AIBU to worry my adult son's table manners affect others' views?

[DsEatingIssue]

Adult ds had terrible table manners. He rushes his food and eats like he's at a trough. You'd think he was starving.

He's overweight and it's creeping up. He used to be fit but has let it slide.
It's not that I've suddenly noticed but his way of eating seems to have got worse.
He had a good job with chance of promotion but seems stuck. He will have eaten in the company of those senior to him. I wonder if this has coloured their view of him?
He's an intelligent wonderful man. Has a relationship and a good friendship circle.
I think i know iabu to say anything about his eating habits. I definitely wouldn't mention his weight as we all know when we're overweight. But surely he can't be aware of what it looks like when he eats?
I feel like I've failed him but I don't think he was like this as a child and teen? His siblings aren't.

Right, yeah i get that but are you just making a fuss out of a couple of bad habits you just don't like and are projecting it or is he literally a monster at the dinner table?

‘Speed you eat is a genetic thing’ ??????

never heard of that and am frankly pretty sceptical .

but even if it’s true or eating fast is a habit - it can be trained out of someone.

chewing every mouthful 10 or 20 times.

putting cutlery down in between each mouthful

deliberately loading the fork with a 1/4or 1/2 usual amount.

using smaller cutlery

never shovelling with a fork / always stabbing and pressing food to the back of it

taking a sip of water after every bite

engaging in conversation at the table

there are loads of ways you can slow yourself down if you want to.

I think you need to have a frank chat with him - probably won’t go down well but if said with love and as a suggestion rather than a criticism he may be receptive.

You’re not unreasonable to tell him he’s eating like a monster. That is your job as his parent

28

How on earth can the speed at which you eat be genetic? Do you mean it's learned behaviour?

He’s 28 years old?? Then this is literally none of your business. His eating habits are none of your business and neither is his job. Jeez.

Not when he’s a 28 year old man.

Absolutely bad manners (and poor grammar) will color people's perception of him.

The brutally honest answer to this is that in any corporate (or even non corporate tbh) workplace this will be looked poorly upon. People have little to no empathy despite what they may say for poor manners such as this from personal experience, especially given it's something you can easily fix.

To put it into perspective imagine a potential client paying £££ seeing this as a first impression

I don’t think ‘genetic bad table manners’ is a thing!

I’d mention it. Yes, you don’t stop being a parent just as your child is an adult. And if it has potential to damage him, then yes mention it.

i, like most people, abhor bad table manners and like most people I also judge it. I’d not use emotive words though and I’d not call him specially, I’d wait till next time I was with him and he was eating, and I’d say hey slow down, laughing and say but seriously people can be really funny about how folks eat, especially at work. Doesn’t matter what you do here, but I’d be cautious when at work if you rush your food.

only you know if he will take offense, and you will know how to phrase it.

She’s always his parent.

Some people think parenting ends at 16 🥱

She's always his parent, yes, but that doesn't mean she should still be parenting him as if he's a child. He's a fully grown man with a job and a parent. Being his mother doesn't mean it's OK to treat him like he's 12 and it doesn't mean she automatically knows his job better than him.

It's fucking weird to fretting like this about a bloke who isn't far off 30. It isn't 'her job as a parent' to tell him he might lose his job if eats too quickly. That's his boss's job. Or at best, his partner's. Not his bloody mother's.

No wonder there are so many women on Mumsnet complaining that their husbands are useless mummy's boys and their overbearing MILs are ruining their marriages if people think it's their 'job as a parent' to be telling their 28-year-old, working, coupled-up child how he should eat his dinner.

Telling your adult child something that will benefit them is not parenting them like a child. Adult parent and adult child can have adult conversations about behaviour. She isn’t going to scold him, or ground him, but have a gentle conversation with him.

Shocked you didn’t ensure he was eating correctly when he was younger.
You need to help him understand and what is driving him to overeat, so he can start to improve his lifestyle.

He didn't eat like that then fgs. I have impeccable table manners. Ds2 does too. I would have pulled him up.

It's happened whilst living away. He was at uni then worked and lived alone.

So how did your other child not inherit his father’s poor table manners?

No idea? Their dad isn't as bad as ds1 though. He's more a fast eater but doesn't lean in.

Me too! How badly can you eat a scone? The whole thing in one go?

Yes you must tell him. If he gets to the stage of a relationship and a child, he’ll not know table manners to instil in your grandchild. I’m surprised you’ve let it get to this stage OP.

"Wrong hands" might just mean he's left handed and didn't get forced to swap at primary school as I did. The rest of it sounds horrible, though.

She’s not treating him like he’s 12. If he was 12 she’d take his phone off him until he started eating more nicely. She’s treating him like he’s 28 by saying DS your eating is vile and unprofessional, sort it out.

I knew a lovely handsome guy in uni and everyone fancied him until they saw him eat. He chewed loudly with his mouth wide open and wondered why he never had a girlfriend!🤢

He’s not left handed. My dad and sister and ex and best friend are all left handed and know how to use cutlery the proper way in this country! You mightn’t agree but it’s just what’s done and people notice when it’s incorrect.