To feel jealous of other single parents

[INeedIce]

I know this might make me sound awful, but does anyone else ever feel a bit jealous of single parents whose exes are actually involved with the kids?

I don’t know anyone else in real life whose children’s other parent has no involvement at all and it makes me feel very lonely. Most of the single parents I know have some shared care, so they get a night or two to themselves every week and can share the responsibility a bit. They tell me how much they look forward to the weekend as they need a break etc.

One friend has just come back from a week away without the kids, and another has a child-free holiday booked for the summer. Meanwhile, Ive never had a night off because I don’t have anyone to have the children.

I absolutely love my kids and wouldn’t change them for the world, but being the only parent 24/7 is exhausting. It sometimes feels like my own life is on hold until they’re grown up. Dating, hobbies, weekends away, all of that just feels out of reach.

I know people will say “just get a babysitter”, but I’m not really comfortable leaving my children with someone they (or I) don’t know. None of my friends or family use babysitters like that either and I wouldn’t be able to relax or enjoy myself. On top of that, I don’t get any maintenance, so paying for a sitter as well as a night out just isn’t realistic financially and not something I could afford.

I’m not looking for advice or telling I’m doing anything wrong. I just wondered if anyone else is in the same position and understands how it feels sometimes.

Hi OP! I'm a completely solo parent and apprentice what you are experiencing. I don't think it is a case of doing anything 'right' or 'wrong'. I am now (nearly) 11 years in and starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel in terms of starting to rely slightly less on childcare and being able to do (slightly) more. I have benefitted from a couple of really nice mum friends locally who share opportunities to host the odd sleepover/ day activity. I also got my child involved in a few different hobbies which now tend to run in the evening giving me some bandwidth to exercise or go for a drink with a friend. I'm not sure if I will try and date or not, but I can now see a future with more opportunities to rebuild my social life / commitments. It is very very hard (even with a fairly easy child) but it does get better over time. Good luck and take care.

Sorry appreciate not apprentice!

Do you offer to babysit for your friends then ask them to reciprocate so you can go out with other friends?

Not healthy to be nothing but a 24/7 Mum.

Yes they don’t want to as their exes are involved so dont need to but thanks for the suggestion

I'm a single parent with no input from ex or his family (I actually don't even know where they are) no maintenance, my family aren't in the country, I have zero childcare.

It's hard. I understand completely.
I have no friends in the same situation at all. I know a couple of women whose exes have the children every other weekend, or who have their own family to help. And I do get envious.

Mostly I get angry that my life is this and my ex gets to walk off and do what he wants! I love my daughter, but it's so hard.

Not healthy to be nothing but a 24/7 Mum.

Well, lots of us don't have an alternative.

Healthier than reading some of the awful posts on here about dead-beat dads.

Have you made any friends through your kids school ?
Could you share play dates etc . (Just to get a few hours off).
X

Thanks im glad it’s not just me but sorry you are in the same situation. People mention friends but I can’t expect people to have my kids for me so I can have a life, they’d help in an emergency but thats it. It’s not the same as having the father around.

For some of us we have no choice but be a Mum 24/7.

Especially if your a SP, Exdh not involved, family no supportive/local etc.
Or if your dc a few dc or the dc have needs.

I am a widow, my DH died 5 years ago so I have been solo-parenting since then (and for 3 years previous to that when he was ill). yes, it is very lonely and a real logistical, emotional and practical challenge that never stops. My DC are a bit older now (young teens), and it comes with new challenges, but they are getting more independent (which also has its downsides - I see all my friends experiencing the same, slowly getting their life back, but with their partners).
It's easy to suggest, go out, find friends etc, but I have no energy or time (work full-time) to do this. It is very hard to accept that this is my life.
The upside is that the relationship I have with my DC is very close and we do treasure each other. But the loneliness for close adult company on a daily basis is very hard to cope with. I just try not to think too much about the future, which is hard.

It gets easier over time (as they get older and more independent) but its hard and always will be. I remember the most lonely bits were making the big decisions alone and no-one to bounce ideas off such as which nursery or school or health care related issues. Dc are now late teens /adults now and it can still be difficult at times but many things are easier.
When my youngest hit 5 and was at school I remember thinking I cant keep going on like this so on my working days when I finished at 5pm instead of going to collect from the childminder I started doing little things like having a cup of tea and reading a book for 45 minutes or popping to the gym for a 45min run. Dc didn't really notice and it gave me some time to myself (not much but it helped after I stopped feeling guilty about picking them up later).
Mine couldn't have a babysitter as 2 have medical problems so my only time away from them was the childminder (who was trained to look after them). So my only break was work or my quick gym visits. My ex has no relationship with dc, he'll be the one that misses out. When dc1 turned 18 he said 'well you alone got me to adulthood in one piece thank you'. You'll be able to say that one day. You'll be the one who has a good relationship with dc, who will experience the highs and lows of adulthood with them. You reap what you sow and your dc will know who loves them.
When mine were young on my bad days I'd tell myself well at least I haven't got to split celebrations with an ex or not have dc with me half the week. Or have continuous issues with a Disney dad. I'd reflect that a present dad would be best for dc but an absent dad is better than a half hearted dad in the long run.
Yes its harder, no its not fair but you do the best you can with what you have and you will come out the other end.

Thank you but mine are slightly older and I feel like it’s getting harder with time or im just getting older and more stressed and less tolerant carrying it all for so long.

Thank you and im sorry for your loss. Yes I have had lots of well meaning suggestions of going out and finding friends but it’s not always that easy especially when for me the school has been quite cliquey. (My kids joined half way through and I have found it hard to establish any friendships there)

OP I think it's only natural to feel envious when you're not getting any help and you see others having a break! You're only human and it's incredibly hard to be a single parent with no support.

How old are your children? Could you look at maybe finding an older sensible teenager to mind them for a few hours in the evening so you could go out and stay local so you could nip home if needed? There's plenty of 17/18 year old students who'd be happy to earn a few quid - you could advertise for students at your local college - there will be students studying for childcare/early years qualifications. Or ask around other mums you know who have older children. My eldest son did quite a few babysitting jobs from about 16 - he has 4 younger brothers and was confident with babies and toddlers as well as older children.

Could grandparents/aunties/uncles have them to stay for a weekend?

Well all I can say is to go very quickly from primary carer of two young children to 50/50 is horrible. 7 days with only one short phone call per week and no other contact is horrible. To come back from work to a silent house is horrible.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

If I was you, I would dedicate your every existence to finding yourself a new relationship male or female, you need some company and you need some support

I don’t get time away from my children so dating isnt an option

thanks but as I said I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving a stranger with them im more just jealous of people that have decent exes.

Im sorry you feel that way. 50/50 would have been my ideal but I can see why others wouldnt want it

I raised my dd on my own but I did have the support of local friends and family who were happy to babysit occasionally.

I was always grateful not to have to share dd with a useless ex, maybe it’s selfish but I liked being the only parent 🙈

It is tough op but it’s not forever, my dd is 20yo now and currently travelling around Australia!

I’m sorry you’re finding it hard.

i am 5 months into my separation and so far H has had DD2 overnight at his place once but she doesn’t like it so won’t go again. He has had her for a few hours on a Sunday sometimes (but not every week). DD1 is autistic and they have a terrible relationship so he has only had her very occasionally when there’s literally been no other option. But I am not going to do this again as she hates it.

it is really hard. I understand the guilt at not wanting to ask other people to have your DC as you can’t reciprocate. I am very lucky in that my best friend has DD1 sometimes (including the odd sleepover) as DD1 loves her. It’s sad that she loves my friend more than her own father.

I am hopeful that in the future it becomes easier but in the mean time I just keep reminding myself that however hard it is, it’s still easier than living with him.

I am trying to take small moments of joy when I can. When the kids are asleep I sit on my balcony for 10 mins - no phone, no book, just me and a beer and the stars. It’s lovely.

Try to take some tiny moment where you can and hopefully in the future you’ll get bigger ones.

But lots of love and support to you.

I can see why other mums feel that way but definitely can’t relate but I guess the difference is having other support like friends and family which i dont

@INeedIce You honestly would - hand on heart - be happy with being away from your 3 yo for 7 days straight at at time. Not temporarily - permanently. Even when they are sick or just wanting their mummy?
OK then.

Mine are older as mentioned so im only commenting on what my ideal would have been. I’d probably feel the same as you if they were tiny.

I wasn’t a completely single parent and had some help but exh was a bit feckless and no notice of when he’d have them etc so couldn’t make any plans. I did get some time off though and can see it’s very hard not to.

i met my current partner through our kids shared activities when neither of us were looking or expected it, so you never know when that might happen for you.

It’s best to have the attitude to enjoy your very precious time with the kids as they grow up so fast. Enjoy it as much as you can and you never know what life has in store for you .