AIBU for not visiting my parents because toddler travel is too difficult?

[Mamma112782]

DH and I have an 18mo and an older child with complex SEN. Before baby we used to drive 2h to visit my parents who are in their 70s. After baby my parents visited us on public transport, also 2h, so we wouldn’t have to put a newborn through the drive.

It turned out she hated the car anyway. I have to sit in the back with her and we’ve barely driven her more than 30 mins as we can’t take more than a few minutes of her screaming - it’s especially unfair on older child who gets very dysregulated (and potentially dangerous) with her crying even with ear defenders. DH also has to commute to work every day so he finds additional driving during the weekend very tiring. She enjoys the car a little more now but I’m a ball is stress in the back passing her distractions every few minutes and eventually she starts up again. I think some of the time she wants to sleep but she can’t in the car seat without 10-15mins of screaming first, other times she wants a comfort feed.

We could take public transport but as she’s gotten older she’s obvs become more resistant to it - again anything more than 15
mins on a train is very painful as she just wants to climb and move around.

So my parents have continued to visit every couple of months and they keep asking if we can come in the car yet. I feel bad for them but I can’t see an end to it. Is it usual not to visit any family while baby/toddler is struggling with cars for a prolonged period?

I think this depends on your parents health and mobility. My parents are in their 70’s, they are thankfully very healthy and they are proactive in keeping their fitness. They could manage this with no ill effects other than in extreme weather such as we have currently. My in-laws of the same age could “manage” a similar journey but it would leave them exhausted and almost certainly in pain, even on a good day with clement weather and no delays etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. At the moment it's easier for your parents to make the trip than it is for you. Assuming they are in good health for their age I think that's ok. Maybe a compromise would be for you to make the trip say one time out of every three? On public transport if that's easier than driving. One of you can walk up and down the train carriage with the toddler if she doesn't want to sit still.

Maybe a weird question.....is toddler still rear facing?

Yes. I know it can get better when they are forward facing but I think that’s still
a way off, especially if we’re on the motorway to my parents.

Parents are in good health but visiting leaves them exhausted - I know they would like to see their grandkids more but every two months is probably the limit of what they can manage.

I think you could probably manage a few visits through the year. 2 hours really isn't that long a drive, just be prepared with lots of things to entertain and snacks and games etc. I think if you never do it then she'll never get used to it.

If you use the car you kids will get used to it, neither of mine were keen as newborns but I persevered and by 3-4 months travelled well, had no choice because we had to travel

I also have a toddler who hates the car. I'm totally baffled by people who drive to France with a 12 month - 36 month old, mine just wouldn't tolerate it. An hour is his absolute limit. So YANBU, I couldn't do a 2 hour drive with mine either. We forward face as all he did was scream the second we put him in it but he will kick off after 30 minutes again. I have to have an unlimited supply of stickers and distractions and it stresses me out.

This is one of those situations where you need to acclimatise your child. If you don't use the car, they aren't used to it and the cycle continues.

It would be the train and two or three lines on the London underground so a stroller would be challenging to navigate with and I often end up putting her in a carrier and pushing the stroller anyway. I could carry her for the whole journey but it’s hard. We do buses often and it’s the same as car seats, it’s constant distraction and then tears and I end up having to stand and bounce her to keep her calm. I know I’ll end up standing and carrying the whole 2+ hours. Parents also don’t have space for us all and we used to do day trips so we have to do it all again on the way home. Or at best next day if we stayed in a hotel, and then we need to carry even more stuff.

I understand what people are saying about baby needing to get used to it. But I have to consider my older child as well as he has complex SEN as he’s hypersensitive to sound - if he’s dysregulated in the car while she is screaming it’s awful for him. He has one time started to throw things. He can also sometimes show a lack of care and interfere with DH’s driving. He sits in the front as there’s no room in the back. DH has the car during the week as well so we would only have the weekends to acclimatise and for now she needs at least one of us to sit with her in the back, so DS has to come too.

I know there may not be a solution here - I just needed to vent a bit.

We do use it - we have managed trips for up to 30 mins but she tends to be sobbing for the last 5 mins. Shorter distances of 15-20 mins are sometimes manageable and she sometimes enjoys it at the start, but not always. And as I said, it’s stressful for me in the back as well.

It just seems like it will take a long time to work our way up from 20-30mins of driving up to 2h+ (not allowing for traffic).

Have you tried not sitting with her? All this drama over a car journey seems unnecessary. Buckle up and get on with it.

Perhaps I'm old school but kids crying was part of life.

Do you have a neurodiverse child with sensory difficulties that you can leave to get on with it? It’s completely disabling, for him for our whole family. At home he can manage her crying, he can help to distract her or he can remove himself, but in a car he is restrained and he can’t escape.

And yes of course I’ve tried not sitting in the back and it’s worse and she is inconsolable. I can keep her going longer if I’m at the back with her.

Could you take just baby to your parents for the day and leave dh with the older one?

That way baby gets a bit more used to car travel whilst not upsetting the older sibling.

Another thought- is there somewhere your parents could meet you half way (ish) so you don’t have to travel as far?

Silly question but I assume your oldest child wears ear defenders in the car if he struggles with noise?

Leave the older one at home while you build tolerance in the baby.

Your toddler is practically as safe statistically forward facing at 18 months as rear facing as long as they are in a correctly fitted child seat. They are more safe than being unrestrained on public transport.
The number of children, aged between 0 and 15 years old, killed or seriously injured in RTAs between 2022 and 2024 was just over 2,000. There are approximately 12 million children currently in England. That’s a 0.017% risk. Most of those children were killed or injured as pedestrians, and of those travelling in vehicles, most were unrestrained or in defective vehicles.
Our children are statistically at far greater risk of injury or death as a pedestrian.
Your fears about forward facing travel safety, whilst understandable, are not grounded in statistical reality.

I’m not older and I agree!

OP from what you’ve said it’s hard not to picture you as a big ball of stress in the back with your toddler making the whole situation worse.

I also think as parents it’s our job to help our children do things they find challenging, rather than removing the thing from their lives.

You might also need to be in a position to visit your parents, who are only going to her older.

Surely that would be worse, I would not want to drive 2 hours with a screaming child in the back, it would be so distressing/distracting

sounds stressful indeed!
do you not drive OP? Might be worth dividing and conquering if you do as in one of you takes toddler regularly out in the car on their own and endures a bit more crying as your son won’t be there to be so impacted (the other parents stays home) or you take your son and your other half stays home with toddler?
I know your parents will want to see both kids but this arrangement won’t be forever and is likely the best compromise?

This - you do need to keep putting her in the car, otherwise she will not be used to it and it will get worse.

Doesn't mean you have to keep doing the 2 hour journey, but if you stop, you need to think about how you are going to keep supporting her to be OK in the car for the future. Perhaps there's a way to do it without your other child present so it's all a bit calmer.

My DD was exactly like this this as a baby. I'm pretty sure it's motion sickness. I recently read something about vestibular migraine and I think this was the cause of the motion sickness, as I can see issues caused by vestibular migraine running through the generations in my family.

Dd did improve with forward facing, but as you say, it is a safety issue at this stage.