AIBU to feel hurt about unequal support from my mum?

[Ineedcoffee28]

Good evening everyone,

The title was suggested by mumsnet so hope it is apt..
Im not trying to sound petty or anything here but i was wondering if me feeling hurt about this is valid...or am i just being really delicate??

Im a lone parent, have been for 16 years. Never had a mothers day card or gift. Never had a birthday card from my kids either. Its okay.

My brother in law, recently widowed (my sister). Someone I have never got on with, who never bothered with my family is now spending more time with my parents and i wont lie it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I found out my mum has got his kids (my nephews) a fathers day gift and card for him. She has never helped my kids do anything like that for me and im her daughter. She also paid for his new bathroom but has never done anything like that for me.

AIBU that this really hurts me?

He and the children are the link to the daughter they lost. It's not surprising that they will be going above and beyond to keep them close.

Nothing to be sorry for, it was ckear you meant your brother in law.

Yes OP, I can understand your upset.
They could be humouring him to stay close to their grandchildren, but it is not hard to understand your hurt.
Mind yourself.

I agree there’s definitely the feeling men can’t survive and women are expected to just get on with it.
I was widowed when my kids were 4 and 6. My father had already passed away and my mother was early 80s so not really able to help much and while a couple people brought a prepared dinner for us that was it - and I mean literally a couple. My cousin supported me for the first week or two, helping with arrangements. Then I just ‘got on with it’ (which meant having to sell the family home as I couldn’t afford the mortgage or upkeep so quite a bit of stress, plus work etc).
Then a man I know lost his wife. He had a toddler and a kid around ten or so. His parents immediately stepped in and took the toddler to live with them. This was supposed to be temporary but it became permanent because he said he ‘couldn’t cope’. And people just accepted it! His mother was a bit put out because, surprise surprise, she did most of the childcare and had to eventually give up her job. Everyone would go on about how affected he must be, how he was doing such a great job having the older one, how of course it was ok for his own child to live indefinitely with his parents. Double standards for sure.
While I’m sure you don’t begrudge your parents helping out your BIL and kids, it is galling that they never did the same for you.

I’m sorry but I think it’s pretty shit that your parents have never helped your children to at least make a homemade card for you or buy you a box of chocolates.
I can see why they’re helping the BIL now but they’ve been shit to neglect you in that case.

My guess is that there is more to this. That your parents have done more than this to result in you feeling that way.

Put the card issue aside - tell your children directly. Ask them if it would hurt if you forgot their birthday. Keep your parents out of that and directly encourage them to show appreciation for you.

Listen to your feelings of unease because there's more to this. You are not selfish or any other silly things people on here say you are over this. You are picking up on your feelings about something generally off.

If your kids are 16 they should get you a card.