AIBU to worry my adult son's table manners affect others' views?

[DsEatingIssue]

Adult ds had terrible table manners. He rushes his food and eats like he's at a trough. You'd think he was starving.

He's overweight and it's creeping up. He used to be fit but has let it slide.
It's not that I've suddenly noticed but his way of eating seems to have got worse.
He had a good job with chance of promotion but seems stuck. He will have eaten in the company of those senior to him. I wonder if this has coloured their view of him?
He's an intelligent wonderful man. Has a relationship and a good friendship circle.
I think i know iabu to say anything about his eating habits. I definitely wouldn't mention his weight as we all know when we're overweight. But surely he can't be aware of what it looks like when he eats?
I feel like I've failed him but I don't think he was like this as a child and teen? His siblings aren't.

Definitely no food insecurity. I think whoever said it's genetic has it. His df has got worse with age but not as bad as ds. He's more like ddad in looks. Ds who's more like me eats as I do.
I'll mention it when I see him next. I'll be gentle but stress the importance at work.

A friend of mine is an etiquette coach and does a lot of business coaching for big firms. One of the course she does is business/formal dining. Would you consider suggesting investing in something like this.

I had a meeting with a client recently. The client had a new member of staff at the meeting, we had coffee and scones and the way this new member of staff ate was shocking. Yes, both I and the client judged. The client has since told me that they will not be asking them to attend meetings.

Yes that's a good idea but I know he wouldn't go for it sadly.

Oh also I used to scran my food way too fast and one thing that helped me is doing a set amount of chews per bite. This also helped me lose weight because once I started eating slower I actually felt full and was comfortably full. Might not work for him but worth a go.

His gf mightn’t have said it because it might not be something she sees- people who see this kind of thing are people who judge people on anything and everything imo!!

My mums always making jokes to ds to slow down because she says her curse is that people didn’t slow her down and she was always finished way before everyone else and she hated it. I’d say mention it to him but it doesn’t have to be the huge thing you seem to think it is and may not be responsible for his weight gain, people gain weight for a huge variety of reasons

He might not do it at work

Agree with you OP.

Bad table manners are always noticed and usually (and rightly really) judged. You’re right when you highlight the greediness of it as unappealing, but also bad table manners are something that everyone else is forced to see and cope with. And, honestly, watching someone eat badly often ruins your own desire to eat. Mouths open, loud chewing noises, picking things up from a shared plate and then putting them back(!!!), reaching over the table and over people, pulling bits of half chewed food out of your mouth, putting bones and such on the table rather than on your plate, and many other things: it’s all horrid.

And absolutely people judge others for them.

I was taught that manners aren’t about being an indicator of coming from a certain class or being well educated or any of that (which all are of course true even if not admitted), but it’s about being kind. Manners aren’t a set of arbitrary rules made up just to set us apart, they are there as a guide to being aware of other people. Eating well is about not putting others off their food (or taking too much or whatever), holding doors for others, asking how people are, all acts of kindness that take no effort but can have a great impact on those around you.

It’s like not stopping randomly in the street or at the bottom of the stairs in a tube station, it’s about awareness of others. Of respecting the needs and feelings of strangers (and friends) and of being an aware and caring member of society. Vital in an ever increasingly selfish world.

I’ve had my entire mood changed sometimes during the day by good manners and bad. A smile or a kind gesture can make you feel better about your day.

But why do you think your son is like this? What happened? The over eating might suggest he’s not happy. And of course depression leads to a lack of self care and the slipping of manners too might indicate as much.

@purplecorkheart I'm curious to know how the scones were eaten?

Anyway - when DH started work with a big multinational company in his early 20s - 30 years ago now - all the new starters were given lessons in how to eat at a corporate do/lunch/drinking with clients/how to order wine and what to wear etc etc.

It's stood him in good stead.

It might have harmed his chances.

A family member of mine has such bad table manners that I avoid eating meals with him. It’s disgusting and shows a total lack of consideration for those around him

My adult DS eats really quickly, shoving massive forkfuls in his mouth. He's a highly qualified professional and we certainly didn't allow him to eat like that when he was younger. I will say the battle began when he went to an all boys grammar school and we had serious talks about it at the time. They don't seem to have made a difference though. I despair and often wonder what his colleagues think.

I would judge him. Would you want him, for example, entertaining clients?
I’m also wondering how you ‘trained’ him when he was an actual child. Has he forgotten his manners or did he never have them? Yes talk to him. Bad table manners are very off-putting.

You are not being unreasonable. I'd talk to him about it.

I think you should raise it with him but he might not take it on board. I've told my DH that he's a very noisy eater and he simply says he isn't, so that's that.

He is though – sometimes I have to leave the room because the chomping makes me want to rip my ears clean off my head. He also takes bites that are so big, he's actually out of breath by the time he finishes chewing 😒

You say he us an adult, but how old, roughly, are we talking?

I’d say it’s a risk regarding progress at work. I had a formal Christmas work lunch last year and one of the men had his knife and fork in the wrong hands and was hunched over the plate shovelling like a Neanderthal. I saw the big boss looking.

I wonder why it's nearly always men that have this unpleasant behaviour ?

So many people today have bad table manners. Especially influencers reviewing food, they can’t use cutlery and chew with their mouths open. It really puts me off.

I had a friend with terrible table manners, would lean down to shovel in food and then chew with his mouth open and smack his chops. I told him repeatedly it was gross and it would be off putting to partners/employers etc, always ignored or made excuses. He was keen to get a date with a particular girl in uni and decided that instead of going out to eat, where his manners could be called in to question, it would be less obvious to her if they got a takeaway at home instead. He proceeded to inhale two portions of chow mein leant over the table in front of her, one after the other, with a fork directly from the tupperware. When she got up and walked out mid-way through the second, he finally got the message 😆 fortunately it was a proper wake up call, has changed his habits and been fine ever since. So they can change!

Unless your son is literally eating with his hands and burping or chewing with his mouth open at the table then yes you ABVU.

I cant help but think this is a Hyacinth Bucket moment.

Most people seem to eat like this now, and a lot of people are more aware of learning differences etc, so are less likely to judge. Plus we're more aware of cultural differences, and the people who would once have tutted about someone using a form the American way might not use chopsticks very well.

My son was a bit like this but every time he ate like a wolf I did say lightheartedly god slow down he did take it on board and is much better now. You definitely have to say something but in a way that doesn't get him defensive.

ODFO

It's because of his job I'm concerned. But you probably know that.

I have a male friend who eats with his elbows out flying about like he's not been fed for a week - I find myself feeling a bit judgy - gate bad table manners

Table manners can be an indicator of general suitability for a job. When my son was job hunting a friend had a final stage 'interview' with top accounting firm, which included being taken out to dinner. The 'golden rule' was not to order spaghetti bolognese! His friend passed selection, but he was an absolute charmer anyway (and very good with both people and figures).

Could you phrase it as - gosh you are really hungry? And some fillers eg salad and bread?

mentioning weight is not something to be told easily - what about more asking about his fitness (when the heat is over!)