AIBU for not visiting my parents because toddler travel is too difficult?

[Mamma112782]

DH and I have an 18mo and an older child with complex SEN. Before baby we used to drive 2h to visit my parents who are in their 70s. After baby my parents visited us on public transport, also 2h, so we wouldn’t have to put a newborn through the drive.

It turned out she hated the car anyway. I have to sit in the back with her and we’ve barely driven her more than 30 mins as we can’t take more than a few minutes of her screaming - it’s especially unfair on older child who gets very dysregulated (and potentially dangerous) with her crying even with ear defenders. DH also has to commute to work every day so he finds additional driving during the weekend very tiring. She enjoys the car a little more now but I’m a ball is stress in the back passing her distractions every few minutes and eventually she starts up again. I think some of the time she wants to sleep but she can’t in the car seat without 10-15mins of screaming first, other times she wants a comfort feed.

We could take public transport but as she’s gotten older she’s obvs become more resistant to it - again anything more than 15
mins on a train is very painful as she just wants to climb and move around.

So my parents have continued to visit every couple of months and they keep asking if we can come in the car yet. I feel bad for them but I can’t see an end to it. Is it usual not to visit any family while baby/toddler is struggling with cars for a prolonged period?

Stressful= unrealistic. She's not in this earth to stress out her DC (or herself!) just so their grandparents can see them. If they want to see them they can travel to her.

@Mamma112782 i assume you’ve tried doing the journey at night when both kids are more likely to sleep ? Both of mine loved sleeping in the car day or night which was lucky really as we spent a lot of time in the car .

Meeting halfway and doing something for the day together would be good starting point, and would get your child used to slightly longer journeys. I agree with some though that she needs to get used to the car several times a week.

We don't have a crystal ball in life, and there may be unexpected journeys that come up which are unavoidable. It's better to get your child used to them now and it removes another stress from your life.

I mean, I do get it. I have a SN child and another who hated car journeys. I spent a lot of time sat at the side of the road trying to make one or both happy enough to continue. But you'll miss out so much stuff in their childhoods if you refuse to travel with them.

Staggered at the lack of understanding and empathy in many of these replies.

@Mamma112782 I imagine that your lives with a child with complex needs and a toddler are difficult enough as it is, without adding in stressful car journeys. I wouldn't dream of expecting someone to travel to me in those circumstances.

Eta that I had a baby who hated the car. It got much better once front facing and as he got older.

The simple and practical answer is for your parents to move closer to you. I can't understand people as they get older making it clear they want to maintain a close relationship with their grown up children & grandchildren yet they refuse to move to within a reasonable distance of them.

My DH & I began married life in the city where we both had jobs. This was an hour's drive away from both sets of parents. When our first child arrived we decided to move back to the area we grew up in & where our parents still lived. It was the best decision we made regarding childcare etc. It did mean an hours travel to work but so worth it. If parents and grandparents wish to have the old set-up of family living close to each other then there has to be sacrifices made by the parents, the adult children, or both. .

We went forward facing at 10 mths for this reason. I figured that it was safer for me not to drive very stressed. Also, we used an iPad.

Have you thought about meeting half way at a family friendly venue?
X

Well your parents aren’t getting any younger. So soon, if you don’t go to them you won’t see them. Unless you or they can move closer? Or you sort the travel situation. Meeting halfway sounds like a decent compromise to start surely. Ear defenders, etc.
There are three of us, we all used to scream, generally on rotation, one started the others off. Then there was cyclical car sickness. My parents resolutely stuck with it until we got used to it. Bonkers? I don’t know. But they wouldn’t have seen family if they hadn’t.

Go forward facing and meet your parents halfway.

not Read the whole thread, we always travelled at their bedtime so they slept through the journey

I’d go without DH and just take one dc each time.

child with SEN gets a peaceful trip.

crying child desensitises to longer journeys,

parents get a break from having to travel to yours all the time.

Do you know much about autism and sensory difficulties? You can’t train them out of it.

Her parents are in their 70s and in good health. Even if they can only manage 2 more years of travelling (which sounds fairly reasonable, my in laws fly over to see us twice a year in their late 70s), the 18 month old will be 3.5 and far easier to manage.

I always find it weird that so many people think it's fine to leave a baby or toddler to howl in the back of a car for hours but sleep training is considered cruel!

My kids were just so unhappy in the car as babies/toddlers that we rarely took them anywhere in a car. I know some people think that's spoiling them or whatever but I just wasn't prepared to distress them that much. If you haven't had a child that upset in a car, it's hard to understand I think.

The other thing is that it’s actually pretty dangerous to drive with a child screaming in the back seat. It’s so distracting. If he crashed and killed someone I doubt anyone would be quite so in favour of it.

That too. Especially when sleep deprived with young children, it simply would not have been safe for me to drive two hours with them screaming in the back

Still realistic 🤷‍♀️

Oh dear. Lots of poor parenting going on over here.

Sure, put your kids at risk of internal paralysis and decapitation because you can’t cope.

Mix it up a bit. Eg. Trip 1/ You take your eldest on his own your husband looks after the baby.
Trip 2/ your parents visit you.
Trip 3/ you meet your parents half way, either just with baby or all of you. Then repeat.
This time next year hopefully she will be fine.

My child is the same so we drive at her bedtime. She falls asleep and stays asleep (usually) for the rest of the journey. Something to try?

If you live in the country and every single thing is a drive away, you just do
it. Or you go nowhere! We have narrow village lanes and no footpaths. No bus. No shop. No school. It’s really important for dc to settle and they cannot dictate life. They and us would have no life!

Driving while distracted by screaming puts all road users at risk.

ETA I’m not suggesting the OP should forward face her daughter. I’m saying I agree with her that while her child screams in the car it’s probably best to avoid long car journeys, as it’s very dangerous to drive for 2 hours while distracted by screaming.

You realise there are lots of solutions that don’t involve putting your child at risk of internal paralysis and decapitation, right?

You know, like firstly just being a grown up and tuning it up, particularly when there’s another grown up dealing with said tantrumming child(ren).

Secondly, consistent and regular car journeys to get her used to the car (regular as in every day, even if only for 5-10 mins). Thirdly, driving at night so they’re more likely to sleep. Fourthly, do a better job of distracting said child.

And lastly, if you’ve really failed at all of the above, sticking them in front of a screen. It’s poor parenting, but at least you’re not risking their life.

Rear facing is 5x safer than forward facing- I’m not sure why it’s being suggested that isn’t the case.

our little one has never been great in the car, we generally do journeys during nap times to make it easier and more pleasant. Have you had a fit check done with a car seat expert to check the seat is set up right for her? That can make quite a lot of difference. But a lot of them just really don’t like being strapped in tight for long periods. Have you tried an iPad for her? BeSafe or maybe Axkid, I can’t remember, do a seat protector with an iPad holder built in.

Yes I do, hence my edit before your post.
If you’re distracted you’re distracted. You can’t always choose what you can ‘block out’.
Currently it’s far safer for the OP’s parents to visit them. I’m sure that will change as the toddler grows up and becomes more rational. Why put anyone at risk when the OP’s parents can just visit them?