AIBU to want us both to check gym plans with a baby?

[SleepyWhippetMum]

I had a baby 9 weeks ago and prior to this did a fair bit of exercise in the form of running, Peleton and gym classes. My DP also goes to the gym around 3 times a week.

Since I was pregnant and baby arriving, my exercise has tailed off but I have started to pick up again the last couple of weeks and am finally feeling a bit more like myself.

Last night DP said he's going to the gym tomorrow after work. I was a bit annoyed that he just told me and I made a point of saying that how did he know I didn't have something on, and that I think it would be polite for us both to check with each other each week what our plans are as there's two of us now exercising again and it's not fair to just assume I'll fit round him and just look after the baby like I do everyday.

He got really upset and said I'm trying to control him and make him ask permission to do the things he enjoys. This is absolutely not what I want or what I was saying but he won't listen.

FWIW I have absolutely no plans to do anything Thursday evening, I just felt like he should have considered that I might. So AIBU and acting controlling?

Yes nip this in the bud now

Trying to talk about fair exercise time - means you’re controlling
Talking about domestic or parenting jobs - you will be a nag

So predictable

Why don’t you do the same to him tomorrow so he knows what it feels like and why you asked him to check his plans with you?

Sounds like he expects you to be the default carer for your baby. Nip that in the bud!

Yes I think you may be right, and if I had actually made plans I'm fairly sure he would have happily agreed to change his. I just got irritated and made a childish comment that then turned into an argument. The controlling comments struck a nerve as it tends to be his default response whenever I say anything he feels might be a criticism.

It's definitely a needed conversation, but I can see the approach was wrong here 😬

He said "I'm going to the gym tomorrow night" you heard "you are looking after the baby tomorrow night".

Youre right to nip this in the bud. Dh and I will always ask the other if they're ok being solo because of our plans. It's not saying please can I go to the gym it's saying please can you take full responsibility of the kids.

I wouldn't dream of asking dh if I could go to the gym whilst the kids are in school and similarly if they're in school I don't really care what he's up to. But if he's opting out of bedtime he needs to ask me to cover him and visa versa.

Letting you know the day before is checking with you. You would have said "I have an appointment" or "could you go later as I would like to attend class tom night too"

Let this be the sign that you both need to start communicating better with each other, it is SO important once you have children.

It’s not asking permission, it’s considerate to check, and equally making passive aggressive comments isn’t going to breed good communication either.

Wooah there.

If you'd made plans you'd have been in the wrong for not running them past him first. It's even worse that you have the expectations that he'd cancel his plans, for ones you hadn't even run past him.

He absolutely shouldn't be expected to change his plans for ones that you hadn't already booked in, and vice versa. Either had set days to do things like gym, or put things on a calendar.

Yep you’re default carer; he thinks he can do what he wants.

See also: game of childcare chicken.

“He got really upset and said I'm trying to control him and make him ask permission to do the things he enjoys. This is absolutely not what I want or what I was saying but he won't listen.”

You need to sort this out before you become the default parent - and none of what he’s said here suggests he’s taking his parenting responsibility seriously or as a joint enterprise.

Good you are nipping in the bud. You guys need to talk and he needs to understand and after a night and say with baby you likely need a break, not for him to F off wherever and when where he wants. Even if you guys agreed he goes to gym tomorrow, he should check in with you before that you haven’t had a hell of a day and need a break despite the agreement. It’s what a decent and considerate partner would do. I was on my DH’s back the first year and he got in line quick. I refused to be the default parent!

This is a hard transition for everyone concerned I think. Before a baby you can generally make spontaneous plans but becoming parents adds a level of compromise and organisation into the mix and you have to find a way around it that works for you both and doesn't lead to resentment.

I have some things I do each week on specific nights that I try to do if at all possible and so does DH. We try to ensure we both get to do things that are important. He forgets half of it and I do get irritated having to re-explain who is going where when but he makes up for it by being pretty creative with childcare solutions. When DD was a baby, he managed to still do plenty of things with her in tow. Newborns are portable in my opinion and they don't mind an hour in a pub beer garden while someone else goes for a run and then collects them.

I think the skill of negotiating this is make or break in marriages so it is worth talking about when everyone is calm. I think it also helps to have wider support. If you have been home alone with a baby and the other parent goes straight from work, that can be hard. Being out of the house with a baby is weirdly easier and support comes in many guises: hanging out with other mums can be a huge help in not feeling hard done by, in my experience.

When we had a newborn my DH often came home after work and then went out again, and would take DD off my hands in the time he was there, or would go for a run when DD was asleep. I would go for a quick walk or do something I wanted to do for half an hour knowing I wasn't on call. A solo trip to a supermarket was quite inviting if I'd had enough.

I think feeling like you are doing all of it and someone else is doing less and having all the fun they want without considering you is corrosive in relationships. I think men find this transition hard too and keeping friendships and exercise/hobbies going is essential for all. You just need to make it fair for you both.

Ask who’s looking after the baby.

Sorry I can’t get past the ‘baby 9 weeks ago and now going to the gym’ this has to be a stealth brag. Either way. Massive kudos. But your partner sounds like a bit of a loser - is he perhaps suffering from hormonal imbalances post birth?!

Can you find a gym with childcare?
Ideally you should both go, and maybe set times when each of you is both "free" to do whatever you want outside your fixed work times.

Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do.
If you are both gym goers you need to sort out who is going what days, shocked that you didn’t think of that before you had the baby.

Get a handle on this now because this is life until the baby is a teenager! One of you needs to be home, or alternate childcare needs to be arranged.

My daughter is nearly 12 and I miss the days when I could just go for a drink or a swim after work completely spontaneously. But that is life with children.

I disagree that OP needs to 'grow up.' Having a baby is a big change, at any age. I had mine at 37 and it was quite a transformation to my life, regardless of being really quite old and having step DC who lived with us half the week. It was a good change and I don't regret it but a bit of compromise and planning ahead plus creative use of time can make it work better. Small babies are awesome but relentless and I found sleep deprivation didn't always lead to seeing solutions instantly. At 9 weeks in OP sounds like she is doing brilliantly, regardless of her age.

YANBU and I’d point out its actually quite controlling of him to tell you he’s going to the gym as then you have no choice but to look after the baby or else nobody is - the child can’t be left alone so obviously he needs to check that you don’t have plans. Slippery slope this

You are of course correct. What would he have responded if you said “oh cool - I am going to the gym too”.

He’s already started to assume you are the default parent.

I don’t know how you are reading it that way. Clearly she is questioning him assuming she is the default parent

No we're definitely reading it right, because she subsequently said that if she was planning on going out she thought he'd cancel for her.

She seems to expect he will check his plans but she doesn't need to do the same.