AIBU to feel uneasy leaving baby overnight for a child-free wedding?

[Overthinkingotter]

Family wedding this weekend. Kids not allowed. We have a 2.5-year-old and 8-month-old baby. In-laws are looking after them for us whilst we go to wedding.

Wedding is a nearly 2 hour drive from our house.

Original plan (made when I was still pregnant) was that in laws would have them and we would have a whole night away.

Inevitably, it doesn’t seem that straightforward now he’s here! He’s EBF and fussy about a bottle and sleeps with me. He wakes every 2-3 hours overnight and I feed him back to sleep. He also doesn’t take a dummy and cries quite a lot (compared to our eldest, who did take a dummy).

My daughter stayed away overnight for 2 nights at a similar age and it was fine- but it was with my parents and she took a dummy (still think it was quite rough)

For ages now I’ve been planning on just staying sober and driving back at some point, but people keep encouraging me to just suck it up and leave them overnight. In laws are great (it’s nothing to do with their ability to look after the kids) and they’re willing to do overnight; I just know it will probably be an awful ordeal for them and not sure I will be able to relax at the wedding!

YABU: it’s one night- enjoy it!

YANBU: don’t drive and drive back to your needy baby

Any opinions/own experiences welcome please.

It probably will be rough on your inlaws, especially with the heat.

But it's ONE night and they can catch up on their sleep the next day.

If they're happy to do it, I'd let them.

It’s completely up to you. Of course your baby will be okay but it’s still tough. I struggled with child- free weddings when my kids were little. We had to go to a wedding abroad when my baby was 11 months and I found that hard and deep down I didn’t enjoy it. But I didn’t show it.. I went as my husband was best man.

Do whatever works for you and don’t let anybody guilt you into making a decision.

If In-laws are happy I’d go. I went to a wedding when my youngest was 7 months old. He was left with my parents and was fine. I suppose the difference was he was exclusively bottle fed which did make things a lot easier.

Nobody has to go to any weddings. If it's child free they will have to accept you may not go.
It's up to you.Their choice to get married and have a child free wedding is nothing to do with you. As long as they are there, that's all that matters. Hate all this wedding fuss. Loads of people's marriages break down anyway.
It's an invitation not a summons.

Does baby actually take a bottle? I think there’s a difference between being fussing and outright refusing to have any milk from
it.

We had a child free wedding when my daughter was 1 but she never ever took a bottle and wasn’t night weaned. We had a wedding in Scotland and I spoke to the bride who was my friend and explained that in the planning I didn’t think it would be a problem because I thought she’d be able to go all night without milk/might take a bottle but now it was closer to the time I just couldn’t leave her with my parents for 2 nights. It would have been 2 nights because of the travel distances.

My friend was happy for her to go to the wedding and there was another baby there too with someone who’s husband has been deployed and they had no childcare.

On mumsnet we seem to hear about people being really cut throat about a wedding being child free but none of the ones I’ve been to have been like that. The bride and groom have usually allowed babies.

Friends who are grandparents stayed in a hotel very near a similar wedding venue, to look after their grandchild while mum and dad were at a wedding. Would this be possible? You could go and feed the baby at some point and be with them that night or early morning?

My son was EBF, but he refused point blank to take a bottle (regardless if the contents were formula or breast milk). Will your baby take a bottle at all? Or is the child difficult to take a bottle? I think my opinion depends on the answer to the question. Also are your in-laws willing to co-sleep with your baby? Personally, if your baby is difficult taking a bottle or refuses, then I wouldn't be staying overnight.

Agree that this really depends on whether baby actually takes a bottle. Both my ebf babies refused, despite taking it sometimes when I was around, and there’s no way I could have left them overnight at that age. You know your baby, but mine both screamed for the boob if I ever went out for an evening and it was very stressful for all involved (including me). If you’re worrying about it I’d stay sober so I had the option of coming back – if wakes every couple of hours you’ll know by early evening whether he’s being settled with a bottle or not, and then you could make a decision. It’s so tough with little ones!

In my experience babies are totally different with grandparents than parents anyway. It’s a bit like when people suggest dad does evening/night bottles when trying to wean off the breast as baby realises it’s not available so just go with the bottle.
if the grandparents are aware that it might be rough and are still happy to do it I would go as it’s perfectly possible it will be fine for them.
if however you really think it’s going to be unbearable for you then you just give your apologies and don’t go.

It will probably be rough on our in laws but if they are willing to do it, then I would take the offer. As long as your baby does take a bottle eventually when you are not around even if fussy about it.

I didn't EBF but alot of friends did. Recently we did a child free friends weekend away (baby free by our friends choice) and their baby was about 6 months EBF. Refused to take a bottle from mum or dad but with grandparents was absolutely fine.

You shouldn’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with as the mum. My daughter is almost 3, she’s only just weaning off the breastfeeding at the moment because I’m pregnant with #2. I’ve only done one full night away from her, and that was a couple of weeks ago because I was first trimester, poorly and had a migraine - but she was literally next door with my parents.

In my head, I know my parents can handle whatever she throws at them, and if they don’t sleep they don’t sleep and they can sleep in the day - however, I wasn’t comfortable with the thought of her wanting or needing me and not being able to get to her. It’s different now she’s older, but even in the younger days I’d have people saying to me “oh they’ll be fine, go and enjoy yourself!”, but I never wanted to enjoy myself at the expense of my child’s stress levels. Maybe I’m a helicopter parent, but that’s the way I feel.

They’re young for such a short period of time, they won’t always need us like this. If you’re not comfortable, you won’t enjoy yourself anyway! Do what makes you feel comfortable and ignore any feelings of what you ‘should’ be doing at this stage.

Definitely ask if you can take the baby!

We had a child free wedding (well, the kids all went home at 7) and of course the baby was welcome to stay! He slept in his buggy through most of the partying & his mum got to have a dance & socialise.

Can you not leave the toddler with grandparents and take the baby to the wedding? Check with the bride and groom of course.

If your baby does take a bottle and in-laws know it could be a hard haul then I’d leave them to it. It’s only one night and the baby might be totally different without you (and your milk) being there!

Do what you feel comfortable with, not what you feel pressured to do by others.

We didn’t leave our children until we knew they wouldn’t be upset. We wouldn’t have enjoyed time away knowing they wanted us and knowing whoever they were with was probably having a difficult time because of that.

I wouldn’t go. I don’t think anyone has the moral right to separate a breastfeeding mother from her baby - it’s for that mother to decide when she can leave the baby, nobody else’s, not even for “their day”. If they want to exclude an entire sector of society - and the family - from their wedding, that’s their prerogative, but they need to accept that the consequence of that is that some young families won’t be able to comply.

You are a mother, and this is your baby. Whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do. Do not be swayed by what friends and family think.

Personally I wouldn't have enjoyed the wedding in that situation. If practicality and finances allowed I would have got MIL to stay near the wedding with the kids so I could pop back to feed if needed. If that wasn't an option I would have driven home. But that does not mean that is right for you.

Follow your instincts, whatever they are.

'Definitely ask if you can take the baby!'

Definitely DON'T do this! If they've said it's a childfree wedding, then don't put them in the position of having to say no, and don't be the person who thinks the rules don't apply to their baby

That said, if you really do feel uneasy about leaving baby, then don't put yourself through hell over it

I personally couldn’t enjoy myself knowing somewhere out there my baby was crying for boob and their mama.
I tended to install baby at the venue in a room with whoever was looking after them (usually my husband) and I’d pop over and back to feed them throughout the evening. And then be with them overnight. I’ve had 3 breastfed babies now and I find that’s what works the best for us.

I think my friend was very tactful and said
'Were trying to make plans for your wedding, I was wondering if we could bring baby for the day as he's still BF, if not, don't worry & we will try and make another plan'

Hardly a stressful high pressure tactic.
But whatever, I shall revise my advice now it's made clear that my friends were 'those people'.

You know your friends and whether they would feel affronted by a polite query whether the presence of a baby would ruin their day - act accordingly.

Please don't ask to bring or attempt to bring baby which cries a lot to CF wedding.

As pps said, do what you feel best with. They might grumble because it's so close to the date, but things happen. That's it

From a grandmother’s point of view, if you have explained to them how difficult it will be and they understand this, go away and enjoy yourself

I wouldn’t go. If you’re somewhere hot I wouldn’t leave a breastfed baby who isn’t keen on bottles. At that age in heatwaves both of mine went completely off food and only wanted loafs of short feeds. That’s normal infant behaviour and I’d prioritise my baby over a couple who’d exclude the baby.

I couldn't have done it. DC1 would eventually take a bottle of breastmilk in the day so at 8 months I could go out for a few hours but not overnight or at bedtime. DC2 never had a bottle at all so definitely couldn't leave her for more than a few hours between feeds.

I'd would be declining the wedding and explaining why. I also think it's fine to double-check you can't bring the baby. It's perfectly possible to do so politely and in a way that doesn't put any pressure on the couple. They may just have not realised it's an issue. As long as you accept their answer there's nothing wrong with asking.

I'd stay sober with the intention of staying the night if possible. That way if you aren't enjoying yourself/the inlaws aren't coping/kids aren't settling you have an escape route available.

Just don’t go. I haven’t been to a child-free wedding since having my DC. No way am I using my precious childcare, and all the faff of prepping food/routines/pumping milk etc., for a wedding. Especially not overnight.

People can choose to do whatever they like, but they should realise that making a wedding child-free means that families with young children won’t be able to attend, or only one of the couple will attend.