” to treat you, his wife, so horribly. Why does he not call her out on why she blanks you? She is so rude to you. And he puts her high above you, his bloody wife ffs. That is so wrong. As I said, LTB.

LTB.

He discusses you and your marriage with an outsider but is unwillling to discuss with you or consider things from your point of view.

This is an emotional affair which isn’t going to end.

Report Jane to her medical body for addessing and diagnosing a person without any clinical assessment.

Make the complaint official. Report her via legal communication.

Also tell your DH that you pay no heed to anything said or advised by people whom you do not respect.
Tell DH that, after having Jane as a bridesmaid and keeping socail contact with her, inviting her to coffee etc and being completely ignored, you now have lost all respect for her.

Also tell DH that you are very hurt that you were not invited to the wedding and that you feel he has no balls to accept the invitation without you and to have no consideration to your feelings. That you want him back as your number one supporter and that you do not want to hear about Jane again because, in your opinion Jane is having an emotional affair with him..

Ask DH to look up what that means and to seek clarification on that by booking and attending some counselling consultations for himself.

This, what she is doing is completely unprofessional and against all ethics!

I'd be out of that marriage like a bat out of hell.
I think you'll flourish without him, just as you did in California.
I recently left my husband after 13 years of marriage, I'm now raising our 2 and 4 year olds single handedly.
I wish I had an oxbridge law degree in my bag! But I've found a strength I didn't know I had.
Leave the marriage and do something with your degree. You earned it.
He and Jane can fuck off into the sunset.

They both sound mentally ill. Get your career back on track and leave the pair or weirdos behind.

Who does your DH think he is?

• dismissing your views / not taking you seriously
• arguing for a white woman to get to use the n word
• accepting an invite to a wedding abroad that excluded his own wife (I would never go to a wedding abroad from which my DH were excluded, or at least not without some damned compelling reason like the wedding is tiny and it's my best friend in the world, which was clearly not the case here!)
• video calling and having frequent meet ups with a female friend who refuses to acknowledge or show basic social courtesies to you, his wife!

This does not sound like a marriage where you are trusted with trust and respect, or where your DH deserves yours.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Of course I have no idea about your mental health or whether you would meet personality disorder diagnostic criteria, but if you do meet them, that doesn't take away from the fact that this woman and your husband have objectively created a situation that is stressful and difficult, and that you seem to get treated by your DH in a way that would cause almost anyone to feel jealous, sad, angry, isolated, neglected. You've had to move 10 times in 10 years, have given up the prospect of an incredible career, have a DH who is away from you for long hours and who seems to have little interest in your future, and presumably are quite distant from your own support network due to all of these pressures. As the clinical psychologist Lucy Johnstone encourages us to ask, perhaps it's not 'what is wrong with you?' so much as 'what has happened to you?' (consider looking up the Power Threat Meaning framework as an alternative to a medicalised framework for understanding human suffering).

Incidentally there's a Lionel Shriver story on this exact topic in her book Property - it's the first story in there and I really recommend it!

Um…but she’s not a black rapper, so she can’t do this. Just like a woman, if she chooses to, can ironically refer to her friends as sluts, but men can’t walk up to a group of women and say the same. You have to be part of the minority group to “reclaim” the word—otherwise it’s a slur.

Forget Jane, your husband sounds a complete wanker. Get shot of both of them!

I’d probably go to the GP, largely to prove them wrong. A family member has BPD, in their case it was obvious.

This post just gets worse by the update.

Who does HE think he is?!? Your husband is the main issue here, the friend is a twit but HE is actually the cause of your problem in so many ways.

I would start planning my departure from this selfish, disrespectful, patronising fool. You need to get your career back on track and leave him. The situation with the friend is bad enough but then to keep treating me like a fool that he doesn’t listen to because he thinks I’m over reacting to everything, I would just end up hating him and that’s not going to be good for me or my children to be stuck in that situation.

They both sound bloody awful.

Just so you’re aware every woman in their 30s is not getting diagnosed with adhd. It’s underdiagnosed in this country.

Also so may ND people end up being wrongly diagnosed with BPD which is hugely difficult to get rid off once you have the wrong diagnosis. I would definitely report her. She absolutely shouldn’t be saying things like this.

Finally I’m wondering and hate to be scaremongery but do you think your dh is thinking of splitting and wants something on you to gain custody?

Also what is their evidence for the BPD claims?

When you say he lost his job - do you know what happened?

Update - had a conversation with him last night where I expressed how I was feeling (thanks to the confidence from the support here) in a calm way without getting emotional. He said I was coming across as cold and unemotional. He also said he felt broken because everything he does is for me and our children and it sounds like I have a lot of built up resentment towards him when he’s been trying his best. He said he never takes any time for himself (which is true) and feels guilty when he does because his life is work, plus me and the girls. That then made me feel terrible. I suggested we have some time apart (whilst still living together and parenting the children) to both work on ourselves as he also clearly has issues to deal with. I explained to him I felt emotionally neglected by him and unsupported which he agreed was fair and he’d been guilty of dismissing me. He felt I was pushing him away so he’d “showered me in gifts” to try and keep me without understanding it wasn’t what I needed or wanted.

so now I’m confused because I explained to him he’d broken my trust in talking to Jane and I needed some time away from him to figure out if that trust could be rebuilt.

Sorry this is so wrong. I would never be friends with anyone who treat my spouse like an outsider whether male or female, you are a unit. While it isn't unusual to have called bit of a whinge about you partner occasionally to someone it shouldn't be so in depth and is usually superficial and with people you both know.
This has been going on for years and wouldn't be surprised if he is building a case against you for a future divorce.

Don't get mad, get even.

The difference is you usually have a lot of contact with your partners best friend and don't go to mutual friends weddings with them and not your partner. This is where is is really weird. If I had a friend who didn't get on with my partner I may still keep the friendship but would definitely not discuss marital business with them.

Actually if anyone sounds like they have BLP it's Jane as she is holding on to tight to your DH.

Not at all. By leaving you are proving you don't have BLP as BLP is characterized by clingy behaviour and fear of rejection. Of course they will label you with something else but stuff them, you will be living your best life without them.

I wouldn’t be able to like the fact that your heart to heart conversation was not going to be discussed and analysed with Jane…