AIBU to find it creepy when my father asks my 4YO about girlfriends?

[FunnyHazelPeer]

I have a 4YO DS. My parents are involved, relationship with my father has been strained but I have a good relationship with my mother so we are all around eachother.

Father asked my DS today how many girlfriends he has at school. I said that’s a weird and creepy thing to ask a child. He carried on saying I bet you have lots of girlfriends, all the girls love you.

At this point I snapped, and said to be quiet saying such stupid creepy things. DS looked at him like he had 4 heads - was very confused.

DS left the room and father told me I was being too sensitive he will have girlfriends. I said he’s FOUR!!!!!!!!!! It’s sooooo strange to be saying this to a child.

father said I’m controlling and DS will end up resenting me.

Am I in the wrong???? I think it’s creepy thing to ask???

There was definitely a lot of this type of comment about when I was little (I’m nearly 60) and it wasn’t usually about sexualising young children. It was more about winding kids up and saying something that would make them get all cross in a comical way so all the adults there could laugh together and say : “Bless.” Don’t know how old your dad is OP?

Its a bit grim but very common in older generations. little girls get "Oh, you are going to break hearts".
Its not meant creepily. Its a cack handed compliment. Older women do it too, not just men.

Yeah, thankfully we’ve moved on from making kids uncomfortable for the amusement of adults.

Really interesting that these comments are so split!

Father is 72, relationship strained wayyy before kids. I definitely agrees it’s an age thing, also a way to tease my child - which I also don’t understand? Is it fun to make kids feel embarrassed pointlessly? Understand kids can feel embarrassed from natural occurring incidents (like tripping up infront of ppl etc.) but why would you actively want to embarrass a child?

upon reflection it may have sparked an internal rage as he used to say this to me when I would play with boys when a child. I’d get embarrassed then not want to play with them. Actually actively encouraged me to hide things from my parents when it came to boys as I didn’t want to be teased. Certainly not something I want my children to do, I want them to be safe.

i don’t want my children to think they’ll get teased if they play with the opposite gender. They’ll have the rest of their lives for relationships!

I don’t understand the need to sexualise a child. Because if DS would say yes she’s my girlfriend is the next level of teasing “ooooh do you hold hands???” It just progresses a conversation that’s not appropriate.

I think let kids be kids without making weird comments about things like this

why? it's perfectly true, he might very well have a boyfriend when he grows up!

Also a bonus if it does shut the granddad down.

Yeah – this is an outdated way to interact with kids and it’s kind of cringe, but it’s not “sexualizing children,” for heaven’s sake. And even if OP’s son did have a “girlfriend,” it wouldn’t be a sexual thing, more like Alfalfa and Darla in “The Little Rascals.” (Excuse the American pop culture reference; I don’t know a similar British example.)

My eight-year-old daughter and her friend decided when they were five that they’re “girlfriend and boyfriend,” and will be getting married one day and living in a house with about twenty different pets. Next door to my husband and me, of course. 😂

I remember playing kiss chase at primary school and lots of sending little valentines notes to each other each year on February 14th. It was kind of Romantic.. like Barbie and Ken, and playing house.

I think us older folk are going to have to start calling younger ones ‘ creepy’ because they assume everything is sexual and ignore childhood as a time of a range of feelings being safe.

Yes but you as a child were engaging in kiss chase. Not been asked by grown men about relationships?

I wholeheartedly agree childhood should allow kids to feel safe. What part of me not wanting grown adults to ask questions about girlfriends indicates I don’t? If my child said it, I’d go with the flow and allow him to take the lead.

Absolutely, yes, as a child, we played that as well as the rather dastardly game ‘ knock down ginger’…! Which had nothing to do with ginger?!

the point I was making is, we didn’t have a censor where adults don’t mention your range of feelings. There was nothing dodgy or taboo about pretending to marry Stephen diwn the road, who is 8 years old.. it was innocent, so……. Why would an adult feel they mustn’t refer to it? It’s like saying adults mustn’t mention your Lego collection, because it’s for children.

The comparison to knock down ginger is hilarious.

absoloutley my child can pretend to marry who they like. Say they have a girlfriend/boyfriend whenever they please.

but a grown man randomly bringing it up and asking a question to a child who hasn’t even remotely said anything to prompt that question is odd.

im sure you think that wolf whistling is a compliment too.

I hate this too and in fact I hate it even with much older teens and adolescents.

One of my grandmothers, who was a lovely old lady in most ways, used to ask me all the time (in front of my parents) if I had any boyfriends, from the age of about 12 onwards. I know it was affectionate and tongue-in-cheek but I loathe the rush to push kids into "relationships" when they should be having fun and being carefree and not having to worry about any of that.

Also primary age kids talking about having "boyfriends" and "girlfriends". It always gets an indulgent smile from most people but I find it nauseating. Not only because of the over-sexualisation but also just the idea that everyone should be rushing headlong into coupledom as soon as they are old enough to speak.

Why can't people be more comfortable just being autonomous beings without the desperation to be attached to another person?

It's irritating and old-fashioned but I don't think it's 'creepy'. It's just a silly joke to tease kids. I have an elderly neighbour who says 'Morning sir, just off to work are we?' to the little boy who lives next door to him when he sees him being taken to school and I think the 'Have you got a girlfriend?' thing is along those lines really - it's just meant to be a silly thing to say to children, pretending you think they're an adult. I agree it's annoying, but kids also play at pretending to be adults all the time. I don't think there's any intention at all to sexualise kids, any more than kids playing 'weddings' or writing each other 'will you be my boyfriend' notes is sexualisation.

So yes, by all means tell your dad to stop doing it if you and your son don't like it, but I think it's a bit of a stretch to call it 'creepy'.

It's not remotely like wolf-whistling FFS. Joking to a child about having a girlfriend isn't an indication that you find them sexually attractive. That is every bit as stupid a comparison as the comparison to knock-down ginger, frankly.

YANBU to find your dad's jokes irritating and/or to tell him to pack it in, but you are over-thinking it if you think he's sexualising your child. Unless there's a massive drip-feed coming where you reveal that your dad is a convicted paedophile.

It's not creepy but it's stupid and utterly ridiculous. What planet is your father on. Your child's only 4 😳

My Dad used to say things like that when I was a child and it made me cringe.

Adults shouldn't say things to children that make them feel embarrassed.

This is silly. We make jokes about my friends 8 year old having loads of girlfriends

Yes that is weird and creepy. And him refusing to stop is not on at all.

Not quite the same but my family is obsessed with weight and being slim which is funny as none of them is slim and I had to stop them being weird about my (very slim) dcs and their weight. Going on about how much better people look when they're as slim as possible and "look at her! Not an ounce of fat on her" about a very young child as if it was some great compliment. Commenting about other people in the street being fat blah blah. The thing is they think they are being nice so you really have to explain it to them at which point you usually get a dismissive comment about how they don't buy modern parenting ideas.

Anyway, yanbu

Oh I see now you have resorted to belittling me because I’m offering an alternative point of view you can’t tolerate. I do apologise for impinging on your desire for an echo chamber.

Haha, I just saw my posts have loads of upvotes! Anyhow, ttfn.

You are confusing Mumsnet with Reddit possibly? There is no up or down voting on here

I think it's just something people say because kids love saying they have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I really don't think it's creepy, it's not like he's insinuating your 4 year olds are in an adult relationship

Absolutely agree. Creepy and inappropriate. In any case DS might be gay and asking him about girlfriends is stereotyping him - maybe tell Grandad that.

Maybe they really hate it x

Can I ask was this “creepy” feeling your Dad gave you a part of your own issues with him growing up.

As an adult I now realise that the men who gave off creepy vibes when I was a child are in fact creeps.

This particular type of men seem to enjoy a power play where they push women and children into discomfort for their own creepy kicks.

Lol I had a boyfriend at primary school age ( not at school obviously as was all girls) We had decided the deal was that we could be boyfriend/ girlfriend as long as we didn't have to do yukky things like kissing and cuddling.

Think only lasted a couple of weeks until I beat him in a bike race and he wasn't amused. Poor Trevor lol

But it wasn't sexualized in the slightest.

Seeing as id been younger than that when a male relative used to touch me up and get me to rub his dick..

So a kids " boyfriend/ girlfriend) at a young age is generally not sexualized. And many 4 year olds don't have a clue what sex even is. Not in their lexicon