Or is this weird

[Dinosaurdiva]

Just looking for an opinion on a situation with dh. For context, we live next door to his parents. Last night we were both sat in the lounge when he got up and walked out the house. He left his phone and was gone for around half an hour. This isn't unheard of, he often wanders off. He returned and sat down to watch the football. I didn't ask where he had been as assumed he had seen his brother/parents and gone for a chat. He didn't say anything to me all evening or today. I spoke to his mum this evening and turns out his dad was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and he has had surgery today. Not a word said to me about this despite numerous conversations. Surely this is weird?? Even in the moment of he was shocked/scared whatever, he has had plenty of time to mention it today?? Aibu to expect a basic level of communication

Yeah but the picture made it clear that's what he meant. And knowing him, I know that's what he meant. Because there are certain things he wants me to do and asks repeatedly for that I refuse.

I think he said not in that way because he realised that's exactly what he was saying it is.

It seemed borderline threatening. Particularly the fact that he added a gif of a woman crying. 'LOL, if I could control your mind, I'd like to force you against your will to do a sex act I constantly ask for and which would be bad enough to reduce you to tears of pain and humiliation' isn't a sentiment I'd want to hear from my DP, and I say that even speaking as someone who has a very high tolerance for edgy/dark humour.

Yeah that's exactly how it feels! I thought maybe I'm thinking too much into it because of the other day throwing me off. But I don't think that thought would ever cross my mind. Like if I'm having sex with someone I want it to be good for both people. It sort of feels like he keeps pushing because he doesn't care what I want or feel. And now there's this which makes me feel he only holds back because he has to. But also that maybe he is aware that he tries to manipulate and control me to get me to do what he wants.... It's sort of opened a can of worms.

Sorry, what?
Apart from the bad communication and wandering off, has he behaved like this before? How long have you known each other?
This really doesn't sound normal to me.

He's mega controlling.

He monitors you but controls what info you're allowed to have about your FIL being taken to the hospital. That's nuts.

Just read the in your head post. Yes, that's rapey af. On the controlling scale, he's at batshit.

Known each other for 24 years! I don't know whether he is getting worse or I'm being more aware of it all. Or both. It feels a bit like his mask accidentally slipped as he wouldn't usually make a 'joke' like that to me. He makes sexual jokes but nothing to that extend and sort of feels like he didn't mean to. And deleting them seems odd too. I expected him to not address it when I said it wasn't ok, but why would he need to delete them?? Just move or say sorry, didn't mean it like that!

Wow.
Main character syndrome extreme!

Me??

No ..your dh. Everything is about him, in his head.
Thats why he doesnt have to share info..but must be included in everything.

Are most of the things that he 'doesn't mention' to you things that he knows might provoke an emotional or angry response in you, OP?

Because I would wonder if he doesn't know how to deal with you unless you are absolutely calm and straightforward and he gets panicked by any show of emotion on your part, so he doesn't say anything that might get any reply other than 'ok'.

But he does sound very controlling and odd.

Oh sorry! I'm a bit of a mess right now so not super clear

I don't mean this in a nasty way but I wouldn't see anybody living next to their in-laws as a normal relationship.

I know two families that do this in my extended family and friendship group and more with the families that I support through work. Most of them work because there are boundaries on place that are respected. It doesn't seem weird to me.
Op's DH behaviour the other hand is weird!

Maybe. I think possibly he sees me as a reflection of how successful he is. So can't cope anytime I have any emotion other than happy!! Either because he can't be bothered or because it makes him uncomfortable??

if you can’t get your head round his behaviour after all these years I think it’s fair to suggest you are fundamentally incompatible. What’s the point in being together when he says and does things that you don’t like or understand?

Nobody can tell you why he does what he does but he’s not likely to get any better so you are either stuck with this behaviour forever or you leave him.

So if you are really upset and crying, does he try to comfort you or does he just pop next door to sit with his parents until you stop?

Because I am thinking that he cannot process other people's emotions at all and I am worried that you dare not be anything other than almost cartoonishly happy because he will just blank you otherwise.

Yeah I would say I have very minimal emotions round him. If I'm excited about something he will tell me to calm down. If I'm upset he will ignore me or tell me to stop and get my act together. I wouldn't seek him out for any comfort. I would tell him things but leave the emotions out of it

I think he has changed though. I mean there are patterns over time but just recently it seems he has really upped the oddness.....

So this is an exact conversation we had earlier this morning before the one about controlling my mind...
Him: what you doing?
Me: same as always, writing reports. I'm ready for the summer holidays now.
Him: they will soon be here.
Me: no soon enough. I need a break. If we keep having weather like this, I'll be happy.
Him: I hope it is hotter so you'll have to be naked. With sun cream on. I'll rub it in.
Then proceeded to talk about where he wanted to rub it.
I feel like I reached out to express that I'm a bit exhausted but everything and he totally dismissed it and turned it to sex.....

Oh that's horribly sleazy..... I don't think you need me to tell you that though.

When my oh gets a bit sleaze it gives me the ick totally but it's usually cause we haven't had much 'playtime' of late

v v deeply odd

Yeah that did give me a bit of the ick but he is always like that and I do get it's ok to be a bit flirty. But I just feel like he totally dismisses me if I say anything other than "yeah good thanks!" Which after so many years gets kinda boring!! There's a time and a place for some banter but I was trying to open up a conversation about how totally burnt out I am. But I don't know why I tried. Maybe as a bit of a test to see if it was his reaction or my lack or trying that was the issue??

This is weird. All of it. Research how to switch the tracker app over to you. He’s tracking you - it’s your car, you should have the app on your phone.
the fact he’s being a bit rapey and being weird would be enough to want to divorce. I wouldn’t be eating or drinking anything he gave me. Or having sex with him.