To not be compliant?

[ShesGotAway]

Due to the breakdown of the relationship with my son's father I ended up very much reliant on my parents (mainly my Mum for support). They were a brilliant safety net at the time, they invited DS and I to live with them as well as helping with ad-hoc childcare for a couple of years around my work.

In the past few years I have dug myself out of a hole of debt (shared debt with ex partner who never contributed a penny to paying it off). Met a lovely new partner and have recently moved area, bought a house and our life is pretty good. We're not particularly well off but we're not paycheck to paycheck either.

We don't need help, and this could not have upset the applecart in my family more.

We do not ask my Mum for help as any help from her comes with a conditions.

If she has offered any kind of support that has been accepted, you will then be beholden to agree with her on any given issue.

She thinks the sky is purple? If you dare say it's blue you're an ungrateful wretch because she did X for you on X date.

Hence, my mum doesn't get asked for help.

And the thing is, she utterly hates that. It's possible (likely) that I'm biased but she has absolutely no power over my life or it's outcomes anymore, she doesn't provide support and isn't asked for it so when I am making a decision she doesn't like there's nothing she can threaten or bully me with to get her way.

My sibling, who needs a lot of support financially and with childcare does have to march to the beat of our mother's drum or risk having it all removed for having an opinion.

Please let it be noted that these decisions I make have zero impact on her. A example being that she didn't like the way I arranged a display at my business, I wouldn't let her change it (because it was doing exactly what it needed to do!). Which in turn lead to a big argument over WhatsApp as she was already mad at me for dying my hair a colour she wasn't fond of and then not running off to change it when she said so.

This feels all so ridiculous to type out but it's unfortunately, true!

She has now asked for a sum of money back she gave me (unprompted- I didn't want or need it- and haven't spent it knowing this is what she's do. I couldn't have sent it back in the first instance as this would have caused another argument!). The money has been returned to her, and I've been told she needs space from me and been blocked by her on messaging apps.

Am I being unreasonable to keep on being a horrible daughter and living my own life against her wishes?

Or should buck up my ideas?

(Not a proper AIBU I guess but needed a rant because she's absolutely bloody mental)

I can relate OP, and I don’t think you having stayed with your mum during your difficult time negates your feelings.

People who think her inviting you to live with her proves that she’s a generous and kind person don’t understand the point you’re making and are perhaps quite naive (or lucky enough not to have met someone like this!). Yes, it looks very kind and generous to outsiders, but it makes you indebted to her and she can then exert pressure on you to do what she wants. Like you say, when you aren’t reliant on her she’s upset that she can’t control you. So of course she is willing to take you in when you’re in need, as it means you’re controllable again.

I was not happy about moving in with them but I was grateful to have somewhere to go. Houses to rent or buy don't fall off of trees around here and moving out of area really wasn't an option due schools. I left as soon as I could. Though it feels relevant to say this was both of my parents home, my dad was there too.

I have never asked for money from my Mum. Now or then.

I was not happy with the money she sent- it's own argument regarding how ungrateful I am would have ensued had I sent it back there an then. It was put in a 'pot' in my bank account and left there until she asked for it back (knowing that she would)

There is no lack of gratitude for my parents allowing us to stay with them whilst we got back on our feet. And I am fortunate enough to have quite quickly been able to get us out and back on our feet.

We didn't stay with them for 2 years, but for 4 months. The 2 years was with regards to childcare and this happened quite infrequently- once a month at the most.

Do you consider not allowing someone else to steamroll your decisions rude?

If someone is so awful then you don’t take favours from them. Descending on them with your children for four months and providing any level of childcare for two years is using them

I truly didn't realise how strange/ wrong the dynamic was till the past couple of years.

When you've lived something for 30 or so years you're not always going to realise that it isn't always the case!

For clarity- I have one child.
The childcare wasn't needed as he was has a full-time nursery place/ wraparound care. Ad-hoc would be her deciding he didn't need to attend nursery that day and going and collecting him at a whim.

What was your DM like when you were in that first relationship? Did she try to exert control over you then too? Because I know someone who won't allow her adult children to grow up, because she needs to feel needed all the time (because otherwise she has to face up to a life that's very empty). So she keeps her children 'needy' so she has a role in life.

And your mum reminds me of that situation.

I have a mother like this and I have gone grey rock which has helped. Would like to never see her again.

One of the things that really annoys me about her narcissistic behaviour that sounds like your mother is that you have such extra metal load around her. It takes a lot of energy and is very draining to think through everything you do or she does as it can all turn against you in a split second. The normal rules of relationships don’t apply. But she still portrays herself as a victim.

You would get relief from not feeling so obliged towards her. Look up FOG (fear obligation and guilt).

Thank you for that, I've had a Google of FOG and it's definitely given me something to think about and a bit of insight.

It's so hard to try and explain it to people who haven't lived this kind of dynamic. I have friends of myself and my partner who have witnessed her in action and it's really them who highlighted to me how not normal it all is.

I felt utterly ridiculous and lost when that realisation occurred, that this wasn't how things are for everyone.

The reason people like your mother and mine get away with their psychological abuse is because you have apologists saying things like 'but shes your mother' - in fact theres an entire channel on youtube called that and it is very interesting.

My mum would occasionally take my son but every time she had him she facetimed everyone she could with the 'ah sure hes always with me' while I was ALLOWING her time with her grandchild as I was paying full nursery fees so as she was his gran i was letting her have time with him but she twisted it and continues to twist the narrative now.

If you have not lived through a parents tirade of psychological abuse then you are lucky enough not to understand it. OP I can tell you the fact my mothers family believe her over me is actually a mercy. I have said many times the isolation at first felt horrible, I was so hurt they were all 'on her side' but now a couple of years later and I have absolutely NO stress in my life. I look better, I certainly feel better and my child is coming on to be the most secure and confident kid because she is no longer in our lives. Kids pick up on things we dont even see as adults.

Being called ungrateful, spiteful, nasty, bitter, toxic, a liar, too sensitive etc etc etc are all things that happen when the smear campaign ramps up. The only advice I will give you is NEVER explain yourself, never justify yourself because then the whole thing stops being about what she has done to you and will turn into how you reacted. Then you become known as the crazy one.

I saw this only 2 mins before popping back on to mumsnet so copied and pasted for you:
"That's just how she is."
Four words.
That's all it takes to keep a dysfunctional family running for another decade.
Because those words aren't an explanation.
They're a command.
A command for you to keep tolerating what everyone else has already decided they won't address.
If you grew up in a narcissistic family, you've heard some version of these phrases your entire life.
Not because they solved anything.
Because they protected the wrong person.
Here are 4 sentences narcissistic families use to keep the system intact.
1."That's just how she is."
You've heard it before.
"That's just how mom is."
"She doesn't mean it."
"She's always been like that."
What they're really saying is:
"We've decided she's not changing, so we need you to adjust instead."
Notice how the responsibility always lands on the person being hurt.
Nobody asks why the behavior continues.
Nobody asks why the damage keeps happening.
The conversation immediately becomes about your reaction.
Your sensitivity.
Your response.
Your boundaries.
The focus shifts from the behavior to the person who finally noticed it.
A healthier response sounds like:
"And this is how I am now."
Because her personality is not your lifelong obligation.
2."You're tearing the family apart."
This one usually appears the moment you stop pretending.
The moment you speak up.
The moment you set a boundary.
The moment you refuse to play your assigned role.
Suddenly you're the problem.
Not the years of manipulation.
Not the emotional abuse.
Not the constant dysfunction.
You.
But here's the truth:
The family wasn't healthy before you spoke.
It was silent.
There's a difference.
Silence is not peace.
Silence is often fear wearing a disguise.
And the person naming the problem is rarely the person who created it.
3."But she's your mother."
This sentence has kept countless people trapped in guilt.
As if a title automatically cancels accountability.
As if being a parent makes someone incapable of causing harm.
As if biology guarantees access.
Being someone's mother is important.
But it does not erase reality.
It does not erase emotional abuse.
It does not erase manipulation.
It does not erase the impact of years of harmful behavior.
A title can explain a relationship.
It cannot excuse it.
The hardest truth many survivors learn is this:
You can love someone and still need distance from them.
4."I'm not taking sides."
This sounds reasonable.
Mature.
Neutral.
But in dysfunctional families, it often isn't.
Because when one person is repeatedly being harmed, neutrality protects the status quo.
And the status quo usually protects the person causing the harm.
"I don't want to get involved."
"I love you both."
"There are two sides to every story."
Sometimes those statements aren't wisdom.
They're avoidance.
Because refusing to acknowledge harm doesn't make you neutral.
It simply makes the harm easier to ignore.
The uncomfortable truth is that narcissistic families survive through scripts.
Everyone learns their lines.
The scapegoat.
The golden child.
The enabler.
The peacekeeper.
The rescuer.
The truth-teller.
Healing begins when you stop reading from the script.
Because "that's just how she is" was never the whole sentence.
The full sentence was:
"That's just how she is... and we've decided you should keep paying the price for it."
And that's the part survivors eventually stop accepting.

I've just found the most recent thread, thank you

But she housed you both?

Yes, my parents allowed my son and I to stay with them for 4 months till we were able to find somewhere to rent.

I paid any expenses of us living there (energy increases ect), for our own food as well as rent equivalent to that of a 1 bed home in our area.

And I am grateful for this. It gave me time to get our lives straight after a very complicated break up (we weren't good as partners but we're happy co-parents).

I can be grateful for what my parents did for me but I am still able to feel hurt, upset and judged by mother and her actions as well as words in the time before, during and after this happened.

I haven't cut her out of my life, against the advice of others in my life because I do want to try have a relationship with my mum. I don't want that relationship to consist of her saying jump and me saying how high based on the fact that we lived with them for a short while, a few years ago.

Though I feel like I'm answering questions you haven't actually asked.

Oh for fuck’s sake give it a rest.

OP, controlling parents are awful.

She has asked for space, take it.

Start doing some work on yourself and read up on FOG, boiled frog analogy, grey rock, medium chill etc.,

Put your mother on a complete information diet and keep your distance.

You were right to move away.
She has no right to want to control you.

Live your life and enjoy it.

It will probably sound so silly but it's hard to know.

I've surrounded myself with food but honestly people who have given me a lot of clarity on how my relationship with my mum is not a healthy one. It was a weird thing to realise and I think I'm almost still going over a lot of historical events with this lense.

She did complain at length about the emotional distance between us and that she felt that my relationship with my ex was to blame

Helping you may have helped her feel more in control even though some of it would have been welcomed by you at the time!