To feel jealous of other single parents

[INeedIce]

I know this might make me sound awful, but does anyone else ever feel a bit jealous of single parents whose exes are actually involved with the kids?

I don’t know anyone else in real life whose children’s other parent has no involvement at all and it makes me feel very lonely. Most of the single parents I know have some shared care, so they get a night or two to themselves every week and can share the responsibility a bit. They tell me how much they look forward to the weekend as they need a break etc.

One friend has just come back from a week away without the kids, and another has a child-free holiday booked for the summer. Meanwhile, Ive never had a night off because I don’t have anyone to have the children.

I absolutely love my kids and wouldn’t change them for the world, but being the only parent 24/7 is exhausting. It sometimes feels like my own life is on hold until they’re grown up. Dating, hobbies, weekends away, all of that just feels out of reach.

I know people will say “just get a babysitter”, but I’m not really comfortable leaving my children with someone they (or I) don’t know. None of my friends or family use babysitters like that either and I wouldn’t be able to relax or enjoy myself. On top of that, I don’t get any maintenance, so paying for a sitter as well as a night out just isn’t realistic financially and not something I could afford.

I’m not looking for advice or telling I’m doing anything wrong. I just wondered if anyone else is in the same position and understands how it feels sometimes.

Try registered childminders ?
Do you trust teachers at school?

Thanks but I don’t want to get into a debate it’s not the same at all as leaving someone alone in your house with your children. School is different theres always loads of staff around and other children, and my kids don’t spend any alone time with any teachers but it’s not a debate i want to get into. I said I couldn’t afford it anyway I get no maintenance i have nothing spare. I’d also resent paying a sitter a fortune just to have a night out thats before the cost of the night.

Yeah I know there’s some benefits but at times ive often wished I had someone to discuss big decisions with, I’ve tried family but they weren’t interested in discussing things

I've lived the OP's life.....

Worst part for me was being on my own once kids were in bed. Stuck in the house with no one to talk to, all household chores complete. Nothing left to do except watch TV or read a book. It was bloody depressing for those hours before I went to bed and every evening seemed to drag on forever.

What saved me was having reciprocal sleepovers ever couple of months with friends kids meaning I could actually leave the house once in a blue moon and do something that didn't revolve around kids.

I didn't find it healthy being nothing but a 24/7 Mum and that was my way of keeping going.

Apologies if me making a suggestion based on my own experience is deemed to be patronising, totally fed up with posters jumping on me these days. The OP replied to me and didn't suggest I had said the wrong thing but presumably you are the MN Police.....

@INeedIce I assume if you get no maintenance father doesn't work. Do you work? I know you said your choldren are older so I assuming they are in school. I know it's not time to yourself in the main, but just a child-free lunch break can help a little. Go for a walk etc...

@INeedIce I actually know two mums who would be more than happy uf their exes weren't involved. One got out of a dv situation and the ex is poisoning her kid against her, lying about everything. The other super ex plays Disney Dad but isn't reliable at all caring for the children ; don't put sunscreen on - kids got burnt, don't make sure kids are hydrated, ignores homework and birthday invitations for the kids, feed them only crap (kids don't complain mind) etc. So not a responsible adult and mum is anxious every time he has them. Not enough neglect proven to get a court order sadly.

So if you think about alternatives then also think about these alternatives. I'm sure you'd rather have your kids 24/7 knowing they are safe rather than being worried about their safety everytime they go to ex's. I appreciate that it's hard though but you talked about family- can't they help out?

Same situation for me though DS is now a teenager. I've solo parented for 14 years.
It is so very frustrating not having time or freedom so I understand. I struggled on and it was so very hard. I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel now that DS is older and actually joined a hobby group recently.
I made friends through a single parents holiday/day trip group and found some people in similar situations which broke up the monotony when DS was younger

I’m not a single parent yet but it is imminent, as DH has cancer. So obviously will be alone.

I am already finding people are backing away. I get lots of ‘oh let’s meet for a drink hun’ () sort of messages, or ’if you need anything …’ but actually they don’t want to meet for a drink and if I do need something hey ask someone else!

I am fairly resigned to it. It’s expected to a point: I do find MN sometimes isn’t realistic about what friends will or won’t do. In a one off emergency people will step up but what they won’t do is replace a spouse.

Hi op I get it. Same here.
i think it’s the relentlessness, and the fact that you get more weary as the years go on. It is grindingly tiring being the only adult to cover the day to day care, manage the admin, make the decisions, manage the finances, book the weekend plans etc….That builds up over the years, and you slowly become exhausted to the bone. Not as in ‘a good night’s sleep will sort this’ but as in ‘I have nothing left to give.’

what I can say is that:

• as they become teens it gets easier in terms of the weariness. You get some headspace back and some windows of time. And the chance to rebuild your life a bit.
• when they go off - I have one at uni - that closeness you’ve built up over the years becomes so apparent. My friends envy me that and I’m so grateful for it.

you’re in the tunnel right now and it sounds like the weariness with the situation has built up over time. But it will get better, I promise. Meanwhile, even a cup of coffee on your own, or just being in a different room on mumsnet or something can help you refill the energy tank a little to help you get through.

My family won’t help no, I’m obviously not comparing it to abusive exes. Obviously kids safety comes first

You’re doing 100% of the work with 50% of the workforce.
Its appalling that women are put in this position with our time and unpaid labour being coerced from us because some selfish waster doesn’t want to do his share. Different if you’re a widow obviously.
I’m not quite in the situation you are OP, my ex moved 400 miles away and sees our child high days and holidays. So never regular enough to plan a life for myself but did give me the odd break from the unrelenting drudgery of full time work plus childcare. One half term I got shingles and the doctor said “your immune system must be entirely depleted”. Yes mate.
Lockdown was in some ways a relief as at least everyone else was also stuck in night after night. When we emerged from that DD was old enough to leave for a couple of hours and things have looked up from there.
Solidarity OP.

I’m sorry to hear that and yes I think mumsnet can be very unrealistic. Friends stopped inviting me places a long time ago as I never get any child free time so now I barely see them and when they don’t have their kids of course they don’t want to be around mine.

Solo parent for years. It’s not about the break necessarily it’s the pressure of being the only provider for absolutely everything. Relentless.

I'm with you on this. Although the "break " is a chance to reset (and the empty house gets easier with time) sometimes co-parenting has its own challenges. My ex is a narcissist so tries to turn the kids against me, and we certainly don't bounce ideas off each other or support each other in any way! In fact, at first all I got back were dysregulated, tired children who had just been fed sugar and crap all weekend, and I had to get them back into my routine. It would be so hard doing it all on my own, I'm not putting down the amazing strength it needs to be a single mum with no breaks, but just saying that co-parenting isn't always better or easier.

I don’t think any is particularly easy but all my mum friends that share parenting are very happy. They have good exes though. There’s no animosity. I just know my mental health would improve massively if I wasn’t parenting alone. My kids get a tired, shouty, miserable, crap, poor, stressed mum. I also don’t view missing kids as a bad thing, it makes you appreciate the time spent together more and kids need other experiences.

Agree.
DS2 is 17, so obviously I get a lot of time to myself now late at night sitting up waiting to collect him.
However, supporting him in everything alongside my own worries is wearying.
I am good guy, bad guy and everything in between, always conscious that if our relationship gets rocky it's going to be very hard.
So far so good.

I should preface this by saying I am a SP but I do get a break now and again when my exh fancies so I’m not in a comparable position.
however what I have found helpful is creating my own village. I have always made an effort with some other mums at the school gates, offered play dates with my kids friends, offered to help them when they needed it.
i do it because i genuinely like helping others but it does have the side effect of they will offer to help me now and again. I don’t take advantage but my kids are 11 and 8 now and I know if I needed help in emergencies, or if my childcare has fallen through. or just someone to have a moan to, they would be there.
i realise if you are working a lot you aren’t doing the school runs and don’t get a chance to meet other parents, BUT if you can do this, it has made a difference to me.

Yeah I did that, I had a friends child all the time, collected him from school, had him so she could go on nights out, even had him once whilst she went on holiday but it was never reciprocated I think some people see it as you get no time off so another one won’t hurt because you are stuck indoors anyway and actually use it to their advantage but she never had my kids and always had some excuse why she couldn’t so I’ve stopped helping out now!

You won't say how old your children are, there's a big difference between a 4yo and a 14yo for example.

I'm very lucky that I've had help from my parents, and also have carers for one of my DS's with special needs that I call on (mainly for when I'm at work, but also the odd night out).

Of course YANBU to feel jealous and want time for yourself. It's physically, mentally and financially exhausting. With no other support for you, unfortunately it's either try to source care or wait for the children to be old enough to leave home alone. I don't love having other people in my house, but it's necessary with DS, and they are all checked out and work for agencies so insurance and everything is sorted.

I think OP's children must be late Primary age? She said they're not tiny, but if they still need sitters then can't be Secondary age.

OP, I used teenage children of my friends as sitters. Sure you have to pay them, but unless you are on the bones of your arse I would say putting yourself first is a priority now and again.

Why are you not getting any maintenance?

I don’t think the age matters, I would far more likely want to spend time with a 4 year old than a moody grumpy teen I’d happily pack a 14 year old off for the week and see them in 7 days 🤣 I didn’t feel this way when mine were younger I’d have hated being separated from a tiny kid so for me it’s the opposite with age I’d have struggled way more being separated from younger kids. I wouldn’t have wanted their father to take them.

Because he doesn’t work.

He is still required to pay - albeit an insulting amount.
How does he support himself?

I have no contact with him so unfortunately can’t answer that. He doesn’t work or claim any benefits.