AIBU to stop indulging elderly parents' constant complaints and demands?

[CantSayThisToAnyoneElse]

DH and I are in our 50's and have DC. We had them late so they are still at school/ living at home. We have one GP on my side and both my DH's parents are alive.

All 3 of our parents are in their early/ late 80's. They have all had great lives. Bought nice houses, go on loads of holidays, nice restaurants, very sociable, and none of them has ever had anything wrong with them that warranted serious medical intervention. They have lived long, healthy lives.

DH and I (and our siblings) have got to the point where all 3 of their behaviour has become intolerable. Every thing is about them. They are on the phone constantly complaining about their lot, that they see no one (not true!), and weekly visits and phone calls to the GP about every twinge. A lot of it seems to be panic about being old.

My issue is that whilst they are doing everything in paragraph 3, the generations below them are having real issues. I have just had the worst 12 months of my life where both DS and I had to go to numerous hospital appointments for investigations (still not sorted), one of my close family members died (suddenly at 50), and working FT and dealing with family life.

My DH's family are in some parts worse. Their irrational behaviour has always been unbelievably attention seeking since the day I met them 30+ years ago. With their latest misadventure, they have my DH and sibling running round after them like staff. It now turns out that my DH's sibling has some major life issues going on, and is really stressed, but hey, let's not upset the Grandparents!!!!

My AIBU is that last night I told my DH that both my parent, and my in-laws have had the luxury of great, long lives with no illnesses and spare money to splurge on luxuries and don't really have anything to complain about and I am not listening to or tolerating it any more. I really do feel that they cause a lot of stress, and that we (me, my siblings, DH and his sibling) are spending so much time on their comfort, and dealing with their minor issues, that important things are being missed.

AIBU to say to my parent, and my DH to his parents that they are all fit and healthy, and the complaining and demanding behaviour is not being indulged any more. We all are literally on the cusp of nervous breakdowns over their behaviour.

I had similar issues with my side of the family. I sat down and write down some clear boundaries, what I was happy to do and when and what I wasn’t happy to do. Once it was clear in my mind I told them. In my case when they rang I quickly decided if I was going to help then it would be Friday evening, not right now. If I didn’t want to do it, I’d say sorry I can’t help with that, what about getting a cleaner/gardener? I stopped going straight there after work and chose evenings that suited me. They got used to it after a while. Out-sourcing to paid help is a great idea to lessen the load for you all.

I agree with the poster who said that setting any of this out will only provoke worse behaviour, and that the thing to do iis gently step back. Let some calls go to voicemal, say you're unavailable for some of the transport needs, and then gradually expand this to fit with what you're genuinely able and willing to do

Be aware too that, when they start to notice your reducing availability, they'll probably counter it with claims of "emergencies", and have a plan to deal with that also

You didn't mention your DH's attitude to his parents' demands though, @CantSayThisToAnyoneElse? The above will be much easier if he's onside, but I don't know if this is thhe case?

Echo this. Regardless of whether this is part of her aging process or it’s just her personality you don’t have to lay down and be walked over. People only do that if you let them.

I spent years asking how high whenever family wanted me to jump. I’ve stopped now.

It wasn’t easy and has meant I have a second phone so I can avoid all the micro dramas (if there was a real emergency they’d call my husband if they couldn’t get hold of me).
I still
keep in contact with my mum daily (the issue is my father and my sibling) via text and see her periodically (she knows why I can’t tolerate more and she now won’t go out with me unless father comes too - never used to be an issue but he has got more controlling with age coupled with the emotional maturity of a 4 year old - which he’s always had).

it’s harder to establish boundaries initially than it is to give in but it will help everyone involved.

God very draining. Op my energy levels worn out so not visiting her tomorrow. 80s.. its all about them. Had to make up excuse for it. My friend has same moan moan. Thank god I work as it would be more full on. All you can do is good boundaries with family.

I know you know this, but their lives have shrunk and their thoughts/worries expand to fit the space available. I know this because I'm at a quiet period at work and find my mind filling up with worries and concerns that I absolutely wouldn't entertain when I am busy.

YANBU. I know for a fact that my adult children wouldn’t tolerate this.
It is not all old people. My husband’s grandfather was a lovely old man. He always asked all the carers at his nursing home how they were.

Have had a major and brutal loss, when I try and speak about it my mother changes the subject. Not even subtle.
Makes me feel so abandoned.

I think I am supposed to fulfil role of happy and attentive daughter and now I’m not she is simply blocking it until I am correct again.

Tell them you Don't have ordinary conversations whilst driving as it's not safe as it's distracting. That will cut those ones out.

Opal thats awful. Im finding everything is urgent urgent. I had a bad chest inf after xmas told her I wasnt coming. Barely ask how was I. They super selfish lol

most people nowadays are extremely selfish, but it’s just that they don’t talk to different people much and that’s the first thing to come out. There was a thread here recently and people admitted they automatically start talking about what’s happening to them and you saying they don’t ask about you is kind of funnily the same thing but reversed- you just don’t get a chance to talk all about your life!!

To be fair every generation can say the other generation should be happy out etc etc. My mum is 80 and I’d rather let her give out or I’ll change the subject to something more positive because one day she won’t answer the phone and I’ll regret it. Saying that you sound like you’ve had it tough and hope life gets easier for you

I think I have started to put some boundaries in place with my relative and it is starting to work. I have been trying to take a step back. The reason why I spoke to them in the car on speaker is because I was an hour from home, and didn't want to call them when I got there as I planned on cracking open a bottle of wine after a stressful day at the hospital. I try and speak to them when I am doing something else so I can't fully take on the moaning.

When I go on holiday I try and have a complete break. I tell them that I won't be available and there will be no wifi. Last year I was in the most beautiful location I have ever been to. I was staying on a lake with no one around us and the sun was setting. I felt so happy being there with my family. Then I mistakenly took their call and told them about the beautiful sunset and they literally made me feel so miserable with "It's alright for some, I haven't seen anyone for 2 days, no one has called me".

This year I am refusing to speak to anyone when I am away for 2 weeks.

I ended up cutting contact with my manipulative, aggressive, selfish, victim- playing and lying mother when I was in my 40s.

I remember being in hospital to have a partial hysterectomy and additional surgery to remove endometriosis adhesions and a (thankfully non cancerous) tumour. My mother did not travel to visit me or support me (I lived on my own and hired a carer for two weeks as I could do very little for myself at home) nor did she even bother ringing me when I came out of surgery. Instead I had to call her to let he know things had gone well and she cut the conversation short because she said she needed to go and get her car serviced.

When her sister hurt her back my mother complained that this was inconvenient for HER as her sister could not be at her beck and call.

So as a mature adult I just had enough and finally realised that she was just a black hole of selfishness, would never change and I there was no way I was going to look after someone in old age who never bothered to look after me correctly when I was a teen/child.

Like the people you are describing she had a good life with a nice detached house, two cars, a big garden in a beautiful and safe area and she did not have to work or any money problems for the majority of her life. Yet she spent her entire life complaining, criticising others, stirring and making things up.

Some people just don't know how to be happy.

So my advice is stop letting these people mess up your life, put boundaries in place and make it clear you are unable to prioritise visiting them or supporting them. Live your life.

When it’s a noticeable swing from who somebody was like when much younger I’m inclined to suspect it’s down to biological changes.

Pre HRT I turned into my Great Gran. Worried about everything, easily riled, very focused on expressing my unhappiness with things as opposed to counting my blessings. Which at that point had become invisible to me.

Post HRT I turned back into me. And then went a step further by developing a glass half full/gratitude oriented outlook. Mostly as a thank you to the universe for letting me escape from the hellscape my inner world was like before hormones righted my headspace. I was not fun to be around, but at least everybody else could escape me for a break. I was stuck with me wherever I went. Had a major hiccup when my thyroid went on a go slow. But that was easier to recognise and fix.

I’m gently raising the opportunity to get one’s testosterone levels checked with DH. He is slowly sliding where I went to UnhappySoulLandia. Slower, less noticeable on a week to week level. But over the years there has been a considerable decline in his capacity to look on the bright side and not wander around like Pootle under his Dark Cloud. So far no dice, but I’m going to keep looking for chunks in his armour because he deserves better than this as a way to be alive.

Some people are just a slightly more magnified version of who they have always been. But where it is a definite change in outlook without obvious life-rain factors that would bring somebody down, blood tests may be appropriate. If there is a willingness to entertain such a possibility from the other side of the generational divide.

Understand what you are saying but a relationship or conversation should be both people having time to speak and to matter.

Worrying about little things is absolutely fine and asking for younger people to help you with things that you could previously manage but now just can’t is also absolutely fine. Not fine: expecting them to do things at the drop of a hat because you are worried or because you didn’t think about their needs too; never asking after them or caring how they’re doing; changing the subject to something banal when they’ve just told you about their major life events or worries. These things are unacceptably self-centred at any age and there is no excuse - not all older people do this because it is not an inevitable part of ageing as the other things are.

God yes this kind of behaviour can be epic with this generation. Im not young myself, I'm in my 60's with some painful health problems and work full time. I never complain, nobody wants to hear it.
My mother who has never worked a day in her life and has always been looked after and wealthy never stops moaning.
I jut refuse to deal with it anymore. I see her of course but I won't tolerate that behaviour at all and if it starts then I leave.

I don’t think OP is being brutal at all. She’s being honest. An admirable quality.

I do take your point (and @Naurrr's) and it is a choice, it's just easier said than done. It has a knock on effect because then my sister will feel obliged to go (again, a choice she makes) and she will feel she isn't getting a break and I will feel guilty.

That said, I have decided not to visit this weekend and go next weekend instead. It would be a performance if I went tomorrow as I'm still quite angry and hurt by her behaviour. I need some space from her.

Edited to add, I am glad you found a way to step back and have more peace in your life. It sounds like a really tough situation.

I’m so sorry for people dealing with this with their parents. I think I’m very lucky with mine, they’re in their 70s as opposed to 80s (so it could change yet!) and my mum in particular has got significantly frailer over the past few years. But is fiercely independent and all of us kids are now living in other parts of the UK so it’s literally not an option for us to pop round after work etc. We’d fly home for a serious emergency or arrange for one of us to move home or then to move in with us where we are if needed, but they wouldn’t expect us to unless they were literally dying, especially while they have each other and their church community.

I have noticed in all honesty that they are becoming a little bit more complaining in nature, a bit more selfish/less tactful and understanding, a bit less mindful that my generation genuinely haven’t been afforded the same chances to build wealth etc, a bit more out of touch I guess, they’re weirdly suddenly a bit less liberal in their views than they’ve been all their lives, and less understanding that I can’t answer their calls when at work (my mum definitely calls more than she used to and talks for longer though we’ve always been emotionally close and spoken a lot on the phone).

But it’s all a minor issue compared to people who expect their mow lines to be perfected by a child living hours away! Or worried about their neighbour’s dead shrubs when their own child is suffering much more serious issues. And to be fair I think there have been specific issues for them like my sibling suddenly collapsing and dying out of the blue a few months prepandemic which I think has caused ongoing depression for my mother’s though she won’t admit it, my mother’s health seriously deteriorating physically and massively affecting her mobility and ability to socialise as a very naturally active on the go “people person”, my dad now needing a hip replacement so unable to do the hillwalking and sailing he loves (plus the people who used to help him get his boat in and out of the water are now struggling to physically do it anymore), the sudden narrowing of their social circles in the pandemic which hasn’t really picked up again as everyone they know is now several years older and more unwell/less mobile, or is dying/has died, which has to be pretty hard to cope with (they seem to spend a lot of time going to funerals these days). I think people’s lives do get smaller as they get older, and for this generation many of them will have experienced this as a sudden shift during the pandemic which is probably harder to cope with than it happening gradually over time.

I guess I have some sympathy with people who are getting older and frailer while their social circles shrink due to illness and death. Getting older and often being in chronic pain with poor mobility isn’t fun. It’s understandable to a degree that they start to lean more on their children, who they probably view as young strong and healthy with lots of energy even when that’s not the case! Many of that generation’s women did not work and were used to their elder relatives relying on them for practical support and care, so they just don’t totally understand the lives we lead as middle aged women now. And I think especially with our own parents it’s easy to forget that they too are experiencing this life for the first time and have their own challenges.

But yes, there have to be limits and boundaries for sure, and I appreciate it’s much easier when you don’t live in the same country and physically cannot be at their beck and call and when they have a good community around them.

OP DEFINITELY don’t answer your phone when you’re away, unless it’s an actual emergency (maybe agree if eg someone dies or is admitted to hospital or their house goes on fire etc. that there is one contact you can set to allow to come through on a do not disturb mode on pain of death for serious emergencies only). You need that down time and it’s totally ok to take it. And encourage them to buy in some of the things they need support with, I am always struck by how stingy many elderly people become for some reason, I’ve known people who are very comfortably well off expect their children or children in law to help with cleaning, shopping, gardening, drive them to appointments etc. when they could easily afford to pay for all of this.

I know you know this, but their lives have shrunk and their thoughts/worries expand to fit the space available

This is both true and understandable, @mambojambodothetango, but it's still no reason to expect others to shoulder absolutely everything - and especially not when other sources of help are available

With rare exceptions few would advocate doing nothing at all to help; it's balance which is needed, but unfortunately that's when "Ooooo I don't want strangers in the house" and so on starts to appear, and pandering to it isn't always helpful

In years of appointments for my late, exMIL there was just ONE where she was finally persuaded to use hospital transport, and by the time she got there she'd worked herself into literal hysterics, to the point where staff called exH to come urgently
When he arrived it was as if a switch had been flicked; she'd got what she wanted so all was sweetness and light ... not pleasant

OP DEFINITELY don’t answer your phone when you’re away, unless it’s an actual emergency

Edited to add that was a superb post, @Britneyfan with much of the balance I mentioned, but just taking the quoted bit, if an emergency is what's needed to secure attention then an "emergency" is what some will produce
It got to the point with my exMIL where we'd tell her we were going away several days before the actual date, knowing very well the "emergency" would arrive on the eve of our departure and so that it could be "sorted" withh the holiday still intact

”Emotionally manipulative"?

Uncomfortable to hear, perhaps, but true.

YANBU - my MIL is like this - a featherbedded life but moans constantly. My DH & his sister keep her at arms length - duty phone calls only. My mum is the same age (early 80s) and couldn't be more different - still living her life as fully as she can and finding pleasure in the everyday. Consequently my mum is part of mine & the children's lives, not out of duty but out of love.

I pray to God I won't be like this, but have noticed that my parents generation, some time in their 70s and onwards forget that the people younger than them have any life except to serve them. After running aound in my fifties, like you OP. I just had enough and stopped. I decided I'd rather be the cow of the family and have energy for DC and work and DH than be their trivia-skivvy.

You could try doing the same. Ringing them and monologuing about your illness and DCs and what to do because work and and and. See if they have an ounce of energy for sympathy or help.

Not sure if its been mentioned but their is an elderly parents board where you can vent your spleen.

Its the entitlement I hate. They didn't help their parents out or care for them but expect everyone to run around after them. I have started to actively hate old people. Not healthy I know but I see the problems my children will have even getting a job never mind a house and I just think the majority of you have had a good life I'm not saying an easy life but a stable existence with a functioning NHS through most of their life.

No, emotionally manipulative is the correct term, actually. As uncomfortable as that might be for you to hear.