AIBU to find it creepy when my father asks my 4YO about girlfriends?

[FunnyHazelPeer]

I have a 4YO DS. My parents are involved, relationship with my father has been strained but I have a good relationship with my mother so we are all around eachother.

Father asked my DS today how many girlfriends he has at school. I said that’s a weird and creepy thing to ask a child. He carried on saying I bet you have lots of girlfriends, all the girls love you.

At this point I snapped, and said to be quiet saying such stupid creepy things. DS looked at him like he had 4 heads - was very confused.

DS left the room and father told me I was being too sensitive he will have girlfriends. I said he’s FOUR!!!!!!!!!! It’s sooooo strange to be saying this to a child.

father said I’m controlling and DS will end up resenting me.

Am I in the wrong???? I think it’s creepy thing to ask???

I find nothing wrong with what your Dad said, I must be old.

It depends on whether it’s said In a creepy way. Usually people say this to children as abit of teasing and the child will be all disgusted. It’s not a joke I do with kids but it’s always seemed harmless enough. My nanna used to always ask if I was courting yet but she was just being silly.

Yeah I think you’re right

some would say it’s an age thing. But would wolf whistle at women when in the car, make innuendos to other women thinking we couldn’t understand (as I turned into a teen)

every female referred to by their appearance, for example the “girl who is well endowed”.

This makes a lot more sense, if he's a bit creepy in general then it is much more likely to come across as creepy, plenty of people could say this and it be completely innocent

My Dad’s the same age and he’s never said any of those things, it still shocks me when men say creepy/sexist things.

Agreed. This is a bigger pattern. My father is a misogynistic twat. It is done with different behaviour to the OP but ultimately arrives to the same point.

A man who is very disrespectful towards women and children who demands respect from them.

I trust my instincts and give my own father the widest berth out there I suggest you get to your own level of comfort of dealing with your own father and leave him at that level.

Just tell him he's got girl friends and boy friends . When my ds was 5 he had a girlfriend apparantly. It was the girl's mum who talked about having a boyfriend so her daughter chose my ds. They held hands when they came out from school. My ds had no idea what she was on about and just said she's a friend who is a girl. He's 12 and don't remember this. I saw the girl recently and she's in full makeup and v plunge. 12 going on 19. Just so sad how some adults push children to grow up too quickly.

Yes. I'm in my 60s and I remember it being quite common. It was meant to get the kids protesting that they didn't like boy/girls. More of a bad joke at the kids expense than anything sinister.

YANBU but I think this is a bit of a generational thing. Almost every time either of my DD's say something about another kid from school or nursery to my MIL she says something about boys/boyfriends. And I have great aunts/uncles that do the same, in a teasing sort of way. Very odd but I don't think they're creepy just from a different generation.

Yes totally this, like a bad joke and way of teasing kids

OP, I think this is a bit grim regardless of the age of the DC. It is not just you. I know some GP who have been so persistent in the asking about boyfriends that their GC has made one up, complete with complex back story. Not sure they have completely sussed that they are being toyed with but I commend her creative approach to this situation.

I have come to the conclusion that nobody should ever ask anyone if they have a romantic partner at any age as if they want to tell you about it, they probably will, and it usually is their business alone.

You might struggle to retrofit such opinions to an older generation and it might not be worth too much angst. Your DC might not take any notice if you don't. It is very hard when family members have archaic viewpoints that don't align with your views. I have few solutions but buckets of sympathy.

I do think as well just because it was said 20/30/40 years ago and it was fine doesn’t mean it is now!

Omg don’t get me started. To my 5 week old DD a GP said to her “you won’t be able to eat like your brother does, he’ll burn it off.. you’ll get fat”

i erupted with laughter. Again another generational thing where the worst thing someone can be is overweight!!!!!

I don't like it either. I don't like it when people ask that about my 20 year old either tbh. If he's got a girlfriend then it's up to him if he wants to tell people.

I had the same, it used to be seen as gentle fun for relatives to tease small children about boyfriends/girlfriends. He's not unusual for his generation.

I think you can ask him to dial it back, but try not to make a massive deal out of how bad it is, esp in front of DS - mainly because you don't want your DS to be worried/scared about normal friendships with little girls, which he might think would upset you!

You could always explain to him that grandad is just teasing him and making a joke (if not a very funny one!).

What?

No, just sensible and not looking to get offended/outraged/indignant at absolutely everything.

I wouldn’t say creepy is the correct term. Creepy would be him asking your son if he kisses his girlfriends or other inappropriate questions.

It’s an outdated thing to say yes because we shouldn’t be pre labelling anyone’s sexuality and also we shouldn’t pressure young children into thinking that friendships with someone of the opposite sex are something different to friendships with those of the same sex.

Ok so - this is generational isn’t it. That’s exactly what my grandparents would have asked me. And teased me about in a joking way - lost teeth = kissing the boys!

inappropriate now yes - having girlfriends/boyfriends isn’t ok at 4. Everyone is just friends. And secondly - don’t make the assumption your son will ever have a girlfriend, he might have boyfriends and that’s absolutely fine!

Whatever your dad’s mindset, you’d love it if the small child responded completely deadpan: “that’s a really inappropriate comment for a person of your age to make to a young person, grandfather.”

I didn’t look to get offended. I’m not even offended, just think it’s a bit weird. But if you want to carry on that narrative to avoid having conversations to change behaviour to improve society then so be it Fudge

Ah it's just a bit of banter. I say it, always asking the kids how many girlfriends or boyfriends they have, thankfully the kids laugh and usually reply with numbers like 5, 10 . It's not sexual 😂

What does that mean?

I think this is a generational thing. When mine were young (About 4 months onwards!) older people would stop to make conversation and it nearly always involved making reference to attracting the opposite sex. My DS (who was a stunning baby, I may add) always got "he"ll break many a girl's heart" and DD got "pink makes the boys blink". It was always said in a very innocent, endearing way and it was slightly irritating but I didn't think much of it. I'd definitely say something if a younger person said it though, it's really not the done thing.

I'd find it creepy and my response to your father would be to say I don't give a shit if you think it's fine, I as his mother am telling you it's inappropriate so either you adjust your conversations going forward or it will become difficult for us to be around you. Especially with his previous history and that your gut as a child was clearly a bit uncomfortable with him. Listen to that. You don't need anyone else telling you this is or isn't fine.

Gut is everything in these types of interactions. My 80 year old wee aunt asks my son this and I know it's a nothing, but if someone else asked him the same thing and it alerted something in me that made me feel uncomfortable with it then I'm going to act on that and wouldn't be waiting for permission to.

Noone on here can comment on anything other than this man's word, but you know your gut instinct towards him is to put in distance.