To feel jealous of other single parents

[INeedIce]

I know this might make me sound awful, but does anyone else ever feel a bit jealous of single parents whose exes are actually involved with the kids?

I don’t know anyone else in real life whose children’s other parent has no involvement at all and it makes me feel very lonely. Most of the single parents I know have some shared care, so they get a night or two to themselves every week and can share the responsibility a bit. They tell me how much they look forward to the weekend as they need a break etc.

One friend has just come back from a week away without the kids, and another has a child-free holiday booked for the summer. Meanwhile, Ive never had a night off because I don’t have anyone to have the children.

I absolutely love my kids and wouldn’t change them for the world, but being the only parent 24/7 is exhausting. It sometimes feels like my own life is on hold until they’re grown up. Dating, hobbies, weekends away, all of that just feels out of reach.

I know people will say “just get a babysitter”, but I’m not really comfortable leaving my children with someone they (or I) don’t know. None of my friends or family use babysitters like that either and I wouldn’t be able to relax or enjoy myself. On top of that, I don’t get any maintenance, so paying for a sitter as well as a night out just isn’t realistic financially and not something I could afford.

I’m not looking for advice or telling I’m doing anything wrong. I just wondered if anyone else is in the same position and understands how it feels sometimes.

How do you expect the logistics to work for a solo parent to offer to babysit someone else's children, when she still has to look after her own?

Unless she volunteers to have a mass sleepover at her own home, which is much more stressful than going to sit quietly on someone else's sofa while they go out for the evening...

I was a totally solo (widowed) parent and had to pay for occasional babysitters until my oldest was responsible enough to be left with my youngest (I was lucky to be able to afford to do that).

And for about a decade the longest time I had away from my DC was about two nights, which took a huge amount of logistical planning and relying on favours from friends. It is tough, and the OP has my sympathies.

I’m sure these comments mean well but it’s not really the point is it?

I understand,, OP, the tiredness and the lack of adult company. My stress at ds being admitted to paed ICU and ex saying he'd had a drink, couldn't drive, and he was sure I could cope. But if I'm honest, I have learned to be glad that ex has very little to do with ds.
The traits that he exhibited after ds was born and he thought he'd 'trapped' me, are nothing I want ds to copy.

Instead, his laziness has meant I have taken every decision from schooling to pocket money, to diet and care. I have succeeded in keeping ds away from ex's ghastly interfering new woman and her dirty house and dodgy values.

Ds is lovely. He's hard working, responsible, funny, kind, and off to uni to read engineering in the autumn, despite ex's attempts to persuade him it isn't worth it.

Well done OP for being the best parent. You'll do a much better job on your own. xx

You're right, OP didn't ask for advice.
I have a thread where I just wanted to vent and the well-meaning advice was mostly not appreciated.

I apologise for pressing the issue. You didn't ask for advice.

But a 14 year old is perfectly able to stay indoors while you go out and do something for yourself whereas a 4 year old is not

Multiple ages? SEN?

Oh ffs the SEN obsession on here.

A REGULAR RUN OF THE MILL bloody 14 year old.

Why everytime someone says a kid is old enough to do something doe people have to go on about SEN. here. ??

As for multiple ages, my DD1 used to babysit DS at 15

IKR - it's getting to the stage where we'll all need to qualify a person e.g.
DS (17 no SEN).

I think if someone says DS (17) we can assume they are NT and don't have disabilities, or if they do that they are not relevant to whatever the discussion is about. If a child does have SEN and it's relevant to the discussion then state it up front.

The people I know have younger kids than me, ones just spent a week abroad with her new partner (im sure she was devastated 😌) mine would have to be adults before I got to do that. Which is a long time! It really isn’t just the odd hour here or there, thats not the same at all is it? mine aren’t old enough to be left alone.

sometimes the odd hour almost makes it worse!

Do you enjoy your work, OP? I know it's not the same for everyone, but over the years I was on my own I found that my work amd study gave me a chance to be "me" and not just mum.

No I don’t really enjoy my job, im on my feet all day and it isn’t a break. Dont get me wrong I love being a mum but I just feel like I’d be so much happier with an involved Co parent.

I have ten years gap between my kids and I’ve done/am doing it both ways- dad not around at all and 50/50 shared care (different dads) and it is completely different. I do understand completely.

I feel the same way, I’ve been widowed 5
years too. My youngest two are mid to late teens now but it still comes with its own logistics.
I am still the default Parent for absolutely everything, from lifts to money, emotional support too and with no partner or parents or siblings to help me it’s so lonely and isolating.

lots of couples with kids the same age as me are happily getting their lives back, holidaying, day trips but I can’t ever have a day off or night off as I’m always on duty