AIBU for not visiting my parents because toddler travel is too difficult?

[Mamma112782]

DH and I have an 18mo and an older child with complex SEN. Before baby we used to drive 2h to visit my parents who are in their 70s. After baby my parents visited us on public transport, also 2h, so we wouldn’t have to put a newborn through the drive.

It turned out she hated the car anyway. I have to sit in the back with her and we’ve barely driven her more than 30 mins as we can’t take more than a few minutes of her screaming - it’s especially unfair on older child who gets very dysregulated (and potentially dangerous) with her crying even with ear defenders. DH also has to commute to work every day so he finds additional driving during the weekend very tiring. She enjoys the car a little more now but I’m a ball is stress in the back passing her distractions every few minutes and eventually she starts up again. I think some of the time she wants to sleep but she can’t in the car seat without 10-15mins of screaming first, other times she wants a comfort feed.

We could take public transport but as she’s gotten older she’s obvs become more resistant to it - again anything more than 15
mins on a train is very painful as she just wants to climb and move around.

So my parents have continued to visit every couple of months and they keep asking if we can come in the car yet. I feel bad for them but I can’t see an end to it. Is it usual not to visit any family while baby/toddler is struggling with cars for a prolonged period?

The get used to it brigade are insane! Why would you deliberately stress your child? She'll probably be fine by 5, and likely earlier. Your parents can do the travelling for a few years or you just don't see them so much. 4 hours traveling in one day is too much anyway, and since you can't stay out doesn't make sense. You're going to be a doing a lot of travelling when they're really old, so they need to share the burden while they're capable. Go once every 6 months and stay longer in an airbnb, or get a holiday cottage somewhere neutral.

I’ve had one who hated the car from newborn to about one and then one who quite liked the car so I do get it. It can be awful when they scream in the car, but equally the baby will not ever get used to something they don’t actually do.
You could visit them, even if they visit you more in between. To just say you aren’t doing it for the past few months, and pretty much indefinitely going forward is quite unusual.

Could baby go in the front seat with the air bag disabled to give a little more space and distance from crying in the back?

I would absolutely do visits with one kid at a time, alternating until you get to the point the baby doesn’t cry anymore and the toddler can cope with her in the car.

Building tolerance just means putting the toddler and the OP through hell for what? So 2 elderly people can play with a toddler who doesn't want to be there for a couple of hours. And I think the building tolerance stuff is bullshit, toddler will grow up and can either explain what the issue is or grow out of the discomfort they're feeling.

Obviously she can’t tell you what’s going on. I get severe motion sickness in the back of cars. DS GF does as well, first adult I have met who is the same as me. So we both prefer to drive, wonder if it’s that ? I used to be car sick a lot as a child. Remember being given travel sickness tablets as a child and having to sit in the front of the school minibus. I squashed the Teachers lunch as I sat on it one time on a geography field trip,

I don’t know the exact laws about babies jn the front now but I would if possible and safe try her in the front and front facing.

Why are you making it sound like this is 2 randos?
Why are you claiming the toddler would not want to see grandparents?

This is a weird interpretation.

Why wouldn’t OP’s children want to see their grandparents?

I don't think it's so much about baby/toddler struggling with a car, that's minimising things. It's more like the way to describe it is you've got two disabled kids who can't cope with travelling. Under the circumstances, travelling to see people who can easily come to you is something I just wouldn't be prepared to do, full stop. Your lives are hard enough as it is and they want to make it harder just so they can avoid travelling and make their own life easier. It's unrealistic and unreasonable to expect you to do it. But you need to stop minimising what's happening and give it to them straight. They can't be expected to understand the truth of the matter if you're not really explaining and are brushing it under the carpet with your language. You're mum to two disabled kids and due to the kids not coping, you also can't cope with these journeys either.

If they work I can see how the public transport journey might feel like a real PITA on their day off and they might not want to do it. So if that's the case I'd drop visits to a few times per year, like most people do who don't live all that close by, and the rest of the "visits" by phone calls etc. to take the pressure off.

Bottom line, if they don't like public transport they can take a taxi. Yes, I know it costs, but maybe they can book a few days hotel in your area and see you for an extended period of time a couple times a year. Instead of acting like you're "just round the corner" because you live a couple of towns over and can drive, when you're realistically not close by at all and the car journey takes as long as the public transport. Taking a taxi wouldn't make any difference to your journey, but they could use it to make their lives easier, doing away with standing around waiting or hurrying about trying to make their connections on time etc.

If they don't work they're being selfish, because they're the ones who can easily recover for a few days after the journey if they found it tiring, whereas you're straight back into parenting disabled kids the second you get home.

Forward facing and leave the other child at home.
I drive all week but can handle a 2hr car ride if need be.
Does the crying child have toys or some natural relaxing or soothing blanket or toy?
Is this a possible positioning of the car seat is
uncomfortable or car sick?
Nothing worse than limiting your travels because visiting family is so worthwhile for the children.
Failing that could you put up your parents for a few days.
Is there a train?

If it’s only day trips could you find some nice places an hour away that you could meet for a few hours? Less travel for everyone so maybe more doable for inbetween visits for now

What happens when DH isn't around and you're driving, no adult in the back?

Try separate cars maybe, with a child in each?

Have you changed the car seat yet at all? Both of mine hated the newborn seat but once we switched it at 12 months (still rear facing) it made the world of difference! Also I’d pass them snacks and have toys that were just for the car.

Couple of options:
Meet your parents half way.
Take one child (switch them each time) and leave the other child at home with DH (might there then be space to stay?)
Set off home at bedtime - will she sleep?

I wouldnt just expect that i not visit at all for potentially years, thats not reasonable. I might visit less.

What i would do is:

• try going via public transport
• split the journey with regular breaks
• go at night/evening or over a nap time where the toddler is likely to sleep for at least part of it

Its not really fair to expect other people to take all the travel time/cost. Children do get used to car travel & its not always travel sickness. My youngest screamed in the car a lot as a baby and isnt car sick, her elder brother was fine in the car as a little one but got very car sick from about age 4.

Try forward facing. It could make all the difference. The minute difference in safety could be mitigated (or even massively outweighed) by less distraction for the driver.

I moved my son to forward facing earlier than I would have liked because he absolutely hated the car. It did help. I felt the chance of a full force head on collision was low, especially on the suburban roads and motorways we travelled on (not winding country roads). And as a PP said, the marginal increase in risk was more than mitigated by less driver distraction.

But I also agree that your parents need to accept how difficult it is for you to travel currently, and perhaps organise overnights in your area if they want more time with your children.

I'm not sure you are doing yourselves any favours here by not doing longer journeys. If car is too tricky, then work on the train issue. It's not just about grandparent visits though, it's that it's hugely limiting what you can do in life.

In the meantime can you visit with just your older DC, especially as you say it's only for the day and not overnight?

Can you meet half way - an hour's drive - and go and do something/lunch? During covid we'd visit family in the way and go the zoo, a park, a children's farm etc when you weren't allowed in others house so they couldn't stay over.

I'd mix it up there are plenty of options:
Meet somewhere halfway for the day? Then only 1 hour drive each.
You drive there with just the older child and leave DH and toddler at home.
DH drives there with the older child and you take the train. Then he can take all the bags to. "as she just wants to climb and move around." - well that's exactly what she can do on the train? That's all my toddler does on the train, walk down the aisles.
Consider forward facing, yes it's not as safe but it's also not safe to have her scream in the car.
Drive over her nap time? Drive at bedtime? We do a lot of drives where we leave at 7pm, get toddler ready for bed before, then transfer on arrival.

Thank you for the advice so far.
I’m reassured by some of the posters who say it’s ok that my parents visiting might be the only way for the foreseeable future.

It’s interesting as we are considering mixing it up as you suggested when we visit other family in the summer. On their end DH and DS will take a car, while toddler and I might take train-train-bus to get to the destination. It will probably take three times longer and family will be aghast when we tell them. But I can’t think of another way that isn’t going to subject the driver/passengers to a good awful amount of screeching on rural roads.

If you can't travel you can't travel. But any scope for hiring a 7-seater so DS could be right in the back? Or combining some of your public transport route with taxis? Have you looked into travel sickness liquids/lollies/patches for the toddler? iPad/audio book?

It’s a two hour drive. Your DH is being a wet blanket if he can’t drive that far - can you drive? (If not -learn!).
but I think you could manage a two hour drive to see your parents.

Honestly, if you can’t, you can’t. You can only parent the children you have, not Other People’s Ideas of the children you ought to have.

I’m in the taxi camp, I’m afraid.