AIBU to worry my adult son's table manners affect others' views?

[DsEatingIssue]

Adult ds had terrible table manners. He rushes his food and eats like he's at a trough. You'd think he was starving.

He's overweight and it's creeping up. He used to be fit but has let it slide.
It's not that I've suddenly noticed but his way of eating seems to have got worse.
He had a good job with chance of promotion but seems stuck. He will have eaten in the company of those senior to him. I wonder if this has coloured their view of him?
He's an intelligent wonderful man. Has a relationship and a good friendship circle.
I think i know iabu to say anything about his eating habits. I definitely wouldn't mention his weight as we all know when we're overweight. But surely he can't be aware of what it looks like when he eats?
I feel like I've failed him but I don't think he was like this as a child and teen? His siblings aren't.

Being honest, yes- I think this is a risk.

I went out with a lovely lad in my late teens. Really liked him but his table manners were embarrassingly awful. He would wolf down his food, barely chewing. Once, at a restaurant, he had finished his main course by the time the waitress returned from the kitchen (promptly!) with our sides- it was that bad. Plus he’d then help himself to my food which was really rude and annoying.

Ultimately, I didn’t enjoy eating with him or being in the company of others with him when eating was involved, and it was one of the main reasons I ended the relationship.

I think it would be fair to gently raise it with your son. People do notice poor manners like this and it’s not pleasant to see.

Thanks for answering. I'm surprised his gf hasn't mentioned it tbh?
I just feel so awkward mentioning it but no one else will. I don't want people, mainly bosses, to think poorly of him.

I had a lodger who was like a pig when eating and honestly I stopped sitting in the kitchen because watching him or hearing him make these grunting noises which shovelling food into his mouth was utterly revolting. You will have to say something as clearly he does not notice it in himself. Definitely have a conversation about it as it colours a persons view of an individual. As they say manners cost nothing.

My friend does that, gets his meal and eats it in moments
It's mad! He's finished, often before some people have had a bite or two.

Then he complains about his digestion issues 😂

I will be really honest, from a very young age we gave our children napkins with every meal. The table was laid as you would find in a restaurant and Ds1 had a habit of bringing his head down to his fork rather than the fork to his mouth. We talked to him about this before the next meal and so he made a concerted effort to not do it and we did have to remind him. We did use a future job scenario that you could be at a dinner with potential clients and you need to look like you can eat in polite society.

My Mum went to a grammar school and they had both elocution lessons and decorum lessons, how to sit, get into and out of a car etc. These lessons were also passed on to us, especially to iron out the local dialect.

You need to talk to him about it, maybe show him some videos on how to eat, there are plenty I am sure on Youtube. Explain that you are doing it out of love for him.

You should time the eating of your meal to others pace neither too long nor too short.
DH does this when he eats he doesn't consider his company at all and it's too late to change him.

• id love to send DH back to his incredibly snooty mum for training on this !

We don't force our DC to sit at a laid table for every meal at all , but ive made sure they can sit at a table and consider others when eating ,never take the last item always offer to others , time your eating to others and so on.

Yes, have a chat with him.
My DH ate with his mouth open at times. I’d no problem pulling him up until he mastered chewing with a closed mouth.

Yep, I would judge someone who has bad table manners. I would wonder what their upbringing is like.

I have a close friend who eats like your son. He had a very chaotic upbringing and it is understandable that his table manners are bad because he was never taught them. When my friend is eating, I try not to look at him and focus on anything else because it is off-putting!

You are still his parent so I would mention it. He probably doesn't care about it though and won't change.

His GF might be grateful if you pull him up on this Op, she knows if she says something it will cause a row. I'd ask him where his previously decent table manners have gone

Yes, rightly or wrongly I do judge people with poor table manners. I judge poor manners in general, actually. It’s something that would definitely put me off a romantic partner, and it’s not something I can help.

He may not even realise he's doing it. I am always reminding my kids not to bolt their food as it became a habit from school as they have so little time and want to get in and out quickly. For a while at family meals we used a bite timer app called Slow Eats which they hated, but finally helped them see visually that they were eating far too fast, taking bites that were too big, and not chewing enough before swallowing. Old habits die hard though...!

Both his bad manners and his weight will count against him in a professional setting.

I’d mention it. Every time. Bad table manners are utterly repugnant and would and should affect how he is perceived.

He definitely will be judged if he is eating with people who are deciding on promotions etc. Kindly telling him how it comes across is a situation of being cruel to be kind. It's not an easy thing to do, but as a parent I think you have to give it a go.

I must admit, there’s a couple we go out to dinner with from time to time and one of them eats unpleasantly. We talk about him afterwards - it’s difficult to look up when we’re eating!

The speed you eat is genetic and difficult to change. But table manners can be changed!

Watching with interest as my DS has developed some really bad table/eating manners. We've all been through some really traumatic years but his food/eating has been badly affected. Even if I suggest gently to slow down, not make loud noises, not eat with his hands etc he takes it as an extreme criticism!

Thanks everyone.

His df eats fast but he doesn't go right down to his plate. We aren't together now but eat out together as we're still friends. So the genetic factor could be a thing @342524u ?

I don't know whether to ring him as won't see him for a few weeks or wait until f2f?

I mean it is criticism and neither of you should shy away from it.

Especially If he is eating with his hands and makimg noises.

Definitely raise it with him. My DS is 4 and I am working so so hard on good table manners, eating with mouth closed, using a knife and fork properly.

My DH, though I love him, does not have great table manners and neither does my FIL. I often remind DH to eat more quietly. I think some people don't mind/hear the sound of chewing so it's not a big deal to them? I absolutely hate it. I once worked in a culture where making a lot of noise as you were eating was the norm, and seen as a way of showing appreciation for your food. I found it unbearable.

I would 100% raise this with my adult DS and find out what's gone on to turn him from the way you raised him into someone unpleasant to eat around. No need to bring his weight into it.

From an employment point of view, I'd reject someone who ate like that for any position where he was likely to be eating with customers. Basic good manners are important

For a job with no customer contact, not a problem.

Say something. Better coming from you than someone else.

I'd say (not when you are eating) something like:

DS - I have noticed recently that you are rushing your food a bit. No one cares if you race through your food at home in front of the TV, but I thought you might not be aware that in public, it might be the sort of thing that other people judge. And daft as it sounds, it might be the kind of thing that senior partners notice if they are looking to promote people in client facing roles or important business meetings. Social etiquette starts to matter a lot as you get higher up.

I'd use words like race and rush not scoff or chow - words that suggest hurry not greed.

I think don’t agonise over what you are going to say, try to use humour and raise it during a meal rather than out of the blue.

I’ve ended dates over people’s horrible table manners, it really is a massive ick for me and a few other people I know. I absolutely would not promote someone with bad table manners if I’m honest.

My dad has awful table manners and it is embarrassing, obviously he’s my dad and I love him but it does make him look bad. With him I know it’s because no one taught him as a child and he had a lot of food insecurity. I know it’s not necessarily right but I do kind of assume someone with bad table manners had/has encountered some kind of food insecurity or a similar situation - I’m sure this isn’t the case for your son but that’s just what I tend to assume.

I think you should say something to him. Maybe do it as a bit of a joke like “I hope you don’t eat like that on dates! No wonder you’re single son!” Or something like that? Idk you know him best so I’m sure you can decided the best course of action. :)