AIBU to feel uneasy leaving baby overnight for a child-free wedding?

[Overthinkingotter]

Family wedding this weekend. Kids not allowed. We have a 2.5-year-old and 8-month-old baby. In-laws are looking after them for us whilst we go to wedding.

Wedding is a nearly 2 hour drive from our house.

Original plan (made when I was still pregnant) was that in laws would have them and we would have a whole night away.

Inevitably, it doesn’t seem that straightforward now he’s here! He’s EBF and fussy about a bottle and sleeps with me. He wakes every 2-3 hours overnight and I feed him back to sleep. He also doesn’t take a dummy and cries quite a lot (compared to our eldest, who did take a dummy).

My daughter stayed away overnight for 2 nights at a similar age and it was fine- but it was with my parents and she took a dummy (still think it was quite rough)

For ages now I’ve been planning on just staying sober and driving back at some point, but people keep encouraging me to just suck it up and leave them overnight. In laws are great (it’s nothing to do with their ability to look after the kids) and they’re willing to do overnight; I just know it will probably be an awful ordeal for them and not sure I will be able to relax at the wedding!

YABU: it’s one night- enjoy it!

YANBU: don’t drive and drive back to your needy baby

Any opinions/own experiences welcome please.

Lots of weddings are child free but not baby free. However the couple are not going to want crying or any disruption from babies so baby etiquette is always needed. I’d take up the offer - you are so lucky to have it. If you really cannot go, you have left it awfully late to be a no show and that’s quite rude. Seating plans and food will have been paid for and you won’t be popular. Or can you book a hotel and in laws and dc stay local?

don't put them in the awful position of asking to take the baby. They have said child free for a reason.

YANBU- I would have refused to attend entirely, so it’s good of you to go to any of it.

Not unreasonable to feel this way, but you should go. It's only one night and you can pump. I was in this position and went to a hen weekend. I think that was too long really but still glad I went, I showed myself I could do it. Get the baby practiced with taking a bottle or sippy cup beforehand. Either way, he will survive one night without continuous milk and have a massive drink in the morning - might even kick start him into sleeping better at night.

I had a vv similar circumstance with my 2nd when they were 7 months old (except it was a wedding just for me to go to and my OH was going to stay with both kids). I had agreed to go and stay 2 nights when I was pregnant, forgetting just how tough it could be. In the end DH and both kids came and stayed nearby. Baby took a bit of bottle during the day but I went home early eve and did the night feeding and cosleeping.
They weaned at 13 months just in time for another wedding that I could stay over and enjoy myself at!

Do what you both will feel comfortable with but don’t feel pressured to go, lots of mums want to stay close to their babies in the first year!

I was happy to have children at my wedding, didn't want to exclude them.

If you choose to have a child free wedding you have to accept some people invited may not be able to attend. Nobody is wrong in that situation.

I also don't see the harm in explaining the situation and asking if babies are included in the ban. If you're being invited to someone's wedding presumably you're close enough to them to ask this, and if you're not why would you be bothered about just not going.

Of course. All children were invited to our wedding. As were two who were still bumps at the time invitations went out but due before the wedding. Wouldn't dream of not inviting children and especially a baby.

One couple didn't come because they didn't feel up to it with their 2 month old which I was a bit sad about but of course understood.

I wouldn’t leave an EBF eight-month-old overnight, personally. It just wouldn’t have felt worth it. Neither of my kids took a bottle. They’re only little for a short time. Being with them was more important than going to a wedding.

I wouldn’t go. He’s too little and bf to manage a whole night away.

💯

Other babies might cope well in this situation but by the sounds of it yours is very attached to you (EBF, sleeps with you, doesn’t take dummy - I’m guessing your boob is his dummy). My son was like this and I can’t imagine leaving him for someone’s wedding. He would cry for me and be traumatised. It all depends on the baby

Absolutely not. He’s too little. He won’t understand where you’ve gone or if you’ll
come back- he just knows you’re missing.

I've been in this position and I didn't go to the wedding. The family member never spoke to me again, but I've never regretted putting my baby first and would make the same decision again.

Yes, I did have children at my wedding. I invited whole families together and never thought to do otherwise.

I couldn't have done it with either of mine- both sets of grandparents are wonderful, but my children were both bottle refusers and would dehydrate themselves to death (genuinely). I'd have either had to take the 8month old with me, or declined the invite, whichever was appropriate.

I could leave DC2 for 4-6 hours at that age. But no good if the wedding is a fair drive away.

They have asked 😂

Most of the people I know who’ve said child free have done so to stop the guest list from escalating. One or two babies who can’t be left is very different to 10+ kids of various ages. When I had to ask a bride in the past it was absolutely not an issue.

It sounds to me like you’ve answered your own question 😊

I presume this is the first time left your little one overnight? It could just be wobbles.
You could go to the wedding and not drink? Maybe try a bottle a couple of times before you go, see if anything changes? (unlikely, you never know!) Then if you're needed (up to a point, not too late) you will be able to drive back. Will leave hubby stranded though!

That's a real shame, the family member was totally unreasonable, hope you're ok.. It's fine to have the wedding a person wants but it's also fine not to go.

I'm fine. That baby is pretty big now. :-) He was only three months at the time though. That's my philosophy too. Have the wedding you want but don't complain if people can't come.

@Screamingabdabz

they are not soulless.
believe it or not, a wedding is actually an adult focused day i.e the bride and groom not a child focused day

That might depend what sort of view of weddings you grow up with. I always saw them as family events. I mean, your wedding would be pretty lame without your guests going to the trouble of taking time and expense to attend. They're doing you the favour.

@Screamingabdabz It’s absolutely not about that! It’s not a child day. People don’t control dc and it can be utterly spoilt by dc. They have their parties and weddings are separate. If hosts want dc there fine, but it’s their call. All parents should make sure dc are not a nuisance but many don’t. This is what drives hosts to say no dc. DD is doing this at her wedding and every parent is coming without dc and don’t want to bring dc - they crave a grown up day and will party into the small hours!

Look at it as a good test because I dreaded leaving my daughter for a hen party with my husband because she was EBF and still woke lots in the night at that age. Well she slept like an angel...literally all night! And I checked the monitor because I didn't believe him and he was right. The magic of not having the boob close by. And she refused a bottle but would take a cup so husband just did that for the one night with expressed milk. For your in-laws as well, they're happy to do it and know it might be a rough night but I bet they also know they'll be able to catch up on that one night every night for the next 6 months until maybe you ask them again so don't worry about that. Also consider if you leave and drive back in the evening that you're in-laws will already be in the thick of it and it might be more unsettling to both kids so it's lose lose for everyone.

I wouldn't go with a baby that small, unless maybe I was leaving it with the father. Not grandparents the baby hadn't stayed with overnight before.

One thing in an emergency, but not for a wedding.

The situation depends on you and your baby entirely, not what others on here say. With my eldest I could have easily left him overnight and he wouldn’t have missed me at all. He was an easy baby and a great sleeper. My DD on the other hand was a bloody nightmare! There is no way I could have left her. It wouldn’t have been worth it. From what you’ve said it sounds like your baby is more like DD. But go with your heart and what you feel is right for you and baby. I was gutted about missing a friends wedding recently (for a different reason) but I got over it very quickly and it was no big deal.