AIBU for wanting to be there when my daughter gets her ears pierced?

[Anonymous014]

Yesterday husband mentioned his mum was taking DD to get her ears pierced today! I told him that’s my job as her mother to do that and he got annoyed with me and said, “I shouldn’t have told you, I knew you would make a fuss”. I told him she’s my only daughter and his mum has her own 2 daughters and this is a special thing that I would like to be present for. He takes the kids to his mums every Sunday for the entire day and I don’t go as MIL doesn’t like me so I go when I absolutely have to and I do be very nice to her.

I just phoned up my own mum to make sure I wasn’t overreacting to DH and my mums response is “well she’s her grandma why don’t you just let her do it”.

AIBU for wanting to take my only daughter to get her ears pierced? MIL had her time and she had no MIL to annoy her like I have.

i might be overreacting if you don’t understand d the history - MIL walked in the delivery room when DD was minutes old and took her from me. She would never allow me to hold my baby and would cling to her, for the first year of her life. She only “allowed” me to hold her when I was breastfeeding her and then she would stare till I gave her back, I’m not kidding and not overreacting. I felt guilty holding my own baby! . She caused so much anxiety and I feel I never bonded with DD. I went through a dark depression of thinking she’s not my baby. She was born via IVF and MIL would always say she was nothing like me and 100% my DH. I had depression and thought for months the clinic mixed up my egg as my daughter is nothing like me. I wasn’t going to include this because it’s identifying absence before in here about it but I just need to let it all out. I feel anger so much anger. When my boys were born I was older and basically told MIL to fuck off in a nice way and made it clear I’m the mother not the incubator for her grandkids.

I would go absolutely mental if my mil had taken my dd for ears pierced ahead of the time we agreed. For me, it was a special thing.

but op, don’t bury your head in the sand about the actual root of this, which is your husband siding with his mum over you. That is appalling

Why is your DD spending all day every Sunday with your MIL. Sure go visit her for a couple of hours but you essentially only have one day at the weekend with her?

Bizarre behaviour by your husband.

I wouldn’t even let my husband take my daughter herself because I wanted to check the placement etc of them before they were done.

Who does your DD want to take her for them pierced?

Why is your DD spending all day every Sunday with your MIL

Yes, this.

Why is it bizarre to visit family for the day?

YANBU - it is a big deal and you should definitely be the one taking her to have them done!

I would have thought only someone with parental responsibility( which grandparents of children who live with their parents would not have) would be able to authorise the piercing of a child's ears.

As a grandparent I could not imagine or dream of taking my granddaughter to have her ears pierced. My granddaughter was 11 and of course her mother took her.

It's your decision as her parent if you want to take her for her ears to be pierced. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with your MIL. Your husband needs to stop placating his mother and listen to his wife. Tell them no, it wont be happening and if she makes a fuss just ignore the manipulative woman.

Don't be surprised if she does it before you get a chance!

Not unreasonable at all. I’d want to be there to check I was happy with the positioning of the piercings.

I’m pretty sure a patent has to give permission for under 16s to have their ears pierced so they may not do it anyway. At least I doubt the rules have got less strict since I got mine done at 15 after telling them I was 16 because my mum didn’t approve, I hope they check better these days.

It's not reasonable that her ears would be pierced without your knowledge or blessing but I don't see how it's as a big occasion.

I disagree about the ear piercing in itself being a special thing (mine had her's done with her dad and I was fine with that!)

However, in general it does sound like you are not fully respected by DH and his mum, I agree. That's probably why you feel so strongly, as this is yet another example.....

Of course you should be. It’s something you want to do with your daughter. Your DH sounds awful too.

Also I’d have a huge issue loosing every single Sunday for an entire day of my daughter’s childhood because my MIL didn’t like me. I’d be ending that!

She’s your daughter. Kick up a big fuss and take your daughter out next Sunday (to pierce her ears?).

I was going to say,that I thought you were being unreasonable because getting your ears pierced is no big deal. However, this is clearly about more than your daughter’s ears getting pierced.

Sorry to be blunt, but your husband is a Cunt and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

FWIW I would be making Sundays my special daughter and mummy day and cutting down MIL contact with my daughter.

Piercing ears is a special moment and can be seen as a rite of passage. If it’s important for you they need to respect your feelings, she’s your daughter not your MIL’s. They’re not going shopping for hair clips, this is a special moment.

DH should be on your side, not his mummy’s. He’s a grown adult and should act like one

Did they do the piercing?
if not, take her yourself tomorrow after school

My kids are only little but I'm pretty sure once they're ear piercing age that one of us would never take them without the other being in agreement.

It was upsetting to read how she took your daughter off you as a baby and it affected your bond.

Well done on breaking the cycle with your later children!

I agree with your mum it's not a big deal, but what worries me is all the other stuff you say! You and DH need to get on the same page-she needs to treat you with respect and see you all as a family, not you having to miss family Sundays-you should all be together, not you excluded!

I didn’t read the backstory but tbh even if she was a great grandma/MIL I absolutely think ear piercing is a mother-daughter thing and there’s no way my daughter will be getting hers done without me! Your husband is wrong.