AIBU to stop indulging elderly parents' constant complaints and demands?

[CantSayThisToAnyoneElse]

DH and I are in our 50's and have DC. We had them late so they are still at school/ living at home. We have one GP on my side and both my DH's parents are alive.

All 3 of our parents are in their early/ late 80's. They have all had great lives. Bought nice houses, go on loads of holidays, nice restaurants, very sociable, and none of them has ever had anything wrong with them that warranted serious medical intervention. They have lived long, healthy lives.

DH and I (and our siblings) have got to the point where all 3 of their behaviour has become intolerable. Every thing is about them. They are on the phone constantly complaining about their lot, that they see no one (not true!), and weekly visits and phone calls to the GP about every twinge. A lot of it seems to be panic about being old.

My issue is that whilst they are doing everything in paragraph 3, the generations below them are having real issues. I have just had the worst 12 months of my life where both DS and I had to go to numerous hospital appointments for investigations (still not sorted), one of my close family members died (suddenly at 50), and working FT and dealing with family life.

My DH's family are in some parts worse. Their irrational behaviour has always been unbelievably attention seeking since the day I met them 30+ years ago. With their latest misadventure, they have my DH and sibling running round after them like staff. It now turns out that my DH's sibling has some major life issues going on, and is really stressed, but hey, let's not upset the Grandparents!!!!

My AIBU is that last night I told my DH that both my parent, and my in-laws have had the luxury of great, long lives with no illnesses and spare money to splurge on luxuries and don't really have anything to complain about and I am not listening to or tolerating it any more. I really do feel that they cause a lot of stress, and that we (me, my siblings, DH and his sibling) are spending so much time on their comfort, and dealing with their minor issues, that important things are being missed.

AIBU to say to my parent, and my DH to his parents that they are all fit and healthy, and the complaining and demanding behaviour is not being indulged any more. We all are literally on the cusp of nervous breakdowns over their behaviour.

I miss my dad. I miss all my elderly relatives. My mum is demanding but she is 90 and needs me. I feel stressed sometimes. When I was working, bringing up children and looking after three of them it was hard. But it’s what families do. I would give anything to have another day with the ones I’ve lost.

I’d plan a very long holiday or have a work project that requires your undivided attention for some months. An excuse to not be available to help with any of it. You don’t have to do it. They’re not in their 90s and dying they are generally ok. Don’t use up your good years on getting tied into this. They can pay for their care if they need to with all the money they have from being born at the right time.

No, that’s what you chose to do for your family. That’s not what all families do. Being family doesn’t mean emotionally manipulating people and taking advantage of them.

We are all going to die one day-does that give us all the right to treat the people around us like crap?

It’s so difficult sometimes. My PIL are in their early 90’s and both have significant memory issues, but won’t accept any help. My DH manages all their shopping, prescription, health appointments and a gardener (which had to be forced on them despite no gardening or hedge cutting having been done for over two years), every day there are numerous calls about the tv not working or the phone being broken, or there’s someone In next doors garden, it’s so draining. We live over three hours away and can’t just drop everything to go and see them. On the last visit we spent hours cleaning a dirty house, dirty bathrooms and a fridge in an unbelievable state. They have very healthy pensions in excess of £4k a month and massive savings but won’t spend any of it.

it doesn’t help that my husband was diagnosed with locally advanced aggressive prostate cancer earlier this year, which they aren’t aware of. He really doesn’t need the stress.

you want to take care of them but when they won’t do anything to help themselves it’s very frustrating.

@Exhaustedpickle don’t go. Let her whinge into a phone that you won’t be answering, since she’ll whinge at you whether you go or not. Literally, have a (Satur)day off, with my blessing 💐

Take a weekend off and put you and your families wellbeing first. Say you have a stomach bug and stay at home. It’s very hard and you will feel bad but you also need your own space, visiting someone out of guilt or because you think you should is never a good idea.

I work with autism all week then listen to my mothers moans. Im just not able for it some weeks. And it could be years of it as her sister passed at 92

My neighbours had this with their parents, I remember them diminishing contact and honestly seeing less and less of their parents. Just last week they told me that the last parent passed away and left a will that favoured charity over them. Inheritance gone! I know they were expecting some money to come to them, to redo the roof etc. bit of a shock , but otoh, if the relationship has reached its end, I guess it’s finished.

Hi OP - come over to the elderly parents section and you’ll see a lot of similar posts there.

YANBU. My husband and I are the same as you. In our fifties with children we had late, who are still at home. We both work full time and stressful roles. We won’t have the same luck as our parents’ generation. Eg MIL and FIL retired at 50 and tootled off to retire abroad. MIL only ever worked very part time. FIL easy job. Anyway long story short - once people have been retired for a luxuriously long time, it is my experience that they totally stop caring about the stress and pressure on those who do still have to work. Once people get to age 80 ish and old age inevitably starts to catch up they often will think nothing of making everyone else’s lives around them as difficult as possible with their demands and tunnel vision. This will not change. The only thing you can do is step right back.

I am an oldie, 78, and I know what you all mean about a lot of us. DH and I love to see DS and DIL. Not for a moan/complain but a laugh and catch up with their lives. On rare occasions we have needed their help: emotionally or physically. We try to look after ourselves and are not keen on asking for help (never have).

My DM was not like this and it was always about her. When I had to tell her I had cancer (long time ago) she put her head in her hands and said "What will become of me?". There was not even a hug. DH and I got up and left.

Oh dear yes.

Aunt and uncle used to drive dm to the supermarket every Thursday. Uncle keeled over and died. Dm pouted and grumbled, “How am I going to get to Tesco?”

This has not been our experience at all, thankfully. Our parents do need us more now they are in their 80s/90s but they have always been respectful of our time and interested in our lives.

My mil lovely but with my mother she doesnt want hear about your stresses just hers lol.

Thank you @TamarindCottage and @MrsVBS I have decided not to go this weekend and am spending it with my DH and kids instead. Bliss!

I understand lives getting smaller but I’m always amazed when people are apparently fascinated by the detailed medical condition of their neighbour’s dog but not how their granddaughter’s getting on at school, or whether their daughter’s mysterious stomach bug thing cleared up. Everyone expects a bit of moaning about illnesses and monologuing when people get older - and I know lots of older people who aren’t like this at all! But my mum spends more time talking to me about her neighbour’s problems with her roses than how my week’s been or whether her grandchild had a good school trip.

Maybe her neighbour has also reached that stage and monologues to her about the roses rather than her actually asking for the gory details 😂

FIL is in his nineties and talks only about himself and his concerns. 2 years ago he phoned and launched straight in about himself as usual. Not even a ‘Hello’ or ‘How are you all?’. After 10 minutes of this I tried to interrupt to tell him how the planning for his only grandchild’s wedding was going, at which point he said ‘Be quiet (name) and listen to me.’ Suffice it to say I have had no contact with him since. DH visits him but I stay at home. I sincerely hope I don’t become so self obsessed if I’m lucky enough to live to his age! My advice is just to minimise contact - no need to explain.

Honestly you’re not wrong for wanting to step back. It does seem the older generation are very blinkered to just how hard things are in every aspect for others with regards to cost of living, raising children, juggling the work life balance etc.

Ive seen in a lot of elderly relatives that they just get a bit more selfish as they get older, not intentionally so but it just happens. They only want to talk about themselves and their lives and forget others have stuff going on too.

Show them your post OP and this thread. YANBU at all.

We have this and just do what we can. I absolutely agree with @BMW58 that you only answer the phone if it's convenient, only do what you are able to do without burning yourself out.

My parents are almost 90 and I have a chronic health condition which they aren't interested in and don't understand. They have help. They have money. But they stil expect to outsource things to me and DH - mostly things like decorating - because the quote was 'ridiculous' without appreciating that I am ill and DH is nearly 70 with a lot of back problems.

He doesn't want to spend 3 days wallpapering their living room because they want it done but are too tight to pay a professional - whilst telling us how much money they have.

Put boundaries in now in case their fortune turns because whilst they have their wealth and health it's easy to resent them.

Much harder if they have understandable complaints.

My DM has been obnoxious, selfish and self centred all my life. She has had cancer now for four years and I am run ragged because how can I say no now??
I'm at breaking point, she is so nasty and horrible but she is in pain, scared, anxious, objectively going though hell.

It's so complicated now and I wish I'd put more boundaries years ago.

I do try to bear in mind that people become more anxious as they get older and more frail, and that my DM never had HRT or antidepressants (both of which, in retrospect, I am sure she desperately needed). But I am also sick to the back teeth of her moaning about how she’s got to go on another cruise with her best friend.

You would be unreasonable to tell them their demanding behaviour is not being indulged anymore, however you would be reasonable to stop indulging their behaviour. Decide what you are willing to do and what you will not accept and just start to implement it. No announcements required.

When I had to tell (DM) I had cancer (long time ago) she put her head in her hands and said "What will become of me?". There was not even a hug. DH and I got up and left

Aunt and uncle used to drive dm to the supermarket every Thursday. Uncle keeled over and died. Dm pouted and grumbled, “How am I going to get to Tesco?”

Really not pleasant is it?

Though usually in favour of just backing away quietly I'm afraid these are the sort of things where I'd have to point out how inappropriate they were being.
Yes it would probably produce yet another whine, but sometimes such things need to be said

Im just off phone told her not taking any more crap Im 53. Im threatened with Will then. Bloody bullies. Elderly get super entitled well some do

The other day I was driving back from hospital, bleeding from invasive prodding and pulling (ouch), and I was on the phone to my relative. They knew I went to the hospital, spent 20 seconds on the topic, then spent 1/2 hour on about the bowls and how Roger said this and Beryl said that.

Why on earth are you indulging them when driving home from as you say "invasive" treatment.....

As someone else said Just drop the rope. You both will become burnt out.
And that takes a LONG time to recover from. Ask me, I know.

They sound very self-obsessed, all of them.