Aibu to not want shared custody?

[Custodyadvice]

My children have just turned 5 and 3. Husband has moved in with his parents 5 mins away. Eldest is at school. Youngest goes to daycare 4 days and home with me on Friday. I wfh 2 days, 2 days in office and husband prefers to be in the office every day. I want the children to see him regularly but it looks as if the recommendation is every other weekend and one overnight midweek.

I worry this feels like too long for them to be away from him but equally I need them to know they have a secure home base on weekdays. I was considering he do pick up and dinner/bedtime with them on the 2 days I'm in the office and overnight on Friday/Saturday on alternate weekends so they always wake at home on a school day.

I think your suggestion sounds reasonable given their ages. How amicable are things with your husband? Can you try your suggestion for a couple of months then make adjustments as needed, or would you be better to have a plan locked in?

He very much hopes its a temporary thing and he can move home after a few nights away but I don't want to do that. I feel too let down of going through the same cycle.

“the recommendation” from who?
Your title doesn’t quite match your post but if you want them to have more time with him and that’s what he wants then why not do that?

You might not want shared custody yourself but what is best for the children? They adapt quickly. Sounds like you are the one wanting to split, be realistic that he may want 50/50 eventually at least

I don't want to split at all. But he has a drinking problem and this is where we're at. I don't know what's best for the children. I want them to grow up with both parents in their home but until he accepts he needs help and gets it, I feel like I have to be the bad guy. He now says he can't have them overnight at all at his parents so its moot. He can see them as often as he likes but it'll be after school or at the weekend.

Their father has a drinking issue that is not the childrens fault, you chose to have a children with this man and the legal process is you need to sort this out properley through the legal channels which would protect the chilsren more, a mother does not own the children it doesnt work that way

The legal process is they require you to try and agree between yourselves in mediation and to undergo counselling. Both I'm happy to do. He didn't have a drinking problem when we decided to have children. I've tried to make it work for 3 years. Things went downhill drastically about 3 months after our youngest was born. I'm all for taking responsibility but no I didn't choose this. I'm also doing my best to put the children first. I just don't know what that is.

Then speak to a solicitor

Your idea seems reasonable to me but of course that doesn't mean that he has to agree - there may be a bit of back and forth between you but hopefully you can reach a compromise. Have you suggested this pattern to him?

Short visits are probably in the children’s best interests as he’s more likely to be able to stay sober for a short visit.

Even if he commuted to recovery, living with him would probably be very difficult because of the high probability of relapse and increase in arguments with you as you’ll be the easy target for why he feels crap detoxing.

Is his mum likely to say something about his drinking or is she more likely to turn a blind eye and he increases his drinking because he can?

I dont think he'll drink there. He's open to the suggestion but obviously would prefer to just keep things as they are. I believe he can quit and I love him. I have spoken to a solicitor. She suggested the alternate weekend and one midweek visit but I wanted advice from people who have been through this. She also made it clear if we don't agree then the legal process could be incredible protracted and expensive.

sounds hard @Custodyadvice especially if you still care for him.

One solution, and it's not for everyone (but at least one of my friends has done this until their kids were teens) is keep the kids in the house and the parents move in and out.

They had a small flat they stayed in when they weren't in the family home.

the one weekend alternate and wed nights with dad is so hard on the kids i think. They're constantly living out of bags. GOod luck x

My daughter always found going to her dads in ‘chunks’ of time was better and easier for her, so she does 5 nights there then 9 at home.
however, my SILs child struggles with being away too long, so they go one night in the week, one night at the weekend, which works well for them, so maybe that’s an option if you’re concerned the children wouldn’t cope well with going for more than one night in a row?
Hope you’re doing okay, sounds like your in a difficult situation ❤️

The mother is usually the primary carer and even in a 'happy' relationship, a lot of men are happy with her doing the most work re the children so if they belong to anyone, it is the mother.

Is he capable of, or safe to, provide care for the dc with his drinking problem?

Generally, I think kids need a bit more than EOW and one night a week to develop and keep a great relationship with a parent. But, if he has a drinking problem I think it is wisest to minimize the overnights with him and ensure they have a secure base they can trust. They can be let down by him just as much as you can.

You can't guarantee that he won't drink at his parents, so unless one of his parents will take charge of the children, it's going to be just pick up a few evenings a week, so you can monitor things. On the one hand you can't state his drinking as a reason to split, but then say he's competent, for very young children/toddler, to be under his care. Likewise you can't force his parents to have your children in their home, overnight. I don't know what your solicitor is thinking. One incident and you'll be seen as unable to safeguard them. Two evenings a week and a weekend day, would be the usual starting point.

OP, I left with my ds2. Ex was drinking 90 units a week and was often so drunk I couldn't get him out of the car. I didn't want ds growing up thinking that was normal.
Ex initially demanded 50:50, then quickly changed that to one weekend in three when he couldn't cope with nappies and night wakings, and finally settled on 6hrs on a Sunday.

It completely depends on whether he gives up the drink or not, and how vengeful he is feeling. You can't force your ex to do any parenting at all if he chooses not to. Go for EOW plus one evening officially, and offer him more informally. See how it goes. If he's drinking he won't be fit to care for them.

You also need to consider if he will be driving your dcs while under the influence. Will his parents check he is fit to drive? Can you be sure he will be sober?

This stuff isn't easy. I'm sorry.

In normal circumstances, shared custody or moving towards shared custody makes sense.

if he has a drinking problem, I would avoid overnights if at all possible and keep visits short. Definitely get a solicitor and try to get a formal agreement in place.

Thanks everyone who has contributed. I agree this is not his parents problem and I would never ask them to have the kids overnight in their home if they don't want that. I would consider us both staying elsewhere so the kids are always at home but he needs to prove I can trust him with them alone.

My hope is that he takes this really seriously and uses the space to face the drinking head on. I believe he's depressed and the drinking is a symptom of that not the cause. I'm not looking for a break from my kids and am happy to have them full time but I really want to make sure they maintain a good relationship with him. They love him and he loves them. I'm not trying to alienate him. Hes a fantastic capable dad. When he's sober.

Does it have to be full days? I mean could he pick them up from school / day care, take them for tea and drop them off with you later?

Or a trip to soft play / cinema / park / whatever for a couple of hours?

Neither of you are unreasonable to want what you do, and how appropriate either are does depend partly on how much he has done in the past, however , I note that you would like him to do the dinner/bedtime on the days that you work, which sounds like you are trying to arrange the access to suit you by saving childcare/allowing you to work better rather than what suits the kids.

How is it going to work with dinner/bedtime - I presume that he will have to come to your house to do it if you want them to wake up at yours every school day. That's rarely a good idea, if you are splitting up it's likely to muddy the waters and make it confusing for the kids, and potentially may lead to twice weekly debates about why he can't come home.

Unless there is going to be a massive drip feed, if he is at his parents, there is an additional protective factor for the kids and they are only 5 minutes away.

Im happy for him to do tea at his parents instead. I dont mind what days he does but I want them to be consistent. I'm doing all pick up and drop offs at the moment but it makes sense for me to have him do pick up when I'm working to avoid us overlapping.

Hi op, I am in a similar situation to you but a few years later where I didn’t seperate and things are much more complicated. My husband did hit rock bottom with the drinking (breakdown whilst on holiday in full few of friends - I wasn’t aware he had been hiding his alcohol use) so we stayed together while he sought help as kids were 5 and newborn. Was optimistic things would get better and they did for a while.

5 years later and I am dealing with fallout of his liver dysfunction and mental health crisis (the underlying reason for the drinking). My kids have seen too much and I am now getting my ducks in a row to leave.

my point is I wish I had separated earlier but had hoped he would pull himself together. I am now planning my life as if I will effectively be a single parent. I am requesting he does not have them overnight as I don’t think he is fit enough but trying to work out how he can still be in their lives as when he is well, he is a great dad but it is reliable and consistent enough.

its going to be heartbreaking for my kids but need him to have a shock to start taking it seriously. Also need to protect my kids.

you will be more than enough for them. Keep calm, stable and consistent. Don’t be drawn in as he swings from one crisis to another xx