To feel jealous of other single parents

[INeedIce]

I know this might make me sound awful, but does anyone else ever feel a bit jealous of single parents whose exes are actually involved with the kids?

I don’t know anyone else in real life whose children’s other parent has no involvement at all and it makes me feel very lonely. Most of the single parents I know have some shared care, so they get a night or two to themselves every week and can share the responsibility a bit. They tell me how much they look forward to the weekend as they need a break etc.

One friend has just come back from a week away without the kids, and another has a child-free holiday booked for the summer. Meanwhile, Ive never had a night off because I don’t have anyone to have the children.

I absolutely love my kids and wouldn’t change them for the world, but being the only parent 24/7 is exhausting. It sometimes feels like my own life is on hold until they’re grown up. Dating, hobbies, weekends away, all of that just feels out of reach.

I know people will say “just get a babysitter”, but I’m not really comfortable leaving my children with someone they (or I) don’t know. None of my friends or family use babysitters like that either and I wouldn’t be able to relax or enjoy myself. On top of that, I don’t get any maintenance, so paying for a sitter as well as a night out just isn’t realistic financially and not something I could afford.

I’m not looking for advice or telling I’m doing anything wrong. I just wondered if anyone else is in the same position and understands how it feels sometimes.

I’ve been a single parent for many years but with no time off i wouldn't be able to date anyway, so even if I met someone I wouldn’t be able to date. Im not a newly single parent sorry if it sounded that way.

My dh and I hard having a temporary split which has turned from 2 weeks to 6 weeks and he hasn't really had them by himself for more than an hour in all that time. I am gobsmacked as I thought he was a much more involved parent than that!!! Mine are 10-14 and 2 are autistic. I wouldn't exactly say it is relaxing but I am treasuing the time with them when noone is arguing. It is actually gorgeous.

I do have a good network of friends though so that helps.

I actually think this is quite patronising and unhelpful. OP specifically said she didn't want advice and I'm confident that she didn't want your opinion on whether her home life is "healthy".

Some people have no choice but to be a 24/7 parent and personally i dont think its a particularly bad way to live. I spend a LOT of time with my DC and could have more nights off etc but I enjoy their company and we are a close family.

There's nothing "unhealthy" about sacrificing some social life in order to be a present parent. Would you prefer her to be fobbing them off on neighbours every Friday to go down the pub or out on tinder dates?

The novelties worn off for me 🤣

It did 50 50 care of my DS from 4. But in reality we had virtually done it since he was born as we never lived together although had been in a relationship for 10 years.

I was perfectly happy with that scenario. Mind you DS had never ever knownn anything different so he didn't automatically want " mummy"

I’d love it not gonna lie but then im very much of the opinion dads should be equally involved I don’t think I’d have been happy with every other weekend but I can understand why some would find it hard.

Be careful what you wish for…

When I got pregnant with DS i made it perfectly clear that if I was to continue with the pregnancy he had to be fully involved, even if we split up. And involved meant having DS on his own, at his own house so I wasn't around to " take over"

Did this after my DDS dad was a useless fecjer who did nothing for them when we were together and basically tried to forget they existed after we split. To the extent of telling his mother to forget she had grandchildren. Was not going to sleepwalk into that again

Can you work compressed hours and get one day free. That is ment to be your "me" day but eventually turns into chore day? The novelty of that is great while it last?

I work part-time and my ex see dc randomly. When he comes, he see them for few hours and then disappears for months, week or days? Which one will it be? Take a guess. He calls ds1 who is 12yr and make arrangements with him. Like one of his f friends.

I can't fully understand as I have traded free childcare with my mom for the price of no privacy. The dc love her, I am however, losing my patience.

I’m a 100% solo parent and I know exactly what you mean! There are benefits to it though, like not having to say goodbye X number of days per week which would kill me

I’d pack their bags 🤣

All my single mums friends love it and look forward to their break, it’s genuinely only online I’ve seen women saying they hate it and would find it hard. My single mum friends count down the hours till the weekend when kids are off with their dad

My DD's ex isn't involved, but I've co-parented at times and my eldest helps out a lot. It isn't just their father that isn't involved, but another half of the children's family. It's extremely tough being the only carer.

I was a totally single parent for over 12 years, DS was under 1 when ex left. It was tough and I sympathise. However it does get easier, they grow up and can be left for a while as they get older. I was lucky in that I had 2 and DD is 7 years older than DS, so once she got to an appropriate age she could babysit.

Also I doubt your ex is a good person if he can completely walk away from his children. Would you really want his influence on your DCs lives?

I definitely hear you, your situation is tough and relentless and I get it. I’m one of the ones whose ex sees the kids every other weekend.

it definitely helps me keep my sanity in terms of I use that time to catch up on work (clearly he isn’t an equal parent in the work week, only weekend time - so I get behind) go to the gym for my mental health and just get to not hear my name every 5 minutes.

But to clear a few things up for you…. I don’t date at all. I have done a bit of it but I personally didn’t find a man who was patient enough to only see me every other weekend. The last man I was seeing (prob 4 years ago) said ‘you just don’t have time for me’ - he was right, I didn’t. So in all honesty EOW is not sufficient free time to form a relationship in my experience.

Also I do feel I need to clarify that the ‘break’ of a co-parent taking over for a weekend isn’t always worth it. My youngest in particular often comes back hungry, tired, hair clearly not brushed for 2 days, in the same clothes I sent her in, HW not done etc. there are times I’d rather she’d been with me and I hadn’t had that space bc of the effort of getting her back on an even keel again. So the grass is not always as green as it looks.

Tbf as mentioned I don’t think I’d be happy with only every other weekend. It’s crap thats considered the default.

I agree
plenty of women stay with horrible partners for whatever reasons but it takes guts to leave and do it alone.
I have a couple of friends who are single parents and I try to help them if I can.

@INeedIce
Packing them off to dad for the weekend (and not sure if you mean EOW or every weekend) is VERY different from 50/50 though. Both emotionally and financially.

We are here OP - just knackered!
It does get easier.
It’s hard but I feel pride that I’ve raised 2 marvellous young men.

I am not in the same position but two of my friends are widows and it is crushingly hard. I feel for you OP - go gently on yourself.
If it is at all possible to pay a babysitter (maybe from the local nursery or a TA at school) so you can still see friends and have a social life I think it might be an important investment in your future happiness xx

The benefit is no interference. My single mum friends and I often debate is it worse to be going it alone, but all the decisions are yours or having to share custody with a knob who makes things as difficult as possible. One way you get autonomy, the other you get a break.

Obviously the ideal is a brilliant relationship with your ex who genuinly cares about you and the kids, has them reliably every other weekend and half the holidays and still and helps financially, practically and emotionally. But this is very, very rare...

I get no maintenance, I’d be far better off doing 50/50

If you get to know a babysitter use regularly they will no longer be a stranger. Same as school teacher is stranger on day one.

I wouldn’t let a stranger from online come in my house to look after my cats never mind my kids. I don’t judge anyone that does and needs must im just far too anxious for that. I wouldn’t have the money anyway. Maybe if it was more normal in my social circle I’d feel different but I don’t know anyone that would do that. Even my mum was a single parent to 6 of us and she never left us with anyone as she had no help.

It has its benefits like not having to worry about someone else’s opinion on any decisions. But yes 5 years in without a break other than for work is tiring. I still remember my friend visiting when my child was 4 months old and randomly saying to me “now you know what it’s been like for me and none of our friends have offered to babysit”. I was just thinking you have a partner and parents that take your child multiple times a week so it’s in no way comparable. I don’t think people not in the situation understand that some people literally have no child free time.