AIBU to stop indulging elderly parents' constant complaints and demands?

[CantSayThisToAnyoneElse]

DH and I are in our 50's and have DC. We had them late so they are still at school/ living at home. We have one GP on my side and both my DH's parents are alive.

All 3 of our parents are in their early/ late 80's. They have all had great lives. Bought nice houses, go on loads of holidays, nice restaurants, very sociable, and none of them has ever had anything wrong with them that warranted serious medical intervention. They have lived long, healthy lives.

DH and I (and our siblings) have got to the point where all 3 of their behaviour has become intolerable. Every thing is about them. They are on the phone constantly complaining about their lot, that they see no one (not true!), and weekly visits and phone calls to the GP about every twinge. A lot of it seems to be panic about being old.

My issue is that whilst they are doing everything in paragraph 3, the generations below them are having real issues. I have just had the worst 12 months of my life where both DS and I had to go to numerous hospital appointments for investigations (still not sorted), one of my close family members died (suddenly at 50), and working FT and dealing with family life.

My DH's family are in some parts worse. Their irrational behaviour has always been unbelievably attention seeking since the day I met them 30+ years ago. With their latest misadventure, they have my DH and sibling running round after them like staff. It now turns out that my DH's sibling has some major life issues going on, and is really stressed, but hey, let's not upset the Grandparents!!!!

My AIBU is that last night I told my DH that both my parent, and my in-laws have had the luxury of great, long lives with no illnesses and spare money to splurge on luxuries and don't really have anything to complain about and I am not listening to or tolerating it any more. I really do feel that they cause a lot of stress, and that we (me, my siblings, DH and his sibling) are spending so much time on their comfort, and dealing with their minor issues, that important things are being missed.

AIBU to say to my parent, and my DH to his parents that they are all fit and healthy, and the complaining and demanding behaviour is not being indulged any more. We all are literally on the cusp of nervous breakdowns over their behaviour.

I had some very good therapy for six months which helped me straighten it all out in my head and realise I wasn’t actually helping anyone, least of all myself and my immediate family. They have to come first.

MIL once rang round very distant family 100's miles away to complain she hadn't seen anyone for a month (both sons lived 5 minutes away from her). We were inundated with phone calls from second cousin Bob and Great Aunt Beryl having a go at us 😆.

DH was popping in to see her daily by that point (mid 80's) and we had to basically threaten her that if she ever lies like that again upsetting Bob and Beryl into the bargain that she won't see us for a month!

You have to put your foot down to save your sanity.

Thank you @NattyKnitter116 I have thought about counselling. It's reassuring to hear that it helped you. And sorry you have experience of all this.

I got £100 from a relative for my birthday and was planning to take my 10 year old daughter out to dinner at the local pub. My mum bitched SO MUCH about not inviting her too we didn’t go in the end. So much guilt tripping for wanting to spend time with my kids

Well, we'll have to disagree.

It is hard. I stepped back this wend but then she ring other sisters to do more. Her way or the highway. Its really draining.

An Uncle of mine who had 6 DC (adults) used to say he hadn't seen anyone all day! What he really meant was he hadn't seen anyone who wasn't his family! Everyone understood what he was saying. He wasn't complaining he was commenting when having a conversation. He lived in the countryside..

Absolutely this, my Mum is the same, couldn’t even tell her neighbours what my job title is though as she never asks, but I know what time the neighbour goes to work every morning and what the neighbours kids are doing at uni etc.

You really do have to say no. There is nothing more frustrating than elderly parents who have hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank who refuse to spend anything. It’s their choice, they use their plentiful funds to pay or they go without. Sometimes you really do need to put yourselves first, especially if you’re not young yourselves and have health conditions.

My MIL used to complain she hadn’t seen a ‘living soul’ in weeks. Various relatives had been round constantly, DHs brother had even stayed there for week. She denied it even though she had been on the phone complaining about relatives drinking her coffee.
She just wanted constant sympathy. One of her friends adult children died and she wouldn’t go and see her or give her any sympathy as ‘her husband died’ (6 years earlier).and what about her and her friend should come see her instead.
sometimes it’s a losing battle.

Ive just sent a voice message to my own elderly father to tell him just how much I love and appreciate him and how when he's less capable
ill be here, one of us can move closer or even a big old house together.

But that's because he is wonderful, generous (with his love, support, kindness) and he works hard to not be demanding. Unlike the parents and PIL on this thread.

No one is owed your time and support.

I have posted this numerous times on numerous threads, but WHY is it that an elderly relative knows everything about Beryl’s sister’s niece from Leighton Buzzard whilst knowing absolutely nothing about their own dc or gc. I simply don’t get it. Why are other people able to talk and be listened to but your own dc… nah - fingers in ears.

Or the pointless top trumps. Eg “Mil, we’ve been selected to be the first family to live on the moon.” Pause. “Mmmm, Brenda’s son is going on one of those fly drives.”

This is not normal behaviour.
How sad you have tolerated it for so long.
Such people care for no one but themselves.
They are vampires.

You don't owe them this.
Stop taking the phone calls every day.

Move to once a week for 30 minutes or less.
They are spoiling your life and adding stress.

That phone call during your holiday should have been that last one for an extended period.

Drop the rope and stop caring.
They really don't care about you.

I think of it as the effects of Reverse Puberty.

Your 10 year old batters your ears with Minecraft Monologues
Your elderly relatives batter your ears with “Beryl’s cousin’s dog’s dog sitter has a polyp ”

It was so much fun when MIL was living with us cataloging the medical issues of people I didn’t know and DS was Minecraft obsessed.

Where were noise cancelling headphones when I needed them most ! 😅

These types can often be trained with a strategic system of incentives and disincentives. Or if you can't be bothered with that just make vague noises but don't actually inconvenience yourself in any way.

Been there, done that, KnittyKnotty

My exH, who'd been visiting his mother in hospital every day, once came home to a phone call from his cousin, yelling at him that he never saw her, and worse that I was stopping him from going (no need to guess who'd told him this)

Sadly this ugly behaviour eventually became known by all and she died without friends around, even those she'd had all her life

My mum used to be like that about holidays because her neighbour went on every holiday her adult children went on. However, she later found out that the neighbour was paying for everything, they just saw her as a cash cow. So now she says we should do as many trips as we can while we are young and fit enough.

I do go to see her fairly often because friends are dropping like flies and she doesn't have that many people to do things with anymore so she just likes having my company to go for coffee and lunch etc every few weekends (I live about 3 hours away).

I did once tell my mum that she was getting very boring telling me about neighbours and neighbours' relatives and friends I didn't know. It didn't go down well but it did get better.

You have clearly been indulging them for far too long already, OP.
So stop it now, or it will only get worse.
Stop answering the phone calls - maybe agree a time to speak once a week?
Stop going round every time they ask.
Put in the boundaries that you should have put in 20 years ago.

Why do you have to visit her @exhaustedpickle ? She's in a safe place - why does she need a visit? Look at what people are saying to the OP about boundaries......

@Exhaustedpickle I hope you’re enjoying your Saturday. You deserve it 🥂🎶💐

This puzzles me about some relatives of mine too - given they know nothing about what we're up to because they never want to talk about us, why do they know (and repeat) the life stories of every single one of their children of their ramblers' group? I can only conclude that during these walks they all just monologue at each other in something roughly approximately turn, and that they probably do go on about us but probably (given that I don't think they know, for instance, what my job is) quite inaccurately! So Geoff and Sue's poor children are probably being regaled with not just entirely irrelevant but essentially fictional facts about us...

To be fair, they are much more interested in the children, so may just monologue about how exceptional they are, which is also inaccurate but I can get behind a bit more!

I really am, thanks @TamarindCottage 😊 For the first time in a long time I don’t feel exhausted today and I don’t think it’s a coincidence!

@Exhaustedpickle perhaps you should consider only visiting every other week and to limit how much time you spend with your mum. Your mental state is important too

Are they panicking about dying? It can't be relaxing to think you don't have long to live , amazing past life or not. I hope I am an amazingly cheerful and content old person but the odds are against a lot of us when you think about it.