AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

What are your career options op, because I’d want to take the kids and go. How dare he, the disloyal emotional affair having self focussed absolute twunt. I’d have no more sacrifices left in me, get me a decent job and fuck him off and he can move for his high flying job knowing he’ll never see his kids again unless he gets himself on a plane and goes to visit them.

And what is wrong with your husband? The fool.

This Jane sounds an absolute troublemaker. So you could say to your DH her or me. And I woukdnt blame you for doing that.

Or say she's your friend. She isn't my friend and I don't want yo hear any more about her. If I've got a medical problem I'll see my GP. I dont need advice from her. Dont engage with her at all.

Diversity? Reaching you in your world at all??

Your DH is a prick.

If you never saw the wedding invitation I suspect you WERE invited but your DH has lied to you.

I don't understand how you believe a single word that comes out of his mouth, I honestly don't. Take your blinkers off and really really think about what his behaviour is saying. Does he act like a loyal, loving husband?

I actually think his behaviour is abusive. Saying you have BPD? Who the fuck does he think he is.

I don't think OP can do this to any good effect. She's already lost her so-called husband. He and Jane will simply interpret any pushback as evidence of her emotional dysregulation.

Your husband neither likes nor respects you, @CFornot123. He's slotted you into a 'problem' role, which he can complain about at length to the ever-attentive Jane. I'd bet my last pound she truly understands him, unlike the malfunctioning domestic appliance he now sees you as.

With some people, this is a template - a schema, psychologists call it - that evolved in early adulthood and will never change. He's quite likely to do it to his next wife - who will probably not be Jane. Have you talked to her husband about her intense relationship with your H? I wonder how he feels about it.

This is not a good marriage, he is not a good partner. If you allowed this to continue, he'd eventually undermine you to the point where you felt this was all you deserved. It is not. You are FAR too good for him!

Please don't put up with this crap. Get back on top of your professional game, line up your ducks and divorce the fucker with as much dignity (yours) and damage (his) as possible. Forget about Jane, she's a waste of your emotional resources.

Go forward 💪

Forget Jane.
You are not married to her.
She is not important.
You have a husband problem.
Diverting your annoyance on to Jane may be some form of defence mechanism.
What kind of a man accepts a wedding invitation where his wife is not included even if it is only as a plus one. This sort of thing has been going on so long that you don't properly notice it.
Time to put your own interests first.
All the best.

Sadly, it does look that way, and this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

A previous poster suggested setting up marriage guidance to give this a shot, but also get your ducks in a row as a back and that sounds sensible.

As he values the opinions of professionals so much over yours, maybe the MG can get him to see how odious a betrayal it is for him to discuss your mental health with someone like Jane and come back up to tell you their pompous and undermining conclusions.

Jane sounds extremely cunning and knows full well that having accused you of mental disorder, you would be furious but also would want to hold back from expressing that fury for fear of any emotional outburst being pointed out as proof that you are mentally unstable.... that's so horrible. She's an arch manipulator.

I also think she said something to your friend the groom that made him only invite DH and her. Did she go as DH's plus one? I bet she suggested that to help him cut the guest numbers and said that you wouldn't mind.

Sorry OP this is a horrible situation for you to be in x

I'd, quite frankly, tell DH very calmly that he and Jane can fuck off.

I'd tell him to never share any of your personal information with Jane ever again as it was a gross overstep.

I'm so sorry, they've both been so out of order.

WHY OH WHY DID YOU GIVE UP YOUR LAW CAREER TO “FOLLOW YOUR HUSBAND”?

Never be dependent on a man.

Oh for god’s sake, a woman pausing work or working part-time while the kids are small works out very well for many couples, even if it sometimes goes wrong for some women. Saying women should never ever do it is just ridiculous and victim-blaming.

It’s not even a real fucking problem, as if they divorce and he’s high-earning, that will be considered in the settlement. At 31 with several years as a lawyer under her belt, she will be perfectly capable of re-entering the profession when she wants to do so.

Also, you don’t know if she has savings or investments or other sources of help. FWIW my ex fucked me over financially during our relationship but four years on I’m in a better position than he is.

Do you have a Solicitor? Because you think you need one. Be very careful, because he may possibly be planning on leaving, and saying he believes you’re BPD/EUPD to destabilise you. The fact he doesn’t respect you, tells us all we need to know about him. Going to a wedding that you’re not invited when they’re your friends too is very odd behaviour. Are you on Facebook? If you are, have a look for Zawn or Liberating Motherhood on Substack. Kaitlyn Jorgensen is great on Instagram too, she advises women on the language to use in family court, and with high conflict men after separation. Start documenting incidents like this in a journal, and get a job asap. Sending hugs. He’s the ar*ehole.

I completely agree. My ex husband did the same. Set the stage to yell everyone i was “crazy” He was believed by a lot of people, despite there being zero evidence to support his claims. Misogyny is rife, people are more than happy to believe women are “crazy”

That’s great for you.

However, it didn’t work out so well for 99% of women on this recent thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5535683-warning-for-younger-mums-about-finances-and-career-sacrifice-in-divorce

Also, OP didn’t say she “paused” her career.

She said:
“I gave up my career to move to California with him”

Theres a big difference.

Calling someone the N word is not racist, since when? That’s a bold claim. Unfortunately it’s also historically, linguistically and morally illiterate. Saying the "N‑word isn’t racist" is the kind of take that tells me everything I need to know about the person saying it.

@CFornot123 Your husband needs to understand that her making racist comments without him shutting her down forcefully, shows his lack of respect for you and showcases how he cares more for her feelings than yours. This is woefully bad behaviour on his part.

Infact, I have posted on her earlier about what my take on this is but I am truly furious for you. For me this behaviour could potentially be marriage ending, certainly a major shot over the bow with major corrective behaviour needed by him, including cutting Jane off if your marriage is to survive.

I'd be getting as much evidence of her "diagnosis" as I could and if you do chose to leave I would report her unprofessionalism. I'd also be getting my financial ducks in a row.

I read the first couple of pages of that thread and

a) it doesn’t read to me that most respondents are completely fucked over by that choice, just that they took a hit,

b) many women on that thread had been out of work for a full working life rather than where the OP is now,

c) many women on that thread made a far wider range of mistakes than just stopping work and

d) you’re still ignoring the fact that for many people it works much better than two parents working full time with kids in nursery from a young age.

Ok mate. Keep telling yourself whatever it is you need to hear.

Did you ever behave in a way that would make her think you had borderline personality disorder when you were around her?
Because if not she's basing it on what he's been telling her, she didn't pluck it from the sky.

I just can’t see past him attending a wedding of a mutual friend without you. If my husband did this I’d be terribly hurt! And him leaving the country for 10 days unannounced to discuss his career options with Jane when he got made redundant or whatever it was. Or the dog thing! This is not the behaviour of a loving husband. If he’s so easily led by Jane, let them have each other… you sound super nice OP and I hope this eventually works out well for you xx

Is every other woman in their 30s undergoing am ADHD diagnosis these days?

The trouble is, people with personality disorders are most often the last to know, and some never believe it.

First of all she needs to be told to fuck right off out your family and life the interfering little madam and as for him he can stay or fuck tight off with her .It's a simple choice ,how fucking dare she .

It is emotional abuse and he using her in it. Please consider leaving if you can. He is trying to destroy your sense of self. She sounds vile but is being fed what he is telling her. I felt sick reading what you had written and I am sorry you are going through this.

Fuck the fuck off. BPD is chronically over diagnosed in neurodivergent women who do not have a diagnosis. Very few people actually have personality disorders, it is just misdiagnosis and morons saying everyone is a narcissist

Maybe a sensible, not all-caps approach is to counsel women that if they are going to be a SAHM or take a career break to raise kids, they need to make sure they have made strong provisions to protect their financial security first, instead of just screaming at people like they are idiots to have made a choice that works out great for many families… mate.