AIBU for not visiting my parents because toddler travel is too difficult?

[Mamma112782]

DH and I have an 18mo and an older child with complex SEN. Before baby we used to drive 2h to visit my parents who are in their 70s. After baby my parents visited us on public transport, also 2h, so we wouldn’t have to put a newborn through the drive.

It turned out she hated the car anyway. I have to sit in the back with her and we’ve barely driven her more than 30 mins as we can’t take more than a few minutes of her screaming - it’s especially unfair on older child who gets very dysregulated (and potentially dangerous) with her crying even with ear defenders. DH also has to commute to work every day so he finds additional driving during the weekend very tiring. She enjoys the car a little more now but I’m a ball is stress in the back passing her distractions every few minutes and eventually she starts up again. I think some of the time she wants to sleep but she can’t in the car seat without 10-15mins of screaming first, other times she wants a comfort feed.

We could take public transport but as she’s gotten older she’s obvs become more resistant to it - again anything more than 15
mins on a train is very painful as she just wants to climb and move around.

So my parents have continued to visit every couple of months and they keep asking if we can come in the car yet. I feel bad for them but I can’t see an end to it. Is it usual not to visit any family while baby/toddler is struggling with cars for a prolonged period?

Isn't that illegal?

Take her to an osteopath. My child was hysterical from birth in the car seat and it was due to her back. She was out of alignment due to pregnancy and then birth and once she had a session with the osteopath she slept the entire 1
Hour journey home

Lovely.

I had PND and found it very distressing driving when my child was crying. I made the right choice for my family.

At least I’m not a rude and obnoxious person sharing insulting insights to strangers I know nothing about on an internet forum.

It wasn’t illegal. It wasn’t recent. What is with this place?

Looking at the situation logically.

You have one party, 2 adults in their 70s in good health. Retired, no toddlers or children with complex SEN at home to look after.

The other party, 1 adult working full time in the week. Another adult, I have missed her employment status but she had a child with complex disabilities and a toddler to care for. Both children likely to be distressed in the car. Driver (tired after being at work all week) likely to be distracted by the screaming.

Surely it makes sense for party no 1 to do the travelling at the moment?

It is illegal now so isnt particularly helpful to share with OP. I dont think I am being ridiculous or extreme to point this out but you do you, babe (and god help any kids you're looking after any time soon) x

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I do think you need to try other things - maybe going just one of you and one child, and maybe slowly going on longer drives with the baby. We used to regularly do 4 hour trips to my parents with my kid and never had this problem. Might your child be travel sick - maybe try meds.

PND is not an excuse to neglect your children’s safety.

You did not make the right choice, you just got lucky.

I think meeting parents halfway is a fair compromise

While she gets used to the car, would it be a good idea for you to visit your parents on your own or with the older child leaving her at home with her dad? Or take turns with your parents so it doesn’t become too much for either party?

This isn't true by the way,.of you've never had a child who truly couldn't cope in the car seat you really.dont.knwo what it's like. My eldest couldn't tolerate the car at all, would cry till he threw up from newborn onwards. We just didn't sue the car unless totally necessary for years. Youngest wasn't a great fan.of the carseat but eventually adjusted with.normal car use. I LOVE driving. Love it. Didn't learn until my 20s and the freedom is amazing so I didn't take public transport with a baby.in a sling because it was easy it just wasn't possible to deal with the constant screaming and vommitting.hr has ASD it turns out so a lot about the car seat was intolerable. He copes now he's older because he can tell us how he's doing et.c

That's not how legality and child safety work

Any signs of nejrodivergence in your daughter?

I disagree. Something that is a massive ball ache isn't realistic. The parents coming to her is what's realistic.

Why are so many posters saying to drive there at bedtime? To all these Muppets -
OP has a SN kid that will be needing routine more than other kids would. Overtired kids are a headache for the parents. Why oh why does anyone think that driving your kids at bedtime in the hopes they'll fall asleep during the journey, waking them up again so grandparents can play with them. Then driving back home again and having to put them to bed overtired, later than usual, out of their routine. And then having probably no time to themselves as adults before they need to go to bed too. Just so grandparents don't have to travel to them... is in any way a good idea?!

Same for "just drive every day" until they're used to it. Yeh that's really what the parents want to be doing after work when DH returns with their one car and they ought to be putting DC to bed. Just go out for a drive with screaming baby, that'll settle the kids down nicely before bedtime, what a perfect way to end a long day looking after a SN kid 🙄

This was in relation to the child that is stopping them travelling by car, not the older child, I said absolutely nothing about ‘training’ anyone out of autism, what a ridiculous suggestion.

Thank you. Yes this is where my thinking is at. I appreciate the other suggestions but they are for lots of reasons very complicated.

We don’t feel comfortable forward facing while she’s still so young. We may have to at some point but there is no urgent need now.

Yes, it really makes no sense to prioritise your parents comfort over your child's safety. It wouldn't be good parenting to put her forward facing just so your parents don't have to travel to you. I hope they can start to think of you not just themselves and start to realise how hard you have it at the moment and how easy they have it by comparison. Maybe you need a conversation about the frequency of visits, just in case they're feeling pressured to keep up the current frequency but feel unable to do that if it's always them travelling. I know you're not pressuring them but people can sometimes put weird expectations on themselves, without really thinking about it and how illogical and unnecessary it is.