AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Jane sounds unhinged and like a right nasty piece of work. Extremely unprofessional of a mental health nurse to go around armchair diagnosing people to boot. Who the fuck does she think she is?!

Your DH needs to set her straight and distance himself from her. If he doesn’t see that, then he is the problem.

I’d tell him it’s her or me and give him 24 hours to decide. He’ll almost certainly choose her because he’s always choosing her. But I could not be with a man whose best friend is a woman. They both sound embarrassing.

I agree. Who the fuck do they think they are?

You lost me at the point where your husband condoned her racism towards you.

See a solicitor

Let’s start at the wedding invite. Why on earth did your husband go if you weren’t invited?! Unless it was a really small wedding and only like ten people were there or something.

I’d be tempted to leave Jane out of it. You have a husband nightmare. He must start backing you, and prioritising you and his children. How on earth is he managing to meet with her so often while working so hard? I’d start with that I think. So sorry OP.

You need to see a lawyer… they are going to try and paint you as an unfit parent and aim for 50/50 or higher!!

Get your ducks in a row and see a lawyer yesterday!!

I think there’s two sides to every story. OP, can you see any truth in what he’s/ she’s saying? Because by your account, you’re perfect.

AIBU for thinking who TF does he think she is? This should be the title OP. Forget Jane. What are YOU getting from this relationship. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated in this appalling by your DH. Jane is the red herring here.

Not sure I understand your comments about giving up your career - you can't have had much of one at all if you've been moving for ten years at 31, surely you were still at law school at 21? Do you mean you gave up entry-level work that would have led to something more? I imagine you had the potential to pursue a career and I expect this is what you need to do now.

My lifelong best friend had a similar problem with her DH’s best female friend. They grew up together, school, college etc., always there in the background, she also married but they would meet for lunches, dinners, group getaways without their partners. My friend tolerated and even quite liked the best friend. After kids and being married 25 years, the best friends DH died suddenly. Three months later my friends DH left her and moved in with his best friend, ‘who needed him’.

1. Find out who has been into your medical records. No accusations. Just get the information.
2. Gather all the financial records of your family as well as any documents proving your ownership of the home, joint accounts etc. Make sure you have an emergency fund that is not in his reach. Just in case.
3. Start reaching out to your contacts in law and think about restarting your career. In law.
4. Find a legal representative and discuss your options and your rights if you divorce. Is there a possibility that Jane's armchair diagnosis of BPD is a play to portray you as an unfit mother? Document, document, document. Protect yourself. Get your ducks in a row.
5. Once your ducks are in a row, stop putting up with this nonsense. He may not be having a physical affair but this is certainly an emotional affair, no matter what he says. Jane is his primary pair-bond and you are just the service worker who provides the children and the housekeeper and ensures his life is kept in order while he makes multiple international moves (that prevent you from having your own career or source of regular income). Your mutual friends are dropping you and just inviting him to weddings? How much do you want to bet he and Jane spend all their time together at these weddings, with lots of backhanded negativity about you to make sure these "friends" never invite you and your dh out as a couple. Just a wild guess but it sounds like he has quietly made you the other woman in your own marriage.
6. Prepare for an exit. He does not respect you and likely never will. If you stop accepting his bad behavior, he may very well file for divorce and try his best to ensure you are left in penury. He hasn't treated you well up to this point. Why would he start now?

OP later said she worked for a large firm that allowed her to change offices within the UK as her husband’s job moved around and then she gave up work to raise young kids when they moved to California when her husband had a major promotion. I believe that was only a couple of years ago.

Oh hell no.
Before I thought she sounded toxic and manipulative but this is something else.

Reading your posts, op, it's like there are three of you in your marriage and that can't continue. Your husband needs to establish boundaries between him & her, it just doesn't sound like he'd be willing to do so.

I'm sorry to say it but this sounds like a "her or me" situation, I just don't see how it can continue

I could never forgive my husband for discussing me in that way with someone else. I’m so sorry OP.

To add, at some point you may want to consider making a professional complaint about her. I don't believe it's remotely appropriate for a mh nurse to be making armchair diagnosis on the basis of complaints from your husband, and her sticking her oar into your marriage. I would consider reporting it.

Also lots of people with EUPD raise children without any social services input. There are way more people with emotional intensity, or traits, than Mumsnet imagine. And yes it’s commonly mistaken for ADHD because of the stigma of ‘personality disorders’.

Why are you putting up with this treatment? You are clearly not valued in your marriage and Jane is far more important to your DH

Interesting. A lot of women with diagnoses of BPD have been discovered to actually have ASD.

You’re an intelligent woman - why are you putting up with this?

It sounds like you now live near family? I’d return to your high flying law career, use childcare if needed and regain some confidence and independence. Your marriage won’t survive this, you need to start thinking about yourself.

You don’t need a man and Jane telling you how to live. Take back the power. Get a job, tell husband he either starts having your back or you’re leaving. And mean it.

This

Whatever it is he’s doing, he certainly isn’t doing it for you…

This I'm afraid OP.

Get rid before he drives you completely crazy.

He is a disloyal prick.

What is the situation with housing, finances and work?

Get copies of all paperwork.
Get legal advice.
Document everything he has said carefully.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.

I would completely focus on protecting myself.

IMO your marriage is over.
I couldn't ever come back from such disloyalty.

Protect yourself carefully.
Get back to work asap.

Has she a professional body?
Report her racism and language if you can.
Whatva disloyal arsehole you married.

Tell family and friends the truth.

Jane has no real credibility except with your husband. She's a mental health nurse who uses racist language and oversteps professional boundaries and ethics by diagnosing you with a personality disorder when she hasn't seen you for years. I mean, that's wild.

And that's who your husband believes. Honestly, leave him to it. He's as racist as she is, he's just hidden it better. But someone who isn't racist and is married to a WOC and has mixed children would not be hanging around, much less be besties with a racist. And that's going to hurt your kids. Just like he hurt your dog by not believing you. He's a nasty piece of work.

I wouldn't even give him a her or me ultimatum. He's vile all on his own, she just helps bring out the worst in him. Leave them to it and remake your life.

@CFornot123 if my DH had ever had a Jane, he'd never have had me as his wife.

If they aren't together physically, they are emotionally. If anyone in this relationship is unstable and/or toxic, it isn't you.

Keep the bunnies locked up!

It sounds like your husband has been telling his friends a load of shit about you. I wound t be suprised if his hasn’t “diagnosed” you, but more that he’s been presenting you in a certain way not only to his childhood best friend. It also your other friends. Hence why you weren’t invited to the wedding.

My logic is. If he is capable of presenting you on a totally differently way to how you actually are, explaining things in a way it didn’t happen, twisting your words, then he can do the same with other people in his life. How do you know he isn’t lying about the “diagnosis”.

It sounds to me like he’s laying ground work to have everyone convinced your some kind of over emotional crazy woman, and it sounds like he also is trying to convince you if that too. Gaslighting is a very over used term but some of what you describe sounds like he wants you to think you’re crazy and question yourself.

What you say about the dog makes him sound dangerous. Im sorry but it does. I’d be worried he’d do the same if you or your child had an accident that needed medical care. Why didn’t you inspect the dog for wounds and take it to the vets yourself? That isn’t intended to be a loaded question, and you don’t have to answer, but if the answer is, he wouldn’t let you, then I’d really try and direct all the finger pointing and anger at her for overstepping, and look at the man your share your life with and consider if he’s safe to be with, animal abuse is often a red flag, refusing medical treatment and leaving the poor dog to suffer makes me think he would minimise your suffering and deny you and your child support and help.

Have you noticed he’s lack of compassion and accusations of you being dramatic ramped up after you had his child?