Or is this weird

[Dinosaurdiva]

Just looking for an opinion on a situation with dh. For context, we live next door to his parents. Last night we were both sat in the lounge when he got up and walked out the house. He left his phone and was gone for around half an hour. This isn't unheard of, he often wanders off. He returned and sat down to watch the football. I didn't ask where he had been as assumed he had seen his brother/parents and gone for a chat. He didn't say anything to me all evening or today. I spoke to his mum this evening and turns out his dad was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and he has had surgery today. Not a word said to me about this despite numerous conversations. Surely this is weird?? Even in the moment of he was shocked/scared whatever, he has had plenty of time to mention it today?? Aibu to expect a basic level of communication

Im beginning to think so! I was sat out with dd today when he came home and he text me saying he was inside as his foot hurt. So he can text me to let me know that, but not that his dad is in hospital. This has really thrown me and made me feel weird

He pumps you for information but keeps really important things from you - not telling you he is going off with his friends for a holiday, not telling you his Dad was taken to hospital.
He has history for just walking out or driving off somewhere without saying where he is going. But he tracks your car.

I wonder what else you don't know about his life and what he does OP because it seems he doesn't share much about it at all. It doesn't sound like a partnership at all.

No, it’s so strange. A very close relative had a heart attack on holiday and didn’t mention it to his wife. She found out purely because he had a second one just as they landed at the airport coming home. When he was hospitalised, he mentioned it then. Absolutely baffling. He never talks about feelings, doesn’t like hugs, doesn’t like people being ill. Is your DH a bit closed off emotionally like this too?

Have you asked him? I would be letting my DH know in no uncertain terms that he has been weird and that I was annoyed with him for not letting me know.

Yes he knows I am annoyed. Seems to think he is right to have said nothing. He is generally closed off about things. Not sure when it got so bad, he wasn't always like this. But on reflection maybe he was and it's only recently it's occured to me how odd it is.

Massively weird.

And remove the tracker.

And have a long hard think about this relationship.

Not normal behaviour OP. Your children aren't little, they're teenagers and perfectly able to understand if their granddad is unwell. The fact he seems to be oblivious that his behaviour is odd is even more worrying.

He tracks your car, so therefore likes to know your whereabouts but then feels it's acceptable to book a lads holiday and not tell you. He sounds controlling, and him not telling you things, is his way of having control/power over you.

I don't mean this in a nasty way but I wouldn't see anybody living next to their in-laws as a normal relationship. Subsequently the wandering off that would seem odd to most people is probably normal life when you live next door

Hmm there is something not right about this, it sounds to me like he wanted to make you look bad in front of his parents. What makes it even worse is that he's used his Dad's sudden illness to do that, absolutely terrible behaviour. And not telling you where he's going, even going on holiday without telling you but then tracking your car?! It's bordering on abusive, if not already abusive.

He is controlling you. This is highly controlling behaviour.

He's controlling you by insisting he has all the info, and also by deciding not to give you the info. It's all linked, it's the same thing. He is aware of what he's doing and it's 100% on purpose. He likes having that power.

Trust me, I know. My ex used to do this (amongst many many other things). Once he even told one of his mates he enjoyed leaving me constantly confused and wondering. He got a kick out of it. It made him feel powerful.

Did you tell his Mum that he hadn't told you? Because I absolutely would have done, no way would I be made to feel bad for not checking in.

My DH is like this. It’s from how he was brought up. I’ve convinced myself it’s part of the charm.

But presumably you didn't say a word either? Obviously his behaviour is weird and incommunicative, but surely you'd have said 'Everything OK? Wherever you been?' when he came back?

Has he got dementia?

Those are the only people I know who just get up and wander off.

That is odd. When my husbands uncle broke his arm and needed a lift back from the hospital we both went. I assume I would accompany him if one of his parents was in hospital, admittedly we don't live as close as you and mine doesn't usually wander off. Is he known for not opening up to you? If it was a distressing moment for him he may not have wanted to dwell on or revisit it?

Does he struggle with theory of mind? My father (I suspect autistic, though undiagnosed) does — he doesn’t seem to grasp that it’s not enough for him to know something, he needs to communicate it to other involved parties. He had a habit of taking my toddler off for what was supposed to be a 20-minute walk around the block and be gone for 2/3 hours, and I’d phone hi mobile, only to discover he’d left his phone at home. He used to be totally bewildered and say ‘But I knew he was fine!’ And I’d have to explain, over and over, that DS and I needed to catch a flight/make an appointment etc, and that he needed to be contactable.

We’re currently having a bigger version of it because he’s in his 80s and not in good health, and has moved all of his and mum’s banking, bills and insurance online. My mother can’t even turn on a PC and has no access to any of this stuff, and as she will almost certainly survive him, we’ve asked him to write down some details, passwords etc, but he just looks baffled and says ‘But I know where everything is’. And we say ‘Yes, but if you’re dead, that’s no help.’ Etc etc.

I think he’d have done exactly what your DH did.

It could be he was kind of in shock and didn't want to talk about it until he thought his dad was definitely ok? Or the dad himself insisted nobody made a fuss and DH took it a bit far?

I hope FiL is alright now. People do sometimes act s bit strange after a medical emergency. They either get hysterically upset, or go really quiet and don't want to talk about it.

I would try not to hold it against him but do try and see how he's feeling and if he wants to talk about it.

Well get rid of the fucking tracker in your car for starters!

He's weird as well as controlling. Why should he be kept informed of all YOUR movements when he doesn't reciprocate?? Fuck that.

Is he autistic?

This is really strange behaviour. The wandering off is weird enough on its own, let alone not telling you about the hospital. Your children are well old enough to be told this kind of info.

Nah, he knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it on purpose.

He sounds very communication avoidant - does he find it stressful? Is it possible that he tracks your car so he can know what's happening without having to talk?

He reminds me of my husband and it often just doesn't occur to him to share information about himself.

In this particular situation might be has been processing it still and if was too complex and painful to communicate
Can you talk to his mum about him and see if she can shed any light? If he's like his dad perhaps she just thinks that's what men are like?

Your MIL brought up her to son to behave extreme weirdly.

Yes, of course. Men’s weird behaviour is always the fault of a woman!

Your husband sounds completely mad to me.

You know that he is 'passively aggressively' controlling you right? Your next move is to figure out why, because none of this is normal.
Good luck - & never forget you deserve better...

It really doesn't matter if he is. It's not right.