AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

[Lilifer]

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

• I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
• I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
• He has a partner.
• I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
• We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

@Aluna So to summarise your position: first the ring could be controlling, then you weren’t saying I was controlling but my motivations were suspect, and now you’ve no idea what my motivations are. We’ve travelled quite a distance to arrive at ‘I don’t know.’ I could have told you that at the start 😂

My position: either read my posts more carefully or not bother. At no point in any post did I ever say you were trying to control your DH. Full stop.

I don’t you’re think being honest with yourself about your motivation but I’ve no idea what they are.

So we haven’t travelled anywhere.

The bottom line is no-one gives a toot if you wear it or not, it’s not clear why you’re even here wittering about it.

You sound like you haven’t moved on. Why compile a photo box for him and wear your engagement ring? It’s quite weird. Sell the ring and buy yourself an expensive piece of jewellery or keep it for a daughter or daughter in law.

Your ex sounds annoyed that you keep tying yourself to him - I‘m not saying that’s nice or fair but he wants you to just go away.

Create some distance and stop being his ex wife. You’re a person in your own right and by the sounds of it well shot of this self-important twat.

@Aluna”No one gives a toot” and yet here you are, multiple posts in, still going. Funny that. 😂

i wouldn’t confuse online diversion with real life…

@RumPidgeon well I had a few weeks off work and was sorting through family photos from over the years for myself anyway so put any duplicates pics of kids, his relatives and his travels around the world before we married as I knew he would want those and I was hardly going to throw them in the bin. So I put all them in a box and sent them round with my DS when he was going to see his dad, an acknowledgment would have been nice, I usually thank people if they do something for me, but it’s not like I’m losing sleep over it.

I don’t expect you to have read the full thread but I’ve explained a few times why I still wear it, bottom line I like it, it’s valuable, it costs a lot to insure, but mainly I like it and at this point in my life I’ll wear what I want and don’t need permission from my exH or anyone else really

I’m with you on the funeral thing. I might look like you’re trying to own the day, even if you weren’t. To show you weren’t, I’d probably take that part down. As for the ring, unless he’s tried to get it back, wear it however you like

If he wants you to put it in a deposit box in his shop im thinking he wants it back for new lady

Some would say why is she still obsessed with him - wearing the engagement ring still and writing about his fathers funeral.. bit wierd to be honest.

He wants to put the engagement ring in a safety deposit box in his shop? He wants the ring, you will never see it again if you agreed. Personally I would wear it on the opposite hand or sell it and buy yourself something amazing. Also tell him to bog off, he's nothing to do with you now he's just your children's father.

For me it’s the photos… I don’t know any ex-wife who would do all this for their ex. At best they’d send old photos round in a bin bag (and at worst…snip snip…). But they certainly wouldn’t be spending time curating photos of his travels!

It really does come across as if you would step right back in in a heartbeat.

Sorry OP but I think you’re overstepping, particularly about writing about his father so publicly after his death. He wasn’t your father despite your close relationship and I’d be incensed if my ex chose to do that. As for the ring, why would you wear it? Sell it. Make it into something else. Anything rather than wear it. I just don’t get your reasoning. I loved my engagement ring but I’d never wear it again. It’s almost as though you’re clinging on to the marriage.
That being said, he probably didn’t approach it very well. But then, when do exes ever approach things the right way?

The absolute audacity of this man 🤯

He is your ex. Reading this it is very clear why. He does not get to tell you what to do with your life nor control anything about your life. You have a 20 year old son, you were together for a very long time. You grew together and your lives were intertwined, you can’t just simply break all of them connections when you still live in the same place. You built connections with his family and likely some of his friends too. It would be unreasonable to expect you just to cut everything off. It is your life too. Or is he expecting you not to socialise and ignore these people you are likely to bump into and live like some sort of hermit?

He is overstepping and needs firm boundaries. Tell him to fuck off and get back in his box.

Also… he doesn’t live there anymore. He doesn’t get to come in your house as and when he feels like it. Tell him to schedule a meeting next time. He can also wait outside.

Time to get the front door locks changed

Where did I say I curated them? I came across them when sorting old photos and put them in a box, along with any duplicates I found of kids photos. You’re reading a bit much into that. And thanks for giving me a laugh after a long day reading that you think I would step back into the marriage, I pulled the plug on an 18 year old marriage for good reasons, none of which have changed,

I’m sorry but wearing your engagement ring still especially on your wedding ring finger is odd. That said I don’t think it’s his place to call you out on it, regardless how odd I find it.

As for attending your ex father in laws funeral he was a big part of your life for so long as you were a big part of his. Your ex does not get to say where you should have sat.

As for him asking how you are, that would have been polite but you are not his concern whether that’s what rings you wear and on what finger or how you are after your recent health scare. He hasn’t said thank you for the photos because he is selfish and clearly isn’t a nice person who thinks of anyone but himself. I would be setting clear boundaries he isn’t welcome to step over your front door unless you welcome him over the door step regardless who he is there to see. I was very amicable with my ex through the divorce some would say far too much. It was always thrown in my face by him and his girlfriend (who he was seeing for a year while we were married before I found out) ex tried to dictate to me and didn’t like when I instilled boundaries always pushed them but expected me to ‘respect his’ although I never crossed any. 6 years down the line I am still amicable but boundaries are firmly in place. Yet he thinks we are friends because he is ready to be amiable and didn’t back down 🤷🏻‍♀️.

but honestly girl the ring needs to come off xx

It’s interesting the way some posters think that it just couldn’t be possible to want to wear a ring simple because you like it and that it must be somehow a sign that you’re still emotionally invested in a man. As if I can’t have my own will or desire, it has to be influenced by a man. I like my ring, I’ll wear it as long as I want to and shock horror I don’t care what people think of that least of all ExH

Absolutely bizarre to be wearing an engagement ring from a man you're divorcing

Thanks @BeWittyRobin- that resonates with me. As for the ring, I’ll keep wearing it as long as I like it, I might get it resized to fit the other hand, I don’t care what hand I wear it on as long as it’s comfortable, but I certainly don’t feel compelled to do so.

Bless. Someone has led a very sheltered life if this is what passes for bizarre 😏

I did the same thing, @Lilifer , (left after 18 years of marriage), and it surprised me how many assumed I had been left, instead of being the one who left.

There was no Other Man, I just didn't want to be with him any more.

Fwiw, I don't think you did anything wrong in referencing your FiL's funeral.

For me personally, I took off my wedding and engagement rings when we separated, because for me they were deeply symbolic of a relationship I was no longer in.
(Reading your thread has made me wonder where they are!).
I bought myself a divorce ring, for my middle finger, as I missed wearing a ring on that hand.

I also changed my name as soon as the divorce was finalised.
I felt I was a new person, so changed my whole name.

But those are very personal decisions, and they were right for ME.

For you your engagement ring is just a ring you like, and want to keep wearing.
But it's worth acknowledging that for many people that is unusual, because of what the ring symbolised.

But he is no longer in a position to dictate what you can or cannot wear, write, or sit.

You do you. 💪

Sell the ring or put it somewhere safe. You could even get something else made from it to wear. Wearing it is strange.

I had a family member do similar and she was the subject of conversations about why she was still wearing it.

Writing js fine but he was your ex-fil mabye you could have said so.

x

Sounds like the new partner wants that ring for herself!

As has already been said, clearer boundaries where hes not allowed into your home and have some set phrases in your head to shut him down if he starts anything.
'Your opinion was unasked for and is unwanted. This is not up for discussion. Well I have to be getting on' and walk away/close the door on him.

Your kids are grown ups and can look after their own relationships with him. You need to be civil as youll encounter him at times but you dont need to entertain his bullshit anymore. He doesnt get a say anymore!

You've done nothing wrong whatsoever and I truly doubt anyone has said anything to him. Of your ex's complaints, this is the only one I'd listen to. Making copies was like a reminder of what you share that maybe he misinterpreted. The rest of it, I'd follow the good advice of a PP who said to stonewall his opinions. Your jewellery, your relationship with your ex-FIL. Not for him to dictate. And whatever happens, don't give up writing - that sounds excellent.