AIBU to feel uneasy leaving baby overnight for a child-free wedding?

[Overthinkingotter]

Family wedding this weekend. Kids not allowed. We have a 2.5-year-old and 8-month-old baby. In-laws are looking after them for us whilst we go to wedding.

Wedding is a nearly 2 hour drive from our house.

Original plan (made when I was still pregnant) was that in laws would have them and we would have a whole night away.

Inevitably, it doesn’t seem that straightforward now he’s here! He’s EBF and fussy about a bottle and sleeps with me. He wakes every 2-3 hours overnight and I feed him back to sleep. He also doesn’t take a dummy and cries quite a lot (compared to our eldest, who did take a dummy).

My daughter stayed away overnight for 2 nights at a similar age and it was fine- but it was with my parents and she took a dummy (still think it was quite rough)

For ages now I’ve been planning on just staying sober and driving back at some point, but people keep encouraging me to just suck it up and leave them overnight. In laws are great (it’s nothing to do with their ability to look after the kids) and they’re willing to do overnight; I just know it will probably be an awful ordeal for them and not sure I will be able to relax at the wedding!

YABU: it’s one night- enjoy it!

YANBU: don’t drive and drive back to your needy baby

Any opinions/own experiences welcome please.

100% agree

I don’t see what’s wrong with explaining the situation to the bride and groom and asking if baby can come. They can still say no and you can still expect that they might say no.

ALL of the ‘child free’ weddings I’ve been to have had one or two babies. Most people would prefer their friend to be there with a baby than their friend not be able to share the day with them.

I think a lot of us go through this to some extent - but I am genuinely sorry that your friend is being inconsiderate in sending you the breastfeeding pictures. She is likely just being innocently thoughtless - happy to share her joy and just not thinking, the result of which is upsetting for you, and reasonably so.

My advice would be not to say anything - she will likely get over the phase and things will go back to normal. Asking for less photos will seem harsh and may permanently damage your friendship.

Instead, take practical steps to remove this from the front of your mind. Change WhatsApp settings so the photos aren’t automatically downloaded, and then “lock” her message on WhatsApp. You can then go onto her messages when you feel like you can (maybe for two minutes every few days) without them constantly popping up. Say “wonderful!” and do a few hearts, and that’s that. She is likely sending these to lots of people so won’t notice if every photo isn’t individually commented on immediately. She’ll be happy and you can both chug along - and hopefully have some lovely times as friends going forwards.

Wrong thread?

I don’t think either option would be unreasonable.

I think people pestering you to stay at the wedding are unreasonable.

I left my first alone a bit younger for a child free wedding. Honestly I regretted it. I didn't have fun and just missed him the whole time. I'd say wait until you feel ready. These days I rarely travel without kids (other than for work).

I think if you’ve explained to grandparents that the baby is a bit fussy and they are still willing to have them over night then I’d go and enjoy myself. We left our LO at 8 months for a wedding (wasn’t BF however) and he was a nightmare sleeper, they were so happy to have him for us and they very easily caught up on their own sleep the following day.

How bizarre! My mistake - ignore this!

Personally I would be staying sober and coming home early evening or not going at all.

Do what YOU want to do. I don't blame people having kid free weddings, as some parents don't bother to take care of their kids and let them misbehave, but they have to accept not everyone can come, or might leave early.

That’s actually a great idea! Have asked. I expect they’ll say no, but worth a try

Good idea- have asked. That’s encouraging that you’re seen a few babies at ‘child free’ weddings in the past

You can't leave an ebf baby who is fussy with a bottle, won't have a dummy and wakes repeatedly overnight. You should have started preparing weeks ago to get him used to overnight stays.

Just drive and come home. I wouldn't ask to take an 8month to a child free wedding tbh.

I wouldn't have enjoyed a wedding if I was worried about the kids.
It's just the way I am.
It's good to have a social life of your own but at that age I never left mine.
I missed loads of cousins weddings but that was my choice.

Why the hell should she have started preparing him weeks ago for overnight stays? A tiny baby doesn’t need overnight stays with anyone but his mother. Should we all do this, just in case we get summoned to the Special Day of a relative who doesn’t want children anywhere near them? Madness.

I think you’re doing the right thing to ask. A lot of people exclude children for numbers but babies don’t add to that. If they say no I’d trust your instinct and not go, or go and then drive home if that’s really what you feel like doing. Like someone said it’s an invitation not a summons and it’s totally fine to say you thought you’d be at a stage to be able to leave baby but you’re not. I hate this pressure for mums to leave breastfed babies before they feel ready, it’s always framed as “have a night off and relax!” but people who’ve not been in that situation can’t understand how painful it can be both physically and emotionally.

Why can’t your in-laws come with you and stay at the same hotel? We left the kids in the hotel, went to the wedding and then came back to them. 2 hours isn’t far though and I would 100% be driving back.

I couldn't have been apart from my bf 8 month old for that period of time.

Baby would have needed to come with me (with grandparents in hotel possibly) or I'd have stayed at home.

Nothing to do with trust in grandparents, and everything to do with removing the major source of liquid and nutrients for a baby who ate pretty well.

I would just drive home.

The fact the baby is EBF and usually sleeps with you make it a bit silly to try and stay away just to be able to have a couple of drinks.
You are lucky enough to have Grandparents able and willing to take a toddler and baby for the many hours you will be away if you just drive there and drive home on the same day. Appreciate that, and come home.

Don't do it if you don't want to.

Mine are grown up now but my blood pressure still rises when I remember being invited to a child free wedding and declining (which was fine, up to them to do it that way, up to me/ us to decline) and then being gaslighted by other adjacent relatives saying that the couple were giving us an "opportunity to let our hair down without the kids" and an excuse/ chance to have a night away, as though we wouldn't have thought of doing that if we'd actually wanted to and what's more been able to go somewhere closer by just the two of us instead of someone else's wedding with all the extra expense of a gift and appropriate outfits over and above a normal night away!

grr.

Don't be bullied/ emotionally blackmailed/ gaslighted - do what you actually, genuinely feel comfortable with.

I’d ditch the wedding and get home to your little one. You won’t be missing much - it’s the inclusion of children and family of all generations that makes weddings special imo. Child free weddings are soulless.

All those saying take the baby or don’t go, I hope you were as happy with this at your own weddings

As much as I believe in the village and family help etc, it sounds like you'd worry and he'd be unhappy? So why not stay sober and drive back, it seems a good compromise. I'm sure you deserve a big night out but with an EBF baby at home, one who is still reliant on milk for hydration as he's under 1, I think I'd just have to accept that if I were your pals.

I had a tricky boy who I knew I can't leave overnight for the longest time, it's just how it is with the roll of the dice sometime.s

I wouldn’t have dreamed of trying to separate a breastfeeding mother from her baby just so I could have the aesthetic I wanted. It is incredibly crass and self-absorbed. Weddings used to be a celebration of loving family relationships, not a glorified photo shoot with overpriced cake.

Some people worry about babies crying through the vows so depending on how close you are/how important it is that you’re in the service, you could also say that you or your husband could sit that bit out, so there is no disturbance of the vows. The rest of the day tends to be noisy anyway.